Chapter 48-Between a Rock and a Hard Place

There was an unsettling silence.  He was in shock to see me in my current condition and I was scared to let him in the house.  I couldn't leave him standing outside so I stepped aside and allowed him to enter.

"I was in town on business and thought I would surprise you."  he started speaking but I saw as his focus shifted from me towards Mulo who was walking towards us.
"It is a nice surprise."  I hoped I didn't sound as nervous as I felt.  Mulo stepped beside me and put his arms around my waist.
Don't!
"Maybe I should have called first.  Looks like I'm interrupting here."
"No it's fine."

"Well yes you are actually." Mulo chimed in cutting me off.
Stop it!  Why must you be this way?  He simply smiled ignoring what I was telling him.
"I will go.  Amari I'll call you later."  He sounded so dejected and this is what I was most in fear of happening.
"Please stay.  He was just leaving."  Mulo's arm tightened around my waist when I told him to stay.
You need to leave now!
I removed his arm and put some space between us.  I saw his jaw clench in anger, his eyes that were burning with desire now burned with fury.
"No, it's ok I can meet up with you later."
"Please go sit.  Let me just walk him out and we'll talk."

"What were you doing in there?" I hissed once we were outside?
"I was showing you some affection."
The notion hit me that maybe he didn't come here to apologize.
"Did you know he was coming?"
"Did you know?" I yelled again after he neglected to answer me the first time.
"Yes."
"How?"
"I've been keeping tabs on him since the wedding."
He was so smug and calm it infuriated me.
"So you came here today to seduce me, to try and sleep with me knowing he was coming.  You wanted him to catch us together."
There was no end to the ways he could try and control me.  Knowing the shambles my life is in, knowing I am working hard to try and just keep control on a daily basis he would still set out to play with my feeling for him, my emotions in such a way.  I didn't know whether to be hurt or angry.
"Why...why would you?  You know what, I don't even want to know, I just want you to leave now."

I buried my face in my hands, took a deep breath and heading back into the house.
What was I going to say.  He looked over at me when I walked in.  Nervously I sat down next to him trying to figure out how to salvage this.
"I'm sorry I should have called first."  He was having a hard time looking at me.  I was was the pink elephant in the room that no one wanted to mention.
"No need to apologize.  It's good to see you again."
Silence engulfed us sucking the air out of the room.

"Amari?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was scared."
I was terrified of so much.  Scared of Marisol and what she may do at any moment.  Scared of what will happen if my mom finds out what's going on.  Scared of my feelings for Mulo despite all that he's done. Scared of what Marcus would think of me, and what it would do to him.
"We've talked on the phone almost every night.  If nothing else, I'm your friend and the truth would have been nice.  I'm not going to lie, I was hopeful we could get back together but I would have understood if you had just told me there was someone else."  His voice was strained.  He was trying to control his feelings for the sake of not hurting mine but he was angry.
"I know and I'm sorry but it's not like you think."

"Growing up with three older sisters I think I can tell when a guy is just a friend and when he's not.  That guy was not.  He seemed very...familiar with you."
He was struggling to keep his cool but his patience was fading.
"You're right, he's not just a friend.  He doesn't have a title, well he does but not that kind of a title.  We are sort of undefined but he is the father of my son."
"So you're having a boy.  Congrats."
There was no easy way to make this better.  No magic wand I could wave to make this conversation over with.  I sat at a crossroads.  I could tell him the truth or I could let him continue believing this baby was Mulo's.  Hurt him now or hurt him later.  Neither choice made me feel good about myself but I had to make it all the same.
"You misunderstand.  I already have a son and he's the father.  I also have two daughter's but he's not their father.  I'm not with him or any one for that matter.  The relationship I have with him is rocky and uncertain and full of pain and agony.  He can't let me move on."

