Chapter 126-Dirty Laundry

Seeing that sign in the front yard made everything real. After Amari told me she wanted to sell, the next day she called out a realtor and we signed the paperwork. We didn’t talk much about it, but we didn’t talk much about anything since she’d gotten home. I’d shut her out and after our fight, so she stopped trying to get in. Being near Amari hurt and I turned that pain into anger fully directed at her. Nearly every comment I’d made to her seemed to inflict pain.

I wasn’t trying to, or at least I didn’t believe I was trying to be so spiteful towards her, but deep down I wanted her to hurt like I hurt. She took it. She didn’t try to fight back or defend herself, she just took it. She’d given up on us, threw away what we could have had. I hated what she’d done to us. I hated her choices and her actions that led us down this path, and as angry as I was at her, I hated that she made me want to hurt her like that. I loved that woman, and after being reunited again, I thought it was our destiny to be together forever after all the forces that tried to keep us apart failed.

I loved her. I’ve only ever loved Amari, even when she left me behind after her sister’s death, I still loved her. I don’t know if I knew how to live without loving her, but I was going to have to figure it out.

Getting out of the car, I took a deep breath and put my game face on. It was strange walking up to the door as a visitor. This was our home, the place we were going to raise our family and grow old together. This house held so much promise. We’d renewed our wedding vows in the backyard, she’d recommitted to me, to us and I really thought we had a chance. His interference, her love of him, it chipped away at what I now know to have been a shaky foundation until it collapsed.

When I approached the front door, I started to unlock it, but stopped. This wasn’t my home anymore, I’d moved out two weeks ago, I couldn’t just walk in like I still belonged here. I rang the bell.

“Here mom, I think she’s hungry.” I heard Amari say.

“I’ll get it.” Finley called out. “Daddy!” she said throwing her arms around my neck.

“Hey kiddo.”  It was hard to believe she was graduating in a few days. “Interesting choice of color,” I said picking up a lock of her hair.

“What do you mean interesting? It’s my natural color.”

“That’s why it’s interesting. I don’t think I’ve seen that since you were little,” I joked.

Finley playfully hit my arm before turning to head back into the house. The sounds of talking and the cooing of the babies greeted me as I followed.

“Marcus, how nice to see you,” Kathy said walking over to give me a hug. “I want you to meet Adrian.”

“Nice to see you too, Kathy,” I replied, returning her hug. The older gentleman stood with his hand out stretched as he greeted me. Amari had told me her mom was seeing someone. I was happy for Kathy after everything George had put them through.

“Here, take your sister,” Amari said, handing Gracie to Finley.

“You’re early; I don’t have their things together yet. Give me a sec,” Amari said, looking at me only briefly.

 I didn’t get a chance to respond before she took off up the stairs. There were boxes that were half packed, while others sat taped up and marked. When she first said she wanted to sell, I thought it was a stunt. A plot to sway me somehow, but that didn’t seem to be the case; she was packing up to leave without making a fuss. Amari hadn’t told me she found a place, so I wondered if she would be moving in with him. I’m sure she couldn’t wait to set up shop and play house with that bastard. If either of them thought he was going to be a part of the quad’s life, they were both mistaken. So far we’d been amicable about custody, but I’d push for sole custody if she was going to live with him.

“Marcus?”

“Huh?” I turned my attention to Kathy.

“I asked how’ve you been, but I can tell without waiting for an answer.” She gave me a smile as she softly stroked my arm. “I’m not giving up on you two yet. Mistakes have been made, but the love is still there.”

“I know Kathy, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek before heading up to the nursery.

I heard her muffled crying before I got halfway up the stairs. I didn’t like to hear her cry or to know that I was the source of it, but I couldn’t let myself get sucked in. Amari had made her choice, regardless of what her words were, he was always her choice. She’d proved that time and time again and that’s what I told myself each time I wanted to give in and make things better for her. I’d always be second place in her life when it came to him.

At the top of the landing, more boxes were packed up and labeled. One was marked wedding photos. All of our hopes and dreams packed away, sealed up in one small box. I felt like that nagging little kid, constantly asking myself why. Why was he so important to her? Why couldn’t she put our family first? Why couldn’t she be happy with the life I wanted to give her? Why? Why? Why? It was all I could think about and the worst part is I would never get answers. I would never understand the why that got us here.

“Have you found a place?” I asked walking into the nursery.

Amari quickly turned to face the window in an attempt to hide what she was doing. “Sorry, um, no not yet. I’m packing up the things we don’t use as often. Sam said to declutter where we could.” She kept her head down as she walked over to retrieve the diaper bag. “I didn’t pack too much since I figured you bought most everything you’d need. Gabby’s favorite bear and Graham’s blankey is in there,” she said turning to hand me the bag.

“Look, I don’t care what you do in your free time, but my kids, he’s not allowed around them. You needed to know that while you’re figuring out your living situation.”

Amari covered her face with her hands and I could hear her mumbling to herself about letting it go.

“How long are we going to be like this?” she asked. “How long will you feel the need to constantly throw my mistakes in my face?”

“That’s not what I did. I simply felt you needed to know my stance on who my children could be around and your boyfriend isn’t one of them.”

“He’s not my…never mind, you’re going to think what you want about me no matter what I say. You’re determined to…” she stopped and took a deep breath, “Did you feel guilty?”

“What? What do I have to feel guilty about?”

“When you had sex with me while still engaged to Florence, did you feel guilty? Did you ever think it was a mistake? That you were wrong for doing it knowing you were in a committed relationship with someone else? When you looked at her every day after, knowing you cheated on her, did you feel guilty?”

