Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Chapter 126-Dirty Laundry

Seeing that sign in the front yard made everything real. After Amari told me she wanted to sell, the next day she called out a realtor and we signed the paperwork. We didn’t talk much about it, but we didn’t talk much about anything since she’d gotten home. I’d shut her out and after our fight, so she stopped trying to get in. Being near Amari hurt and I turned that pain into anger fully directed at her. Nearly every comment I’d made to her seemed to inflict pain.

I wasn’t trying to, or at least I didn’t believe I was trying to be so spiteful towards her, but deep down I wanted her to hurt like I hurt. She took it. She didn’t try to fight back or defend herself, she just took it. She’d given up on us, threw away what we could have had. I hated what she’d done to us. I hated her choices and her actions that led us down this path, and as angry as I was at her, I hated that she made me want to hurt her like that. I loved that woman, and after being reunited again, I thought it was our destiny to be together forever after all the forces that tried to keep us apart failed.

I loved her. I’ve only ever loved Amari, even when she left me behind after her sister’s death, I still loved her. I don’t know if I knew how to live without loving her, but I was going to have to figure it out.

Getting out of the car, I took a deep breath and put my game face on. It was strange walking up to the door as a visitor. This was our home, the place we were going to raise our family and grow old together. This house held so much promise. We’d renewed our wedding vows in the backyard, she’d recommitted to me, to us and I really thought we had a chance. His interference, her love of him, it chipped away at what I now know to have been a shaky foundation until it collapsed.

When I approached the front door, I started to unlock it, but stopped. This wasn’t my home anymore, I’d moved out two weeks ago, I couldn’t just walk in like I still belonged here. I rang the bell.

“Here mom, I think she’s hungry.” I heard Amari say.

“I’ll get it.” Finley called out. “Daddy!” she said throwing her arms around my neck.

“Hey kiddo.”  It was hard to believe she was graduating in a few days. “Interesting choice of color,” I said picking up a lock of her hair.

“What do you mean interesting? It’s my natural color.”

“That’s why it’s interesting. I don’t think I’ve seen that since you were little,” I joked.

Finley playfully hit my arm before turning to head back into the house. The sounds of talking and the cooing of the babies greeted me as I followed.

“Marcus, how nice to see you,” Kathy said walking over to give me a hug. “I want you to meet Adrian.”

“Nice to see you too, Kathy,” I replied, returning her hug. The older gentleman stood with his hand out stretched as he greeted me. Amari had told me her mom was seeing someone. I was happy for Kathy after everything George had put them through.

“Here, take your sister,” Amari said, handing Gracie to Finley.

“You’re early; I don’t have their things together yet. Give me a sec,” Amari said, looking at me only briefly.

 I didn’t get a chance to respond before she took off up the stairs. There were boxes that were half packed, while others sat taped up and marked. When she first said she wanted to sell, I thought it was a stunt. A plot to sway me somehow, but that didn’t seem to be the case; she was packing up to leave without making a fuss. Amari hadn’t told me she found a place, so I wondered if she would be moving in with him. I’m sure she couldn’t wait to set up shop and play house with that bastard. If either of them thought he was going to be a part of the quad’s life, they were both mistaken. So far we’d been amicable about custody, but I’d push for sole custody if she was going to live with him.


“Huh?” I turned my attention to Kathy.

“I asked how’ve you been, but I can tell without waiting for an answer.” She gave me a smile as she softly stroked my arm. “I’m not giving up on you two yet. Mistakes have been made, but the love is still there.”

“I know Kathy, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek before heading up to the nursery.

I heard her muffled crying before I got halfway up the stairs. I didn’t like to hear her cry or to know that I was the source of it, but I couldn’t let myself get sucked in. Amari had made her choice, regardless of what her words were, he was always her choice. She’d proved that time and time again and that’s what I told myself each time I wanted to give in and make things better for her. I’d always be second place in her life when it came to him.

At the top of the landing, more boxes were packed up and labeled. One was marked wedding photos. All of our hopes and dreams packed away, sealed up in one small box. I felt like that nagging little kid, constantly asking myself why. Why was he so important to her? Why couldn’t she put our family first? Why couldn’t she be happy with the life I wanted to give her? Why? Why? Why? It was all I could think about and the worst part is I would never get answers. I would never understand the why that got us here.

“Have you found a place?” I asked walking into the nursery.

Amari quickly turned to face the window in an attempt to hide what she was doing. “Sorry, um, no not yet. I’m packing up the things we don’t use as often. Sam said to declutter where we could.” She kept her head down as she walked over to retrieve the diaper bag. “I didn’t pack too much since I figured you bought most everything you’d need. Gabby’s favorite bear and Graham’s blankey is in there,” she said turning to hand me the bag.

