Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Chapter 24-Jesse

"Jesse" I whispered. My heart started racing, he was the last person I expected to see standing at my door.  I opened the door not really knowing what to say.
"Hello Amari"  hearing his voice was like music to my hears.  I couldn't say anything right away, just seeing him, smelling him brought back all those feelings I had good and bad.  I wanted for him to just take me into his arms.
"You look good." he continued.
"Thanks, so do you."  "I didn't expect you to come."
"I'm sorry, I should have called first, but I didn't know what to say."
"No, it's ok."
There was an awkward silence neither of us really knew what to say.  I was worried he was going to be angry at me for not telling him sooner and he had every right to be.  He seemed just as nervous as I was.
"Can we talk?"
"Of course."  We started walking towards the living room but he stopped when he saw Ceula sitting at the table.
Bynni was the first to look up.  As soon as she saw Jesse she closed her notebook and ran up to her room.
"Bynni wait." I pleaded but she didn't stop.  A few seconds later I heard the slamming of her door.  Jesse looked confused.
"Guess she's not happy to see me."
"It's not you, she's not happy with me and my many mistakes." I said softly
"Ceula."
"Yeah mom?" she said still not looking up from her homework
"Come here please."
"But mom, I'm almost done."
"Please dear."
"Fine" she huffed as she closed her notebook.
Jesse looked at her in amazement."Mom, why's he staring at me?"
"He came to meet you honey."
"Really? Why?"
"Have you not told her?"
"No, if I had known you were coming I could have prepared better."
"Told me what?  I'm standing right here ya know."
I took a deep breathe "Ceula, this is Jesse and he's your father."
"Mom what are you talking about?  Mulo's my dad." My eyes widened and I saw Jesse tense up instantly.  I braced myself for an angry spewing of words but they didn't come.  I could see he was holding back, I guess for Ceula's sake.
"Ceula, Mulo isn't your father honey.  I'm sorry I didn't..., I should have explained before."
Ceula looked at me with confusion in her eyes.  I could see tears starting to form.
"I want to go to my room now."
"Honey don't you want to say and talk a bit, get to know your dad some?"
"NO", she yelled.  "He's not my dad" and then she turned and ran up to her room.
Great, this day is just getting better and better.  First the visit from my stalker, and now I will have to deal with anger from Jesse, Bynni, and Ceula.  I couldn't imagine how this could get any worse.
"I'm sorry."
"Let's go talk" there was no warmth in his voice.  We walked into the living room.  Neither of us said anything, Jesse was the first to speak.
"So she thinks he is her father?" He wouldn't say his name and I heard the distaste in his voice as he referred to Mulo.
"I had no idea she thought that, honestly."
"You never told her about me?" he was hurt by the fact that I had not only kept the knowledge of his child from him but also that I would keep his identity from her.
"No, and now I know why she never questioned me about who her father was."
"When I got your email I thought it was a joke.  I was sure there was no way you would keep the fact that I had fathered a child from me."
I couldn't meet his gaze.  I knew he was hurt, angry, and disappointed.
"That day...I was planning on telling you, but then you know everything happened."
That's no excuse Amari!  You could have said something.  You were pregnant and you just let me walk away without saying anything."
"What did you want me to say.  You accused me of cheating on you.  You were so angry I had lied to you, would you have even believed me at that moment?"
"I don't know, you never gave me the chance."
"I am sorry.  I wasn't thinking straight.  You were so angry, I saw my world crashing down around me and I..."  I trailed off.  I didn't even know where to begin telling him how I felt that day.
"I take it you and him are back to being an item?"
"No, why would you think that?"
"I figured he must still be living him, sharing your bed and playing the role of daddy for her to think he's her father."
I looked down at the floor.  "No he doesn't live here or share my bed.  He moved out a few weeks after you left but he is around."  I don't know if he believed me or not but it was true.  Although at times there was serious sexual tension between Mulo and I we hadn't been together since the night we conceived Aric.
"Amari things could have been so different if you had just told me."
"You wanted to leave, and I understand why.  I didn't want you to have to stay out of some obligation."  The moment of softness left.
"Obligation!  My God Amari that is my child we're talking about.  She doesn't even know me, or about me."
I sat down on the couch.  I had made a mess of our relationship before and I was making it worse now.
"Jesse I should have told you about Mulo staying here.  I should have told you I was pregnant.  If I could go back in time and redo things believe me I would."
I wanted to tell him how much I missed him.  I wanted to tell him I still loved him.  I wanted to beg him to stay and never leave me again.  As much as I did love Mulo, he made things so complicated between us.  It was easy and relaxed with Jesse and I liked how I felt about myself with him.  I didn't always like who I was with Mulo.
"How long will you be staying?" I asked after he still hadn't said anything.
"I don't know.  I'm living in Bridgeport currently.  I told the board I would be out of town for a few days at least.  We really have to sort things out Amari."
"I know.  Would you like to stay for dinner?"
"Yes that would be nice.  I haven't had a home cooked meal in a while."
I got up to head to the kitchen, luckily spaghetti was a quick meal to prepare.
"Do you mind if I go talk to her" he said getting up also
'No, of course not."
He reached out for my hand and pulled me close.
"I really have missed you Amari."
I closed my eyes and took in the sweet musk of his cologne
"I've missed you too." I whispered not wanting to move.  Even after all this time apart being back in his arms felt like being home.  I was hoping, praying he would kiss me.  We stood there for what seemed like an eternity until our breathing was in unison.  I had a nervous flutter in my stomach like a school girl anticipating her first kiss.  I knew he felt it too.  He pulled away.
"Which room is hers?"
"Top of the stairs on the left."
I stood there after he left.  I needed to gather my thoughts and regain my composure a bit.  I knew we weren't finished talking but I didn't know what direction the talks would go.  There was still a lot of unspoken feelings on both sides.  Then there were my girls.  Bynni who I knew still had issues with her father, or the lack of a father.  Jesse showing up was good for her sister, well I hoped it would be good for Ceula, but it just made the fact that she didn't have a present father that much more painful.  Then my poor Ceula who had apparently believed all this time that Mulo was her father.  Now her world was also turned upside down.  How could I have made such a royal mess of my life and worse my kid's lives.  I needed my mom more now than ever.  I longed for home.

7 comments:

  1. Yay! Jesse! Really good chapter! Poor Ceula :\

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  2. I'm glad it was Jesse. Amari's life is so complicated! That makes her children's lives complicated too!

    I bet Mulo won't be pleased that Jesse is back!

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  3. Wow poor Cuela...I wonder how she'll react to Jesse once she understands.

    I saw Bynni's anger and that hurt. Sad that everyone has their dad in their lives and Amari hasn't gotten into contact with Bynni's. She has every right to be crushed about that and Amari needs to get on finding him soon!

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  4. Wow...Amari is in a bind isn't she...

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  5. Well at least Cuela got to meet her father.

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    Replies
    1. yes Bynni's outburst was good for that.

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