Chapter 38-Life Goes On

When you've loved someone for as long as I've loved Mulo you would think that saying goodbye would be more painful. All that I have endured because of him made it easier but that didn't stop me from missing him or silently calling out for him at night.

I slept downstairs in Bynni's old room.  My room, my bed had too many memories that I wanted to escape.  It took me a few weeks to recover, but Dr. Delson was pleased with my health and I was cleared to try again if I wanted.  I spent a lot of time painting again which helped me feel relaxed.  I was slowly trying to regain my life and my sanity.  I hadn't told the kids yet, but part of that recovery meant I was moving.  I needed to be out of this house, his house so I had started looking for a new place to rent.  I had saved up some cash from the few painting I had sold but it wasn't going to be enough to buy something.  My realtor was positive that I could buy something but I think she just wanted the bigger commission.

Ceula still walked on eggshell around me.  No matter how much I tried to tell her otherwise she was still blaming herself.  She told Jesse she didn't want to move afterall, but I told her she should go still it would do her good to get away and get to know her dad better.  That only made her cry because she thought I wanted to get rid of her even though that was not the case.  She ended up staying at home and we went shopping for her prom dress.  She looked so beautiful on prom night.

Aric and Nina had become engaged and with all that was going on, Nina had moved into the house.  I was grateful to have her around.  I knew Mulo was checking up on me because I would catch bits of Aric's phone conversations. 

Bynni and TK finally came for a visit.  They were still living with Marisol.  She wouldn't admit it, but I could sense she liked living there with her.  I tried not to dwell on that, I just wanted to enjoy the visit with my daughter.  Bynni wanted me to help plan her wedding.  I knew the request was more to try and keep me busy especially seeing as how Nina had made the same request.

It was about two months before I got up the courage to go visit the twins' grave.  Aric offered to go with me but I told him I needed to do this by myself.  I stopped at the gates of the cemetery, nervous for some reason but I had to say a proper goodbye to my babies.

"Hello my angels"  I said as I sat down beside their gravestones.

"Sorry it took me so long to visit.  I wanted you to know I loved you both very much.  Please forgive me for ever having thoughts of not wanting to keep you.  I love your father very much and having you around would have brought me more joy than sorrow."

I hadn't cried since that last night with Mulo.  I didn't think I had any tears left but as I sat there I felt them running down my cheeks.
"You would have been adored by your older siblings.  I'm so sorry for not being able to bring you safely into the world.  I think about you every day and I miss you terribly.  I wanted you both to know you are loved and won't be forgotten."
I kissed the grave stones before leaving.  I got the feeling I was being watched but the only other person there was a lady crying loudly about how she missed her husband.

When I got home no one was there.  Ceula had been spending a lot of time at her friend's house and Aric and Nina had gone cake tasting.

Reclaiming my life meant I needed some answers.  It was time to confront the man Marisol claimed was the reason for all of this.  I went upstairs to pack.

I left Aric a note then called a cab to take me to the airport.  It was time to go home.