“Look, I don’t care what you do in your free time, but my kids, he’s not allowed around them. You needed to know that while you’re figuring out your living situation.”

Amari covered her face with her hands and I could hear her mumbling to herself about letting it go.

“How long are we going to be like this?” she asked. “How long will you feel the need to constantly throw my mistakes in my face?”

“That’s not what I did. I simply felt you needed to know my stance on who my children could be around and your boyfriend isn’t one of them.”

“He’s not my…never mind, you’re going to think what you want about me no matter what I say. You’re determined to…” she stopped and took a deep breath, “Did you feel guilty?”

“What? What do I have to feel guilty about?”

“When you had sex with me while still engaged to Florence, did you feel guilty? Did you ever think it was a mistake? That you were wrong for doing it knowing you were in a committed relationship with someone else? When you looked at her every day after, knowing you cheated on her, did you feel guilty?”

She crossed her arms and I saw something in her I’d not seen in a while. A spark of life, a little of that fire she used to have that I thought had been extinguished. I knew I’d been doing and saying things, lashing out, but I never expected her to bring Florence up.

“Excuse me?” I said, dropping the bag on the floor.

“You heard me Marcus. You have been so angry with me and said some of the most hurtful things, and I’ve taken it, but I’m not the only one that has ever been wrong!” she yelled.

“That was different and you know it!” I shouted back.

“Really? Why? Why is what you did so different Marcus? Is it because you didn’t have to own up to it? Or is it different because unlike you, I didn’t actually have sex with him while I’ve been with you!”

“What the hell are you talking about? You are really trying to stand here and try and deflect your wrong doings onto me. You want to talk about what was wrong? Fine! I wasn’t alone in that basement Amari! You knew I was engaged but I sure as hell don’t recall you ever saying stop! I would have never been in the position to cheat if not for your beloved Mulo interfering in my life!”

“Oh my god! Are you serious? So he’s to blame for you making a conscience choice to have sex with me knowing you were with someone else? Oh I like the way your world works! Just don’t take the blame for anything, it must be damned nice to live that way! And for the record, yeah I didn’t stop or object. Just add that to the list of decisions that makes me such a shitty person. I’m sure you can find some way to throw it back in my face later like everything else. You were in love with her! You were planning to start a family with her! But that didn’t stop you from being with me.”

She shoved past me, but I grabbed her arm stopping her.

“What I did was a one-time thing. What you have with him has been on-going. From day one that man has been in our marriage. You have allowed him to control and manipulate you to the point you didn’t know your head from your ass it seemed. After all the shit he’s done your judgement is still so fucking impaired that you not only allowed him to stay in your life, you invited him into the lives of our children! You broke us Amari, not me!”

“Yeah, I did,” she replied snatching her arm free. “But I owned up to it. You’re right it was different for you because you never had to admit what you did. You never had to look her in the face and see the look of betrayal and disappointment because she never knew what you did. It’s different for you because you didn’t have to spend every waking moment trying to figure out how to make it right and take away the pain you caused. The love you had for her didn’t stop you from being with me. If things had worked out differently and you stayed with her, would you have begged her for forgiveness? Would you have been riddled with guilt and sorry for your actions? Would you have tried everything to make her see that although you fucked up, you really did love her and wanted to be with her?” Amari’s voice cracked and she took in a stuttered breath as her emotions threatened to get the better of her.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kathy on the stairs. “Is everything alright up here?” she asked.

Amari looked at me then nodded as she turned to look down at her mother. “Yeah, sorry. We…we just um, we just have a difference of opinion right now.”

“I know you two are at odds at the moment, but airing your dirty laundry so loudly, is probably not the best idea.” She cut her eyes down the steps reminding me that Finley and Adrian were both down there.

We’d tried to keep arguments quiet to keep Finley sheltered from things yet we both got sucked into this sparing match.

“My apologies, Kathy. I didn’t come here to do this.”

“I’m sure you didn’t, but with emotions running so high right now things can easily get out of hand. If you two are going to continue this…conversation, try doing it behind closed doors instead of in the hallway.” Kathy patted Amari on the shoulder before heading back downstairs.

Neither of us said anything. Amari wouldn’t even look at me. How did we get here? Saying and doing things just to hurt the other. We’d never talked much about Florence once we were back together. Once my memories came back, the life I’d had with Florence didn’t seem real. It was odd, but the feelings I’d had for her seemingly just went away. I still cared, but that love I’d felt was gone and I couldn’t explain it.

