Chapter 18-All Good Things...

"You scared me.  What are you doing here?  I thought you had finally left."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because that is what you do!"
"Come we need to talk and I don't want to wake the kids."  He grabbed my arm and started pulling me towards the living room.
"Ow, Mulo you're hurting me. Let go!"  he didn't release me until we got into the living room.
"Answer my question" he demanded.

"No, I don't have to answer to you!"  Being around Jesse seemed to give me the strength to stand up for myself a little.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what exactly?"
"Him, why are you with him?"
"Mulo, it's late and I would like to go to bed.  I don't want to have this conversation with you."  I was tired and I wanted to go to bed with good thoughts.
"Are you in love with him?"
"What?" 
"It's a simple question Amari."

I didn't know if I was or not.  Mulo still had me so messed up that I wasn't sure if I could be in love with anyone else, not really.  I did know was that I wanted a chance to find out.
"Yes."  I saw a flash of pain go across his face before he walked out without speaking another word.

Mulo still didn't leave.  He and Bynni were becoming great friends.  I don't know why, but she never asked why he was always around. 

They played chess often, she was getting very good at the game. I was still spending lots of time with Jesse.  We would picnic in the park so he and Bynni could hang out.  I was always concerned she would say something about Mulo being at the house but she never did.  Jesse would occasionally talk about doing something at my house, but I would always give another option.  I still hadn't told him Mulo was staying there and I didn't want to have to deal with having to explain why.

Even though we were staying under the same roof, Mulo and I rarely saw each other.  We hadn't spoken since that first night I spent with Jesse.  I was hopeful again.  Things with Jesse and I were going well and I was spending a lot of nights with him, leaving early so I could be home before the kids got up.  I had just gotten them off to school when I started feeling sick.

I felt queasy the rest of the day and then the thought hit me.  All those nights with Jesse, I started to worry about how would he react.  I splashed some water on my face and brushed my teeth.  Mulo was standing at the door when I came out of the bathroom.
"Are you feeling ok?" he moved a stray hair out of my face.
"Yes I'm fine thank you."  We stood there not knowing what to say.  Things were still awkward between us and he knew I was spending a lot of time with Jesse.  I was about to say something but my phone rang.
"Hello."
"Hey babe" My face lit up, Mulo walked away.
"Look I hate to do this but I have to cancel tonight."  Jesse had told me he had a special evening planned for us and I was really looking forward to it especially now with my news.
"What, why?" not hiding the disappointment in my voice.
"Work.  Got a call from the board they have news they need to discuss."
"Oh, ok."
"Promise I'll call you tomorrow.  Love ya."
"I love you to."  that was the first time I said it to him.  I put my hand on my belly and smiled

At dinner Bynni chatted about her day.  Mulo and Aric seemed to be having some sort of silent conversation.  It was a very strange family dinner.  The next morning the doorbell rang.  It was Jesse.

Dear God what was he doing here.  I wasn't sure if Mulo was here or not.  He would often go out late and would make an appearance until dinner.  I hoped that was the case today.
"Hey" I said as I opened the door.  "What are you doing here? I thought you were going to call me."  He gave me a quick peck.
"I know I'm sorry for showing up so early but I had to see you.  I almost came by last night but decided I could make myself wait til morning."
"What's up?"
"Well I have some news and I hope you think it will be good."  I was curious but nervously kept glancing at the stairs.
"Well I have some news too but you first."
"Ok well last night the board told me I was no longer needed.  They got a large private donation which should more than keep them going for a long time."
"What? you're leaving? how could that be good?"
"Well I'm getting to that..." he quit talking.  I turned and saw Mulo coming down the stairs shirtless.  This isn't happening, this isn't happening I started thinking to myself.

"What is he doing here?"  Then as if all the excuses I had made to keep him from the house hit him at once.
"Is he the reason you haven't wanted me at the house? Are you living with him?"

"No...well yes..well sorta, let me explain." 
"Explain what that you leave my bed to go to his?"  He was angry, and hurt.
"What! No, I haven't we haven't"  I couldn't get the words to come out right.
"You've been lying to me.  I thought we had gotten everything out in the open and you have been keeping the fact that you are living with your ex from me."
"No Jesse, it's not like that."

"Amari I have accepted that his treatment of you is an off limits topic.  I have accepted that you still do and probably always will have some feeling for him, but I can not accept that you would live with him and then not tell me about it."
"Jesse please."
"No Amari how am I expected to trust you if this is what you do."  his anger changed to sadness
"He said he wanted to stay a few days to be with his son.  I've asked him to leave but he hasn't."
"If it's your house he should leave when you ask him to, unless you really want him to stay."  I did want him to leave, but there were times it felt good to know he was still here.  I didn't know why this had to be so complicated.

I was trying to think of what to say when Mulo spoke.
"I paid for the house and I pay for everything she has."  After he spoke those words I knew it was over.  The joy the happiness, the hopefulness I had felt.  The possibility of a real and normal life, simple loving life.  Why why was I dealt such a cruel fate.  What I had I done to deserve this much pain and unhappiness.  First my sister is killed, then I wind up pregnant by a man who I love but I think is incapable of returning those feelings, and then pregnant again with all to painful memories of that night.  I thought my life was finally turning around when Jesse came into my life.  He was a ray of light in the darkness, now that light was fading.  At that moment I wanted to be anywhere but here.

"Amari...Amari" I heard him calling my name but it all seemed very unreal.
"Is it true?" I didn't answer him.  I couldn't.
"Well at least now I understand why he acts like he owns you."  he was harsh and I didn't blame him.
"You said you had more news."
"What?" hes asked confused
"When you arrived you said you had good news."
"Yeah, well I did until about 15 minutes ago."  He sounded defeated and it was killing me.  I had hurt the one good thing in my life and for what?  For a non existent relationship with a man who has hurt me more than anyone ever had in such a short period of time.
"It's clear to me that no matter how much I love you you are not ready to let go of whatever is between you two.  I can't wait until you are.  Take care Amari."  He gave me a kiss on the cheek and left.  I don't know how long I stood there after he left.  It was Mulo who led me out of the foyer and into the living room.  I still couldn't believe that I had just watched as my hopes and dreams were stomped, kicked, and then blown to bits.  He held me.

I didn't want his comfort, I didn't want him here this was his fault.  I let him however.  I let him hold me, I let him be there for me because at that moment I needed it, I needed him, I needed to not be alone.  He didn't say anything, he'd already said enough.
"I'm pregnant" I whispered finally
"I know." was his soft reply