Chapter 125-Elephant In The Room

I spent the night curled up in Marcus’ office after he’d walked out. I sat in his office feeling the same empty, all-consuming ache that I’d had when he was missing. I sat there on the floor for hours until the sounds of life coming from above made their way into my consciousness. I pulled myself up off the floor and slowly made my way upstairs. I heard Finley in the kitchen along with the cooing of one of the babies. I quickly darted upstairs to clean myself up before she saw me. As I got to the top of the stairs, Marcus was coming out of the nursery.

Our eyes met briefly. I wanted to say something. Hoped maybe he’d speak, but instead there was silence. I turned and headed into our room, closing the door quietly behind me. Leaning against the door, I listened and waited. Waited to see if he’d come knock even though I knew he wouldn’t. Marcus was very clear last night. It was over with us and the sounds of his footsteps on the stairs reminded me of that.

I’d hurt him. I’d hurt him so deeply and I had been blind to it. What happened to me? When did I become this person? This selfish, self-absorbed bitch capable of causing so much pain and heartache to the best man I’ve ever known? Pushing off the door, I slowly made my way to the bathroom. My eyes were red and puffy from spending most of the night crying. I grabbed a wash cloth and ran it under the cold water before pressing it to my face.

These next few weeks were going to be hard, but unavoidable. I’d tried to push him away once, to save him from me and he’d insisted on staying. Now he was running when I wanted to keep him and as much as it hurt, I had to let him go. That’s how I could start to make up for the wrongs I’d done to Marcus. He wanted free of me, so he’d get his freedom. Once I pulled myself together, I followed the sound of voices and found everyone in the living room.

“Hey Mrs. Smith,” Zana greeted. She and Finley were playing with two of the babies. I glanced over at Marcus who was taking a crying Graham from the swing.

“Hey Zana, dear. How are you today?” I asked hoping my face didn’t show how I was feeling.

Marcus looked in my direction briefly before making some comment about Graham needing a fresh diaper then quickly leaving the room. The dance had begun.

During the day Marcus and I interacted only when necessary. We’d care for the babies, handled Finley’s end of the year things and tried our best to function as a family unit. At night we’d go our separate ways.

I hated being in our room so I’d obsessively clean things that didn’t need cleaning or I’d sit out by the pool. Other nights, I’d fall asleep on the couch or go for long walks. Marcus stayed in the boys’ old room. Some nights I’d hear him working out or doing whatever down in his office.

I checked in on Ceula often, her recovery was going well. Trey said she was still having nightmares and some of them had been about David, however he seemed to be more a figment of her imagination instead of a real person. That news wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but we were all ready to step in and help her deal with things should her memory of him fully return.

Each passing day got harder to manage. Being in the same space as Marcus would be tense and uncomfortable. At times I found myself just as eager to get away as he was. We’d retreat to our separate corners of the house, or he’d go out and I assumed it was to view possible places to live. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but I never did. Instead, I continued the charade.

“I liked having Marcus as a dad,” she said as she helped me put the quads down for bed.

“What do you mean liked?”

“Mom, anyone that is around you two for any length of time can see it.”

“I…” I stopped trying to figure out what to say. She wasn’t a kid, so trying to sugarcoat things wouldn’t go over well. I couldn’t lie and say we were fine knowing that we’d most likely be divorced soon as she graduated. “You’re right honey. Things with Marcus and I aren’t working out. But that’s us. Why would you say you liked having him?”

She rolled her eyes at me. “Come on Mom. I think I’m just destined to not have a father-figure stick around. My real dad died, then after whatever happened with Mulo, he stopped coming around and now Marcus. I...I guess I still have Uncle Carter, but he’s been super busy with work and now that Victoria has had her baby, he has his own child to care for.” She tried to sound nonchalant about it, but she failed.

My baby girl. My sweet little girl who suffered loss before she was even a day old, had become another casualty of my bad choices. All the pretending Marcus and I had been doing was pointless since Finley picked up on the discord between us anyway. I pulled her to me and she cried quietly as I stroked her hair.

“Honey Marcus will still be around. Things aren’t working out between he and I, but that has nothing to do with you or your siblings.” I pulled away and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “Marcus will always be your dad. We...we’re separating, he’s not cutting you out of his life. You aren’t his biological child, but he doesn’t see you as any less his daughter. Your dad is a good man, he loves you and will always be there for you.”

“Your mother is right.” I looked up to see Marcus standing in the doorway. “What’s going on with us, is between us and whether I’m married to your mother or not you will always be my little girl.”

Finley walked over and hugged him. “You promise?”

“You betcha, kiddo,” he replied, kissing the top of her head. Marcus looked over at me, frowning, before he draped his arm around her shoulders as they headed out of the nursery.