Amari knew I’d talked to Florence a few times trying to ease her pain over the break-up, but she never wanted to know much on details. After the whole wedding fiasco she didn’t even want Florence’s name mentioned. Our being intimate while I was still engaged to Florence, I never thought of as cheating. At the time I felt like I was living two lives, like one was separate from the other and it didn’t register with me on that level. Amari, however, did feel guilt over her feelings for him. Every time she looked at me, I saw it. It was in her eyes and, and in her carefully chosen words. She was right, I didn’t have to own up to my cheating, but our situations were still different. Florence wasn’t the other woman always in the middle of our marriage. Amari didn’t have to compete with someone for control over my heart.

“It’s not the what I have trouble with, it’s the who. Clearly I’ve shown I have the capacity to withstand a lot from you, but…”

“I know Marcus, believe me I know. I want to make this better for you. I truly, truly do. You may not believe me, but I do love you. The day you said you wanted to come home was the happiest day for me. I felt like my life was complete again. I love you. I may have feelings for him, but I made the conscience choice to be with you, to work on our marriage. I told him I wanted you, but it’s too late. I’ve broken us and I’ll live forever knowing that, but we have children to raise, we need to be able to find a neutral zone for their sake. Every time we are together, we can’t end up like this. Please just tell me what you want from me and I’ll do it.”

I heard the pain in her voice, it was always there no matter what the topic, but this time the despair seemed so much deeper. I knew she was hurting, I could see it even when she thought I didn’t. Amari had gotten good with putting on her brave face only to cry later in private. I always heard her, even when she thought I didn’t. Looking at her was hard because no matter how much she apologized, no matter how much she denied being with him physically, their connection was there and when I looked at her, I’d see him. I couldn’t ignore the fact that she not only wanted him physically, but at times he was her emotional support. He was always there and I didn’t know if I could ever get past that.

“I don’t think there is anything you can do.”


  1. It seems the tables have turned again and Marcus is a little guilty of do as I say and not as I do. Yes Florence was a butana in every sense of the word and she was not innocent in this whole thing, but at that moment Marcus didn't know that. At the time all he knew about Florence was that she loved him and that he was engaged yet that didn't stop him. Of course if his life had not been manipulated so much maybe he wouldn't have been in that position to make such a bad decision like that, so wouldn't it also reason that the same should be true for Amari. Sorry Marcus just because Florence wasn't real to you that doesn't mean you did not make a conscience decision to cheat at that moment because you did.

    At this point it is clear that Marcus is not going to believe anything she says, so why is he going into that house with guns ablazing looking for an argument. She said she was wrong and she knows she has hurt him, so she is letting him go as that is what he told her that he wanted. Amari is trying to make this as easy as possible for him, but he keeps throwing everything in her face to hurt her. Yes he was hurt but did he ever stop and realize all the shit she went through. Maybe she wasn't hurt by him but she has been put through hell and now that its all over he wants to continue to put her through hell because he is hurt. I'm sorry just because he has been hurt does not give him a free pass to hurt her, he has two choices leave and start a new life or try and work on the marriage. Fighting with her will not only hurt them both more, but it will affect those babies they still have to raise together. After this update I have less sympathy for Marcus.

    Right now out of all three the only one who I can truly say is doing the right thing is Mulo. Amari asked him to stay away and he has respected her wishes.

    1. Yep. He's been really busy casting stones and Amari was tired of taking the hits. At the time Marcus cheated, he didn't know of Florence's involvement, he still doesn't really. He just knows she wasn't the woman he thought she was (attitude wise). So when he had sex with Amari, he was cheating on his fiancee. True what Amari and Mulo have is different, but Marcus isn't without sin himself.

      Marcus believes she's sorry for hurting him, he can see that she is, but his mind won't let it go. Just as he said, when he looks at her, he sees Mulo and that's tough. He didn't go there looking for an argument. Considering Mulo has been involved on some level with all of her children, he was letting her know he didn't want the quads around him. With emotions running so high with them, everything can easily turn into a fight and it did. :( The fighting isn't good for either of them, but they are both so locked in right now it's hard to do anything but fight. :(

      LOL Mulo is doing as she asked and staying away. How long will he stay away? Now that is the true question, it's only been a couple of weeks since she returned home.

      Thanks for reading

  2. I think Kathy has a lot more faith in this marriage than I do.

    Things between Amari and Marcus have deteriorated beyond my comprehension, I'm about to start singing Frozen's Let It Go! But seriously, they both need to let it go, let the past go and let each other go.

