Chapter 44-Ceula

The car ride home was quiet.  There was so much running through my mind.  CeCe, Mulo, my father.  How much more was I suppose to handle?  And then there was Marcus and the conflicted feelings I had over our reconnection.

When I pulled into the garage I didn't get out of the car.
"Mom?"
"Ceula please go inside shower and bring those clothes down so I can burn them."
I sat there with my hands gripping the steering wheel praying that this was all a bad dream and I would wake up any minute.  I took a couple of deep breathes and went into the house.

Sitting at the table waiting for her to come down I again felt sorry for myself. 
"I'm sorry mom." I heard her break into my thoughts.
"What were you thinking?"

"I dunno.  I just want to forget sometimes."
Looking at her now I saw my vulnerable little girl.  My heart ached for her and the life she was forced to live because of me.  I thought about how selfish I had been to keep her here.  Clearly I wasn't doing a great job and she should have been allowed to be with her father.
"How long?"
"A few weeks after..."her voice was barely above a whisper as she wiped tears from her cheeks.
It all made sense now.  All the extra sleep overs at her friends' house, the withdrawn behavior.  She hadn't even been talking to Nina like she use to. 
"Are you doing more than drinking?"
She nodded.  I missed it.  I missed all the signs that she was acting out but then again I wasn't looking.  Unlike Bynni, she hadn't let her grades be affected and she put on a good outward show.  She kept her struggles hidden and I missed it.  My child was drinking, doing drugs, and I didn't even want to know about sex.  The next question I truly didn't want to know the answer to but I had to ask.
"Does Mulo...does he help supply..."
Her eyes got big in horror.
"What? NO! He wouldn't do that, that's not why I went there."  I knew it was wrong of me to think it but he was a rocker after all and sometimes those things just go together.
"Then why, if this has been going on for months, why did you go to him last night?"
"I just wanted to see him."
She was holding back from me I could tell.  Whatever her reason for going she didn't feel comfortable telling me.

"You're grounded indefinitely."
"Ok."
"CeCe would you like to go to counseling.  You need to talk to someone.  I would love it to me be but if you rather it be someone different that's fine too."
"I'm fine mom.  I don't need to talk to a counselor people will think I'm crazy."
I wanted to protest but instead I let it go for now and would try again later.
"Can I go to my room?"
"Yes."  She got up and headed up the stairs.
"Ceula."
"Yeah mom?"
"You know I love you right?"
"Yeah mom. I know."