Chapter 49-How to Make it Right

Once I had collected myself I started dinner.  Marcus joined me in the kitchen and we talked about small things.  He was going to be an uncle again.  His family was excited but his mom pressured him more and more to stop living the bachelor lifestyle and to settle down.  Being the only boy, it was up to him to carry on the family name.  I told him about the kids and my new son and daughter in law.  I was looking forward to being a grandmother some day.

"What is it about him that keeps you going back?"
His question took me by surprise.
"What do you mean?"
"You have a child by him.  Then you have two additional children by other people and then back to him.  You're pregnant for a third time by him yet according to you he makes no offer to commit. Why do you keep going back? "
I shifted my weight uncomfortably while buying time on how to respond. 
"Dinner is ready.  It's your favorite, mac and cheese." 
I served him a bowl but I didn't have much of an appetite. He took a few bites.
"You're avoiding my question."
I was saved from having to answer as my doorbell rang.  As long as it wasn't Mulo whoever it was had great timing.

"Carter, hey sorry about cancelling today."  Relief washed over me.
"No problem.  I picked up a shift at the hospital.  We can go on Saturday."
"Hello." Marcus said stepping out of the kitchen.
"Carter, this is my friend Marcus.  We grew up together in Riverview.  Marcus this is Carter my personal caregiver and friend."

The two shook hands.
"Thanks for dinner, I'll call you tomorrow if that's ok."
"Yes, thanks for stopping by."  He gave me a tight hug before leaving. I watched him walk out the door without telling him.  This was getting worse.

"So is he the reason you cancelled today?"
"No, that was because of Mulo."
Carter knew a little on the subject of Mulo.  He never pushed for more information and I loved that.  No uncomfortable explanations.
"I need some advice."

We sat and I told him about Mulo coming by, leaving out some of the details.  He really didn't need to know all of that.  I told him about what happened when I went home between Marcus and I and how I wished I could take back sleeping with him.  The whole ordeal just made a bad situation worse since he was the father but didn't know.
"You have to tell him Amari."
"I can't.  Don't you see he's a great guy and would make a very good father but he needs to be with someone who doesn't come with all my baggage."
"If you were carrying my child, I would want to know.  Nothing else would matter."  he was always the voice of reason.
I curled up next to him on the couch and thought about what he said.
"But how do I handle Mulo because Marcus isn't going to just walk away from his child."
"If Mulo truly loves you, he would give you a chance to be happy.  That is if you wanted to try and make it work with Marcus."
I hugged him tight and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  If only it was that easy with Mulo, life would be almost manageable.
"What would I do with out you Carter?"
"I have no idea." he replied hugging me back.

The next morning I was awoken by someone knocking on my door.  It was barely 8am.
"Can I help you?"
"Yes are you Miss Amari Vinson?"
"Yes."
"This is for you."
The guy handed me a box then got back into his truck.  Parked in my driveway was a candy red sedan.  I opened the box and found the keys and a note.

 This will last longer than flowers or chocolates.

~M

It was too early to deal with him.  I just wanted a cup of tea and prayed that today would be less stressful.  Marcus was going to be in town for a week.  Surely sometime before he left I would be able to get the words out.

He called after work, we met up and and an early dinner at the beach.  It was my favorite place to go and think.  We didn't talk much over dinner or as we sat and watched the waves.  When he dropped me off at home he declined to come inside.  He gave me a polite hug and headed back to his hotel.  This went on for the next couple of days.  He'd want to meet out in public and we would talk about frivolous things.  I had never answered his question about Mulo and he didn't bother asking again.  I was making a bigger mess of things and Carter kept reminding me that I needed to tell him the truth.

"Will I get to see you before you leave tomorrow?"

"Yes I can come by before I leave for the airport."

"Will you come in, at least for a little while?"

I saw the hesitation on his face but he agreed anyway. Things had changed for him.  Seeing me pregnant was hard on him.  There was no denying the sadness in his eyes whenever he looked at me.  Being with him would be amazing.  I would never go feeling unloved or unwanted.  I would, we would be his everything.

"You asked me why I keep going back."

"What?"

"That night at dinner you asked why I keep going back to him.  Well because I know what I'm getting.  The good, the bad, and the ugly I know what I'm getting."

"What does that even mean?"

"That means there's nothing he doesn't know about me and for what ever his reasons may they be good or bad, he keeps coming back."

"Sounds like you are selling yourself short."

"Maybe but what choice do I have?"

"You have lots of choices but it sounds like you are taking the easy one.  I don't know what he's done to do you make you feel so worthless, but then again you won't tell me everything about you." his words were harsh yet full of pain.

"It sounds like he just takes advantage of what ever feelings you have for him and you let him.  I don't understand it Amari."

The frustration he had been holding back all week was bubbling to the surface. 

"No one else would want me if they knew what he does."

"That's because you are so messed up by this guy that you won't give anyone else a chance!"  Even nice guys had their limit and he had reached his.
"You talk about complications and your life being a mess, but you never say why.  Just tell me so I can decided for myself who or what I deserve!"
"I can't.  There is no way you could understand."  I fought back.  My words hit him like a slap in the face.  His frustration and anger was replaced with anguish.
"Thanks for having so much faith in me.  I'm gonna go.  I'll stop by tomorrow."

"Marcus don't leave.  I didn't mean it that way."

"Yes you did.  You shut me out after your sister died and you're shutting me out now.  I just need a little time.  I hope he knows how lucky he is."  He placed his hand on my stomach and there was a frenzy of activity. 

"Active little guy.  I guess in another life this could have been mine."  The longing in his eyes broke my heart.  It was now or never. I could almost get away with letting him continue on thinking the baby was Mulo's but the guilt was killing me.

"I found out at my last doctor's appointment I'm having twins."
"That's great. Do you know if they are a boys or girls?"
"No I didn't want to find out."
"You're going to have your hands full with twins."
"Well I'm hoping their father will be around to help me out some."
"He'd be crazy not to be around.  I wouldn't want to miss a minute of it.  The sleepless nights, dirty diapers and all.  One day that will be me.  I hope so at least."
"That day will come for you in about three and a half months."  I had spoken so softly I wasn't sure if he heard me.

"What are you talking about?"
"I'm sorry for not saying it sooner.  I was trying to save you from me."
"What?  Save me from you, you're not making any sense."
"They're yours not his."
He stared at me with a bewildered look on his face.  What was probably only about ten seconds of silence felt like hours.

"I...um...I need to go."
"Marcus, I'm sorry.  Please just let me explain."  I reached out for his arm, but he pulled it back.
"No!  Not only did you not tell me months ago when you find out but I've been here all week, you've seen me everyday.  You let me believe that someone else was the father of my child, or children.  I don't know what's happened to you but it's best I leave now before I say something I shouldn't."  He took one last look at my stomach then walked out.
I called out for him not to leave.  I begged him to stay to let me explain but he left me.  I needed to talk to someone.  I needed someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to work out and that Marcus would eventually forgive me.  I tried to call Carter but he was working.  I looked at my phone while contemplating calling Mulo.  I couldn't, I wanted to but I couldn't.  This is what he wanted for me to coming running back into his arms.  Marcus was right, I did feel worthless.  My father didn't want me, Marisol basically owns me, Mulo, the man who claims to love me uses and controls me.  Drake never called me again and Jesse was married.  Everyone got a little piece of me and soon there would be nothing left.