    That was just low, what Amari did there, reminding Marcus about their affair. I get why she did, she was trying to make him see his double standards, and she was probably tired of him constantly throwing her faults back in her face. But...Marcus wasn't alone in that. She slept with him knowing he was still married to Florence. Marcus is no saint either, and if anything, that should have been a big wake up call for him. I don't like to judge people by their past actions, but as the saying goes, if she can cheat with him, what will stop her from cheating on him. I don't care how hard she justifies what she had with Mulo, sure she didn't have sex with him, but she was still emotionally invested in him. And it's that emotional investment that Marcus is struggling with the most I think.

    1. LOL aww...Well Kathy can see they are both very much in love and this is just a road bump. Or at least she hopes.

      LOL hahaha not Frozen LOL Things are bad and they went downhill quickly. Marcus really started to lose with when she was with Mulo after her change. Her lack of communication with him killed him and things spiraled from there. :(

      Yes, that was exactly why she did it. He's been throwing stones and she's tired of it. Yes she knows she's done wrong, but she wanted to remind him that she wasn't the only one. She admitted to being there with him, but the difference is she's had to own up to her mistakes. He never has. She only wanted him to stop and think about things from a different vantage point for just a moment. That saying can go both ways really. He cheated with her, so what's to stop him from cheating again? It takes two to tango and they were both wrong in that situation with Florence. As for Mulo, well she admitted to being close and had it not been for Mulo she would have cheated. :( Marcus knows that and he hates that fact just as much as he hates she does go to Mulo for emotional support. I think it is the emotional part that he struggles with the most. After all he's put her through, Marcus can't understand how she can go to him for anything. It's a hard thing for him to understand. :(

      thanks for reading

  3. Time away didn't seem to help much. I mean I know it was only a few days since he's moved out or whatever but they seem to only fight when they are together. These two seriously need to take a breath and TALK rather than always poke those damn sleeping bears. It's not solving a damn thing and now they are dragging the kids into. (You're not gonna tell me Finley didn't hear them).

    I can say though that this chapter really made me see things a tad differently. Amari's pain somehow became much clearer seeing it from Marcus' POV. (If that makes any sense at all) and I can actually see her struggle. She does need to sort herself out but Marcus needs to also think about what it is he wants from her. They need to figure that out and decide the best course of action. Marriage counseling is also not too far a stretch either. But I don't know if either would want to sit in a room for an hour or two together. At least in that case they'd have a mediator and someone who can tell them whether or not they are on the right path.

    Who knows. Maybe there's hope for them yet. But the constant rehashing of the past needs to stop between them. They need to talk it out, work through it or let it go.

    1. Nope, time hasn't helped. Marcus has been gone for maybe a week or two. Who knows these things? LOL That conversation wasn't him looking for a fight really, he just wanted her to know the quads weren't allowed around Mulo. Amari does have a history of letting Mulo in the kids' lives so it wasn't unreasonable for him to say that. Sadly it doesn't take much for things to spiral out of control with them right now. :( They do need to sit and have a real conversation. Oh, no Finley heard. They all heard which is why Kathy went up there to 'scold' them about their talks. LOL

      Wow...wonders never cease. You have hated Amari for a while now. :( I guess seeing that Marcus does still care about her and her pain makes a difference. He's not totally heartless, he's just building a wall to protect himself from any more hurt. They have a lot to figure out. Amari hasn't had time to really breathe since her sister died. It's been one thing after the next she's had to wade through and it still continues. Marcus needs to decide if he can live with the facts of life, which is Amari love Mulo. No matter how much he hates it, she does. Counseling could help if they'd both be willing to go, but that's a big IF.

      They do need to stop fighting and move forward, if for no other reason than they have kids to raise.

      thanks for reading.

  4. Marcus is still in the dumpster in my opinion.
    Amari is right. If Marcus had to own up to his little betrayal, would it be different?
    Of course it would. He's 'the man', and can do no wrong. He's been stepped on and taunted and hurt, oh so badly, so why not have Amari suffer suffer for every little thing he doesn't like. He's not in love with her. Love would see her as she is and understand the very difficult things she has had to endure. Mulo will be better. He does, in his way, stand aside and let her do what she feels she needs to do, because he loves her. Marcus can pack up and move to another country, Amari will be better off and I hope she realises that soon.

    1. LOL you've been hating on Marcus for a while now.

      Yep, that's the point she was trying to get him to see. Yes she's been wrong, and her thing with Mulo is wrong, but Marcus is not without sin either. He cheated on a woman he was engaged to and seemingly had NO guilt about it. All she wanted Marcus to do was see things from her point just a little. She didn't set out to hurt him, and she's so very sorry she did, but he refuses to see it.