With the quads down, I headed outside. It was a beautiful night, clear skies and a cool breeze blowing softly. Cars in the distance hurried to their destination. Closing my eyes, I tuned into the sounds of laughter coming from inside the neighbor’s house. 

I’d seen them once or twice since they moved in; a young couple that was expecting their first baby. They always looked so happy, full of love and hope. I envied them. I heard the sliding glass door open and I figured it was Marcus just letting Fred and Wilma out.

“We need to talk.”

My eyes popped open at the sound of his voice. I was momentarily hopeful, but then I remembered the look on his face before he walked out with Finley. 

“I don’t need you to tell me how much my choices have broken things. I feel like shit knowing my daughter felt like she was going to be abandoned again. So you can save your lecture,” I said closing my eyes again.

I couldn’t look at him, it hurt too much. Seeing myself through his eyes, seeing the hurt, and the hate, and the disgust he didn’t bother to hide on those rare occasions we were alone, I didn’t want to be faced with that right now.

“You don’t get to play the victim here, Amari!”

“Play the victim?” I yelled jumping up from the lounger. “That’s not what I’m doing. I simply don’t want to do…this with you, Marcus.” I took a shaky breath. I didn’t want to fight with him and I didn’t want to cry in front of him.

Playing the victim? No that’s the last thing I’d do. I knew who was at fault here and I made no excuses for it. It killed me to live like this, but I did it. I kept my tears and pain to myself because I didn’t want him to think I was trying to guilt him into anything.

“Do what, have to face the fact you can’t have your cake and eat it too? I have to say I am surprised you haven’t run off to be with him unless he’s seen you for who you really are as well and doesn’t want you either.”

I stared at him, mouth agape, at the sheer venom in his words. My chest constricted and my entire body ached as if I’d been physically assaulted. He was angry. He was hurt. He was only lashing out. I tried to process what he said and the look on his face as he said it. He didn’t flinch; he didn’t react or look sorry. I was dizzy and sick to my stomach. He didn’t mean that, he couldn’t mean that! My head ached. I couldn’t think, I didn’t know what to say, so I stared at him. 

His lips were moving, but I couldn’t process what he was saying. I was stuck in a twilight zone moment, like the world had stopped and I was just stuck. I felt my body jerk and slowly became aware of Marcus gently shaking me by the shoulders as he called my name. I cocked my head to the side and looked at him. He actually looked concerned, like he cared, but he didn’t. I pulled free of his grasp and just ran. I needed away. I needed some way to get the anger, and sadness, and feelings of utter despair out of my system, so I ran.

When I got back, I found Marcus sitting on the bed, waiting.

“Where’d you go?”

“Why do you care?”

“Amari…”

“Don’t. I get it. I hurt you. I know I did and you’re angry and you have every right to be. I try to grin and bear it, but what you said…” He walked towards me but I stepped back. 

“What you said…you’re lashing out because I am the root of your pain, I can tell myself that, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t mean anything to you, but I am. I am sorry for every bit of it. I’m sorry for what I’ve turned you into, for what I’ve turned us into.” I wiped away the tears I felt sliding down my cheeks. I didn’t want to cry in front of him, but like the destruction of my marriage, some things appeared unavoidable.

I looked at him and saw a glimpse of the Marcus I once knew. The sweet, caring, Marcus that used to love me. “If I could change things I would. I would make so many different choices, but I can’t change things. I can only deal with the fallout.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “I made a decision while I was out.”

“A decision about what?”

“Us…this arrangement we have going. It’s not good for either of us. I…I know you already found a place to rent, I…I overheard you on the phone the other day. I don’t see any reason why we need to keep pretending we’re something we’re not.” During my run, I’d told myself this was the best thing. I’d thought I was prepared, but it hurt like hell to say the words out loud.

“So you’re kicking me out?”

He seemed shocked. He’d made the decision to move in the first place yet he seemed shocked. Maybe…NO NO NO!!! It’s over, you know it’s over. Hanging on to slivers of hope only prolongs the pain. “You already have one foot out the door, Marcus. Considering the talk we had with Finley tonight, your reason for staying isn’t really valid any longer.”

“I guess you’re right. I’ll see if I can change my move in date.”

He agreed! Of course he agreed, he couldn’t wait to be rid of me.

“Okay then. I…I’m going to try and get some rest before one of them wakes up.”

“Okay. Goodnight Amari,” he said, but lingered in the room for a moment before heading out the door.

“Marcus.”

“Yeah.”

“We…I…I want to sell the house.”

He nodded his head in agreement. “Okay.” 

**Thanks DJ for helping to fix a few pictures. **

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