Chapter 37-Loss

Things seemed unreal after he left.  Dr. Delson came in and explained what happened.  I was carrying twins and the pregnancy alone put a lot of strain on my body trying to support two.  That coupled with the outside stresses of my life was more than my body could handle.  I went into early labor and by the time we got to the hospital it was too late to stop it since my water had already broken.  I was just over five months along but they were too little to survive.  I just laid there as he kept talking.  There was a mention of grief counseling and he left a card on the table.

Mulo came back a few hours later but he didn't speak to me he just looked out of the window.

The nurses and doctor were in and out examining me, asking if I needed pain meds, or if I had contacted the counselor.  I was there for two days, I wasn't really eating and Dr. Delson didn't want to release me but I promised him I would make an appointment to speak to someone.  Mulo took me home and we still hadn't spoken.  Bynni and Aric had taken care of the funeral arrangements and the twins were buried while I was still in the hospital.  I didn't even know if they had been named.

Ceula ran up to me as soon as I walked into the house.

"I'm so sorry mom.  I didn't know, I shouldn't have upset you that way.  Please forgive me."  She was crying so hard her whole body was shaking.
"Shhh...It's ok.  This wasn't your fault."  I said trying my best to console her.  "Sometimes things just happen and we don't have any control over them."
"But if I hadn't been so mean, if I hadn't told you I wanted to leave..."
"Listen to me."  I said stroking her hair.  "Stop thinking you caused this do you understand.  This was not your fault.  You did nothing wrong ok.  I love you and it's going to be alright.  I promise."

She nodded and Nina came to take her into the living room to try and calm her down for me.  I silently thanked her and then headed upstairs.

"I have nothing left to give."  I knew he had followed me upstairs.  He walked up and put his arms around me.

The touch, his touch that would always make me feel better instead filled me at that moment with grief and anger.  I had shed so many tears because of him and up until that moment I had yet to cry for my lost babies.  I turned and yelled at him.

"Are you happy now?"  I demanded  "Is this was you wanted to have me totally broken and defeated?  Will you go to bed tonight with that cold hearted bitch and laugh about poor dumb Amari?"
I was screaming and pounding on his chest and he stood there silent.

"All I ever wanted was to be loved by you.  I gave you everything, my heart, my virginity, my unquestioning, unconditional love and what did I get in return?"  The anger gave way to tears.  All he had brought into my life was heartache and despair.  Marisol may have been the ring leader but he had hurt me more than she ever could.  I was empty now, just a shell of a person because I choose to love him.  I collapsed to the floor and he still said nothing.  I don't know why he stayed but he did and he held me while I cried.

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I was dying inside.  When the doctor told me he couldn't save them I was gripped with a pain I had never experienced before.  Watching Amari as she completely fell apart in front of me ripped my heart out.  She blamed me and she was right to do so.  If only I had stayed away she wouldn't be here in this moment.  If I hadn't been so consumed with jealousy over the thought of her loving someone other than me, she wouldn't be in the dark place she was now.  I didn't speak because there was nothing I could say to make it right.  Sorry wasn't enough and she wouldn't believe me if I told her I was in pain just like she was so I stayed silent.  I don't know how long we sat there and I didn't care.  I knew I would be here for her as long as she needed me.  Eventually her body began to relax and the tears began to slow.  I stood up and helped her up off the floor.

Her eyes were red and swollen from crying.  I wiped tears from her cheeks.
"Love isn't suppose to be like this." she said leaning into my hand slightly.  She looked at me, her eyes pleading for me to take the pain away.  I expected her to pull away from me,but she didn't.  I leaned in and gave her a kiss on her tear stained cheek.

"Why, why did this have to happen?"  I could feel the sadness building up inside her again and I just held her tightly.  She buried her face deep into my chest.  I thought about making her forget.  I could very easily make her forget that she loved me, that we had lost our babies.  I could make her forget all the pain I've caused her and  I should have done that.  I knew now that me leaving wasn't going to be enough to free her from what I had done.  I pulled away from her so I could see her face.  That beautiful innocent face.  The face that I saw every time I closed my eyes.  The face that I wanted to wake up to every morning.  I should have made her just forget me, but I'm too selfish for that.

"I love you Amari.  I've always loved you."
She looked at me and then she kissed me.  It was a kiss of longing and desperation.  A kiss full of need and desire.  A kiss full of pain and grief.  Everything I had ever put her through was somehow transferred in that kiss.  It was intense, and loving, and passionate.  Then she pulled away but lingered close to me.

I held her hand and looked at her.  There was a sense of relief in her face now at least I had given her that.
"It's too late."  She whispered and I knew it the moment she pulled out of the kiss.  Before she even spoke the words I knew that there was no going back after she had lost so much because of me.  She still loved me, I could feel it but it was too painful for her to be with me.
"Goodbye Mulo."