She crossed her arms and I saw something in her I’d not seen in a while. A spark of life, a little of that fire she used to have that I thought had been extinguished. I knew I’d been doing and saying things, lashing out, but I never expected her to bring Florence up.

“Excuse me?” I said, dropping the bag on the floor.

“You heard me Marcus. You have been so angry with me and said some of the most hurtful things, and I’ve taken it, but I’m not the only one that has ever been wrong!” she yelled.

“That was different and you know it!” I shouted back.

“Really? Why? Why is what you did so different Marcus? Is it because you didn’t have to own up to it? Or is it different because unlike you, I didn’t actually have sex with him while I’ve been with you!”

“What the hell are you talking about? You are really trying to stand here and try and deflect your wrong doings onto me. You want to talk about what was wrong? Fine! I wasn’t alone in that basement Amari! You knew I was engaged but I sure as hell don’t recall you ever saying stop! I would have never been in the position to cheat if not for your beloved Mulo interfering in my life!”

“Oh my god! Are you serious? So he’s to blame for you making a conscience choice to have sex with me knowing you were with someone else? Oh I like the way your world works! Just don’t take the blame for anything, it must be damned nice to live that way! And for the record, yeah I didn’t stop or object. Just add that to the list of decisions that makes me such a shitty person. I’m sure you can find some way to throw it back in my face later like everything else. You were in love with her! You were planning to start a family with her! But that didn’t stop you from being with me.”

She shoved past me, but I grabbed her arm stopping her.

“What I did was a one-time thing. What you have with him has been on-going. From day one that man has been in our marriage. You have allowed him to control and manipulate you to the point you didn’t know your head from your ass it seemed. After all the shit he’s done your judgement is still so fucking impaired that you not only allowed him to stay in your life, you invited him into the lives of our children! You broke us Amari, not me!”

“Yeah, I did,” she replied snatching her arm free. “But I owned up to it. You’re right it was different for you because you never had to admit what you did. You never had to look her in the face and see the look of betrayal and disappointment because she never knew what you did. It’s different for you because you didn’t have to spend every waking moment trying to figure out how to make it right and take away the pain you caused. The love you had for her didn’t stop you from being with me. If things had worked out differently and you stayed with her, would you have begged her for forgiveness? Would you have been riddled with guilt and sorry for your actions? Would you have tried everything to make her see that although you fucked up, you really did love her and wanted to be with her?” Amari’s voice cracked and she took in a stuttered breath as her emotions threatened to get the better of her.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kathy on the stairs. “Is everything alright up here?” she asked.

Amari looked at me then nodded as she turned to look down at her mother. “Yeah, sorry. We…we just um, we just have a difference of opinion right now.”

“I know you two are at odds at the moment, but airing your dirty laundry so loudly, is probably not the best idea.” She cut her eyes down the steps reminding me that Finley and Adrian were both down there.

We’d tried to keep arguments quiet to keep Finley sheltered from things yet we both got sucked into this sparing match.

“My apologies, Kathy. I didn’t come here to do this.”

“I’m sure you didn’t, but with emotions running so high right now things can easily get out of hand. If you two are going to continue this…conversation, try doing it behind closed doors instead of in the hallway.” Kathy patted Amari on the shoulder before heading back downstairs.

Neither of us said anything. Amari wouldn’t even look at me. How did we get here? Saying and doing things just to hurt the other. We’d never talked much about Florence once we were back together. Once my memories came back, the life I’d had with Florence didn’t seem real. It was odd, but the feelings I’d had for her seemingly just went away. I still cared, but that love I’d felt was gone and I couldn’t explain it.

Amari knew I’d talked to Florence a few times trying to ease her pain over the break-up, but she never wanted to know much on details. After the whole wedding fiasco she didn’t even want Florence’s name mentioned. Our being intimate while I was still engaged to Florence, I never thought of as cheating. At the time I felt like I was living two lives, like one was separate from the other and it didn’t register with me on that level. Amari, however, did feel guilt over her feelings for him. Every time she looked at me, I saw it. It was in her eyes and, and in her carefully chosen words. She was right, I didn’t have to own up to my cheating, but our situations were still different. Florence wasn’t the other woman always in the middle of our marriage. Amari didn’t have to compete with someone for control over my heart.

“It’s not the what I have trouble with, it’s the who. Clearly I’ve shown I have the capacity to withstand a lot from you, but…”

“I know Marcus, believe me I know. I want to make this better for you. I truly, truly do. You may not believe me, but I do love you. The day you said you wanted to come home was the happiest day for me. I felt like my life was complete again. I love you. I may have feelings for him, but I made the conscience choice to be with you, to work on our marriage. I told him I wanted you, but it’s too late. I’ve broken us and I’ll live forever knowing that, but we have children to raise, we need to be able to find a neutral zone for their sake. Every time we are together, we can’t end up like this. Please just tell me what you want from me and I’ll do it.”

I heard the pain in her voice, it was always there no matter what the topic, but this time the despair seemed so much deeper. I knew she was hurting, I could see it even when she thought I didn’t. Amari had gotten good with putting on her brave face only to cry later in private. I always heard her, even when she thought I didn’t. Looking at her was hard because no matter how much she apologized, no matter how much she denied being with him physically, their connection was there and when I looked at her, I’d see him. I couldn’t ignore the fact that she not only wanted him physically, but at times he was her emotional support. He was always there and I didn’t know if I could ever get past that.

“I don’t think there is anything you can do.”