That was a mouthful to say and I waited holding my breath to see how Marcus would react.  He was silent.  I can't blame him I went from being the prude of a girl he dated to telling him I had three children with different men and I was pregnant again.
"I...um...ok wow.  That's a lot you've been holding back.  And the other father?"
"It's fathers and not around."
"And the kids?"
"Grown and off living their lives."
"What happened to you Amari?"  I hated hearing the pity in his voice.  I wanted to remain the girl he knew.  I wanted to go back and be her.
"More than you could ever imagine."  I mumbled.  I wanted to run and hide.  I didn't want him to see me cry.  I already felt sad and pathetic.  Crying in front of him would only make it worse.  I guess on the bright side pity was better than him being appalled and disgusted at the sight of me.
"I have to go.  I was suppose to meet a friend today and got side tracked.  I should call him.  Thanks for stopping by."
Him, great he probably thinks it's another person I'm sleeping with.  I just needed him out of the house so I could break down in peace.  I needed to call Carter and ask him to bring over a large tub of Rocky Road ice cream so I could drown my sorrows.  I got up and tried not to look at him.
"I didn't know we were done talking."
"What more is there to say?  My life is a mess, and I'm a horrible person for bringing you into it.  I told you, you deserve someone better and I meant it.  Now please I can't take any more.  Today has pushed my stress levels and it's not safe for me."  Why wouldn't he just leave.  I certainly had told him enough to make him go running away as fast as he could but he wouldn't leave.

"I'm a big boy Amari.  I'm not going to say what I learned today isn't shocking but we all have our skeletons.  I am in no position to pass judgement on you and I never would."
"Thank you for being so nice even though I don't deserve it."
"Look at me." he said gently lifting my chin to meet his gaze.  "I don't know what all has gone on with you and I hope in time you will tell me.  I one thing I do know is I could never be anything but nice to you."  He had the sweetest smile on his face.  He was too good to be true and I felt horrible knowing I still needed to tell him about the baby.
"May I?" he asked gesturing towards my stomach.
I nodded my head.  I found myself comparing my reaction to him touching me to that of how I reacted when Mulo touched me.  I tried to shake those thoughts but I couldn't ignore the fact that I didn't get those same flutters of excitement.

"What did you mean it wasn't safe for you?"
I hadn't talked about the twins with anyone.  Carter asked but didn't push when I said I didn't want to get into it.  He understood it was still painful.  I never told my mom and other than dealing with CeCe I always mourned for them quietly to myself.  The tears I was fighting to hold back gave way and I turned around to hide my face.  I attempted to escape to the bathroom but he stopped me.
"Hey what is it?"
I just shook my head and tried to move past him.
"It's nothing.  Just pregnancy hormones."
"You're lying, now tell me what's wrong."
Why did I have to cry?  Why did I always have to be so weak and unable to handle things?  He wasn't going to let me not tell him but I couldn't say it.  I couldn't say that my most painful failure in life was not being able to safely bring my children into the world.
"Amari please after everything you've told me today what are you still holding back?"
"Before...before I came to visit I was pregnant again by Mulo.  The guy that was here.  It was a lot going on for me at the time and I wasn't suppose to be stressed.  But there was a fight and I got upset and I went into labor early.  They didn't make it."

He held me close without saying a word.  I felt safe in his arms as he stroked my hair.
"Well this certainly isn't how I imagined this visit going today."  I'm glad he tried to lighten the mood.  I needed that more than condolences.  He didn't have to say he was sorry for my loss, I knew he was.
"You have to at least stay for dinner.  Let me make it up to you."
"I'd be happy to."
"Sit watch some TV.  I need to go clean up a bit and I'll get it started."

I leaned up against the bathroom door once safely inside.  This day had not turned out like I had planned.  Mulo, that man.  I hated him, loved him, needed him, wanted him all at the same time.  Marcus showing back up really threw me for a loop.  I wasn't prepared but he had taken what I told him so far fairly well.  I was thankful he was such a nice guy, that's what I always loved about him.
"You need to tell him." I whispered to my reflection.  I couldn't repeat the same mistake I made with Bynni and Ceula.  But how could I get him to not be involved, to not want to be with me knowing I was carrying his child.  And that brought me back to Mulo.  He wasn't going to just sit by and let me be happy with another man.  He'd proven that with Jesse.  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.


****************************BONUS PIC*************************************
I meant to add this to my last post.  Ceula all grown up