Chapter 17-Moving Forward

I kept waiting on him to leave but he didn't.  It had been almost a week since he came back.  I was still scared to be alone with him in the house and he knew it.  I found any excuse to be out of the house when the kids were gone.  I'd still not spoken to Jesse, but I kept leaving messages. "Jesse please call me back.  I need/want to speak with you.  I miss you."
"You never left me such heart felt messages."  I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of his voice.  I could have sworn I had locked my bedroom door.

"How'd you get in here?""Through the door, now back to the message."
"Why are you eaves dropping on my phone calls?"
"I wasn't, I came up here to speak to you."
I was very uncomfortable with him being in my room.  I spent so many months wanting him, needing him around and now I couldn't get away fast enough.
"How long are you going to try and keep avoiding me?" As he spoke he reached up to stroke my face.  I took a step back.
"Please don't." He pulled his hand away.  "How much longer are you going to stay?"
"Am I not welcomed in the house I paid for?"
"Of course, just do you have to.."My phone rang, it was Jesse.  Mulo saw the change in my face, he clenched his jaw then walked out.
"Hello" there was silence for a moment
"Hey babe." I sighed it was so good to hear his voice
"I'm sorry." we both said at the same time.
"I'm missed you and Bynni has been asking about you."
"I'm sorry for going MIA.  Look let me stop by after work and we'll talk."  He couldn't come here not with Mulo refusing to leave.
"Um...let me come to your place instead.  I would like to talk without the kids being around."
"Yeah sure I understand.  I can't wait to see you."
"I feel the same way."
"I felt better when I hung up the phone.  When Aric got home from school I told him dinner was in the fridge and to look after his sister.  Mulo had been gone when I got off the phone and hadn't returned.  As much as it unsettled me, I had mixed feelings about that.

I was nervous when I got the Jesse's.  He greeted me outside with a hug.  It felt good to be wrapped in his arms.
"How's work?" I asked as he lead me inside.
"It's going ok, but I don't see a fix anytime soon.  A lot of egos to deal with."  I smiled
"What?"
"Well that's good for me.  Means you will be sticking around for a bit longer."
He smiled "Do you want me to stick around?"
"Very much." I took a glimpse around his place.
"Not what I imagined."
"It's corporate housing, I don't pick the decor, I just live in it."  I was trying to fill the space with small talk and Jesse knew it.
"How are you?"
"Better now that you finally called me back."
"I'm sorry about that but I was pretty pissed off.  I just needed time to calm down."  He had every right to be pissed at me.
"I know I owe you an explanation but I don't know where to begin."  He sat me on the couch.

"Start with why you let him treat you like he owns you."
"He doesn't" I began but in fact he did.  His requests always seemed like a command I was not able to disobey.  "It's just..you know rock stars always seem arrogant."  I tried to sound convicing
"Rock star?" Jesse asked confused
"Mulo... as in Mulo Drakul."  I saw the lightbulb go off in his head.
"Oh...you had a kid with him?  Were you a groupie?"  The last statement was meant to lighten the mood a bit.
"Groupie, no I was not a groupie.  I just..." I trailed off.  Did I really want to admit that I was a huge fan as a teen and when I met him I allowed him to take me back to his place.  Not only that but I willingly (at least according to Mulo) forgot my entire upbringing and my promise to myself to wait until marriage and slept with him which resulted in a child.
"You just what?" Jesse probed
"I met him and we hit it off.  I may have been a little star struck at the time.  You know having someone like him pay attention to someone like me."  Jesse was silent as he processed what I was saying.
"So how long did you two date?"  I didn't know how to answer that.  Would he understand that we technically never dated and we are more of a really long one night stand?  Would he understand that I allow him to just come in and out of my life when he feels like it?  Would he understand that even though his actions break my heart sometimes, I'm still ever so much in love with him?
"Not long" was my simple reply.
"If you didn't date long what does he have such an effect on you."  Oh God I never imagined trying to explain this would be so hard.  He was relentless and I know he just wanted answers, hell I wanted answers.
"Jesse,  I...I don't. Crap I suck at this."
"Do you still love him?"
"What?...no...I mean yes, but..." The truth was yes I do as much as I hated to admit it I do.
"He was my first and he's Aric's father so he will always be a part of my life."  This wasn't going as I had planned, well I hadn't planned anything but I didn't think talking to him about this would be so hard.  I had to pick and choose my words carefully.
"What makes him different from Bynni's father?"  WHY...WHY did I come, Why did I think trying to talk things out would be a good idea.  His opinion of me had already been altered since the night of Bynni's birthday.  It was only going to get worse when I told him about Bynni's father.  I started to tear up a bit.
"He doesn't know about her.  He...well he was a mover, the mover who was hired.  He showed up one night at my door and I don't know why I let him in...but I did and, well I love my daughter I really do in spite of it but she was the result of really bad judgement."  I didn't look at him when I spoke, I didn't want to face the shame I still had surrounding that night.  He didn't speak.
"Um..right well I'm going to go now.  I am sorry I brought you in to the craziness of my life.  Good luck with your job."  I got up to leave.  A quick retreat was the best option.  As I walked past him, he grabbed my hand.
"Don't go."  He stood up to face me.

"I know it wasn't easy for you to just tell me all of those things.  We all have things in our life we rather not have to talk about to anyone."  He wasn't upset, or disappointed.
"So is he in jail?"
"Who?"
"Bynni's father?"  I was confused for a minute the I realized what he thought.
"No"  I should have corrected him, cleared up the confusion but I just couldn't.
"I'm so sorry you have had to go through so much."
"So what now?" I questioned.
"This." He said before leaning down and kissing me.  He was so gentle I just wanted to stay in his arms forever.
"I love you Amari and if that means dealing with a little craziness, well I'm ok with that."  I was speechless.
"Well say something please."

I reached up and kissed him.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For loving me."

I started unbuttoning his shirt.  He stopped me. "Are you sure?"
"Yes."  He kissed me again before picking me up and carrying me to his room.

Afterwards we laid in bed talking and cuddling.  It was nice and I didn't want to leave but I knew I had to get home.
"I'll call you tomorrow." he said as he was walking me out to my car then gave me a quick kiss.  I watched him in my rear view mirror as I drove away.  It was around 1:30 in the morning when I got home.  The house was dark and quiet.  I locked the door then set the alarm.
"Where have you been?"