Chapter 19-Sorrow

I couldn't get out of bed for the next few days.  It hurt too much to be awake so I just slept most of the time.  I was sicker more this pregnancy than I was with Aric or Bynni but I figured it was because of my emotional and mental state.  Mulo still didn't leave.  He and Aric did the job of looking after Bynni and me.  I barely ate anything mostly soup or toast.  I don't know what Mulo told the kids but I remember hearing Bynni crying outside my door.
"But I want mommy!"
"She's sleeping."
"She's always sleeping! What's wrong with her? I want her to wake up."
I knew I should have gotten up to comfort her but I just couldn't.  


As I lay there staring out the window Mulo entered my room quietly and sat on the bed beside me.

I didn't say anything at first, I just hoped he would go away but he didn't.
"Why do you hate me?"
I needed to know what I had done to deserve him being such a plague on my life.  After spending days laying in bed I spent a lot of my time while awake thinking and this was the only conclusion I could come to.  I mean why else would he seem to be on a mission to destroy my life and happiness.
"I don't hate you Amari."
"Then why do you want me to remain alone and unhappy?"
"I know it seems that way."
"It is that way.  I've done nothing but replay my last conversation with Jesse over and over in my head.  It was you that gave the donation to the hospital wasn't it?"
"Yes"
"You wanted to get rid of him because I told you I loved him."
"Yes."
"But why?  Why did you do it, why did you have to be so cruel?"
"It was the only way."
I was too numb to be angry.  I was too numb to cry anymore.  I just wanted to curl up and pretend non of this was happening.  I wanted to sleep and wake up thinking I would be seeing Jesse later the day.  But that wasn't the case.  I was pregnant for the third time by a third man.  I was ashamed and disgusted with myself.
"It was the only way...things must be done...you say these things and they don't make any sense to me."
"I know."
"I wanted things in my life...things I don't think you will ever allow me to have."
"I can give you anything you want or need."
"Really?  I want to be loved by someone as much as I love them.  I want for my children to have a normal family life.  I want to not feel ashamed when I look at myself in the mirror.  I want...I want...it doesn't matter you can't or won't give me these things?"
"Amari"
"Please go." I said cutting him off I was tired and didn't want to talk anymore.
Mulo sat there for a while longer.  I felt like he wanted to say something but he didn't.  Eventually he complied with my request and got up to leave.
"Think about this as you lay there.  If you had the power to save someone but in order to do so you had to make an unimaginable sacrifice would you do it?"
Before I could answer I heard the soft click of my door being closed.

I lay there for a while staring at the ocean before finally drifting back off to sleep.

When I woke up there were flowers on my night stand along with a note.

Mommy get better soon

Love Bynni

I had to get out of bed, I couldn't keep neglecting my children.  I opened the door and I could hear their voices floating up from downstairs.  I showered and when I got downstairs Bynni squealed with delight.

"Mommy your better." she engulfed me in a hug.

"See Aric I told you the flowers would make her better."  she said sticking out her tongue at him.  Aric just rolled his eyes at his sister.
"I just finished making dinner."

"Thank you dear." I said giving him a hug

"Mommy, mommy guess what."  Bynni was nearly jumping out of her skin to tell me something.

"Yes dear, what is it."

"Aric has a girrlll friend and her name is Nnnninaaa"

"Bynni hush now." Aric hissed at his sister.  Bynni ran to hide behind my back before continuing to mock her brother.

"Aric and Nina sittin in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g" Bynni giggled and Aric looked really annoyed

"I'm going to my room." he said giving his sister a dirty look.  Bynni started making kissing sounds as he walked up the stairs.

After we finished dinner Bynni told me about everything I had missed while I was sick.

I was trying to pay attention but my mind kept wandering.

"And the food was gross!  Mommy are you listening?"

"What? yes dear it sounds like a fun trip to the police station, well other than the gross food." I said scrunching up my nose in mock disgust.

After she was ready for bed I read her a story.  As I was walking out she asked me

"Mommy when is Jesse coming back to play?  I miss him."  I shut off her light so she wouldn't see the look on my face.

"I don't know dear but mommy misses him too."

I closed the door and stood in the hall willing myself not to cry.  I use to never lie but now it seems second nature to me.  I was lying to my parents, I lied to Jesse, I lied to my daughter and mostly I lie to myself.  I regained my composure then softly knocked on Aric's door.  He hadn't been back down since I got up.

"May I come in?" I asked peaking my head into his room

"I have to go, I'll see you tomorrow."  he said before hanging up
"Was that your dad?"
"No that was Nina."
"Oh the girlfriend, I guess a lot happens when I am sleeping the day away."
Aric had always been a child of few words and mostly preferred to be by himself so it surprised me he would have a girlfriend.  He didn't say anything.
"Look son, I would like to talk to you about..."
"Dad already told me."

"Told you what exactly?"  that came out a little harsher than I expected but it didn't seem to phase Aric
"That Jesse had to leave because of his job and it made you very sad."

It was an interesting spin he had put on the change of events that had happened but I didn't expect any less.

"Did your dad tell you anything else?"

"Yes, that you're having another baby."

Great. Aric was old enough to know how these things happen.  I could only imagine what he thought of me. 3 babies 3 different dads.  I started tearing up a little.

"Mom it's ok." I was shocked.  Since he was a child he'd always called me mother but hearing the three letter word somehow made me feel better.  

I couldn't help but give him a big hug.  "You know you have it backwards right."
"What do you mean?" he said pulling away

"I'm suppose to take care of you instead of you always taking care of me."