      Mulo sees her and her struggle because he caused it. He had first hand knowledge of everything so he has the advantage there. There was a time Mulo was just as much of an ass and made things harder on her, but he's changed over time. That bond they shared had an unexpected effect of allowing him to really understand the pain he's caused. Marcus doesn't have that same insight and right now is too blinded by his hate for Mulo to see his love for Amari. :(

      thanks for reading

  5. I have to agree with Marcus on this one. You can't really compare Mulo and Florence like that. Like Marcus said, Mulo has been there from the start, taking almost all of Amari's attention. What makes it even worse is the fact that he is one of the sole reason's her life is the way it is now, yet she still ran to him for emotional support instead of going to her husband. Also, to them, Florence was seen as a normal nice person. They both know Mulo was bad.

    It seems kinda strange that she would just bring that up. I guess she was trying to find some reason to make Marcus feel guilty in order to retaliate, but it kinda falls through.

    Where even is Mulo? I'm sure he knows whats going on and he's gonna swoop down sooner or later

    1. Amari wasn't really comparing the two so much as letting him see that he has been on the other side of things. He's been throwing everything in her face and she just wanted him to take a moment and think about what he would have done had he needed to face Florence. The fact that at the time they cheated, Florence was seen as the innocent bystander is actually worse. :( Marcus cheated on her with no apparent guilt afterwards. Amari at least felt a little bad, but Marcus didn't.

      She wasn't trying to retaliate. Amari is fully aware of what she's done and how much it's hurt Marcus. She's owned up to it and wants to make it better but Marcus just keeps at her. He says things just to hurt her and she just wanted him to stop and think for a minute, which he did.

      Mulo is around LOL. Amari asked him to stay away, and he's doing that for now. He always comes back though :)

      thanks for reading

  6. You've been nominated, feel free to ignore since you've answered a bunch of these:

  7. Right now, I want to just rip their hair out and scratch their faces up! Ugh! I'm so fucking pissed at both of them right now! Dammit!

    Great writing, btw. :)

    1. LOL...yeah this chapter brought out a lot of emotions from people. Right now they are both being pig-headed and not really talking. They need to sit down and have a rational conversation, if that's even possible.

      Thanks and thanks for reading. :)

  8. Hi

    You have been nominated :)

  9. I'm torn! I can see they both still love each other, but is it enough? Marcus can't let go of the past and Amari won't even try anymore. Ugh! The box with the wedding pictures, :( made me tear up a little.
    I'm almost afrsid to adk, but where is Mulo? Has he gone for good?
    (I've commented on other chapters, but it seems my tablet doesn't like to make it stick. Here's hoping this one shows up!)

    1. Yes they do both love each other, but they've dealt with a lot. Marcus is really over this thing with Mulo and he's having a hard time getting past that right now. Awww...sorry, it has a similar effect on both Marcus and Amari as well.

      Nope, he's not gone for good. I'm sure we'll see him again at some point. Amari asked for time to work things out with Marcus so Mulo is respecting that.

      bummer about your tablet. I have that happen when I read from mine as well. :(

      thanks for reading.

  10. I hope we'll never find ourselves in that position, I don't know how I'd cope if we did! I get that they've hurt each other but is this constant insult-throwing really necessary? I mean I know people do it, but I don't understand why. You'd think they've hurt each other enough already.

    1. Yep you are caught up!!! Good job!

      Yes it is a bad situation they are in. There is a lot of hurt and anger between them and Marcus was lashing out. He was wrong, but he couldn't keep it in much longer. Amari had been taking it, but this time she couldn't. They can't seem to talk without arguing right now. :(

      thanks for reading

  11. No, so sorry Amari. She can't try to deflect the anger on Marcus now. I mean yes she does have a point because he was unfaithful HOWEVER Marcus did that once, right? Amari has been fucking up forever. She even put her own kids on the back burner. Sorry even after all this time, I can't feel bad for her. She made her bed and she has to lay in it.

    1. She wasn't really trying to deflect her anger, she was just tired of him constantly throwing her mistakes in her face when he wasn't without fault completely. True, he only cheated once, but sometimes once is enough. I'm sure Flo would agree LOL. Amari has made a crap ton of mistakes, ones she's owned up to over and over. She's never claimed to have been perfect or tried to deny the crap she's done. She only wanted Marcus to recognize that. She is very much dealing with the fall out from those bad choices and she knows that. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

      thanks for reading