Saturday, November 19, 2011

Chapter 64-Crumbling Down


Those two words brought my world crashing down.  There was a ringing in my ears and I felt short of breath as if I had just been hit in the stomach.  My chest was tight as my heart shattered into a million pieces.
Dying.
"I...wha...dying?"  I couldn't get the words out, I couldn't even think clearly.
"I only have a few months."
"But you can't be."

I slid down to the floor.  He couldn't be leaving me, not like this.
He sat down beside me, all his anger seemingly drained away.
"But we need you, the boys need their father, I need my husband."
"I know."
"But you haven't been sick.  You don't look sick, I don't understand how you go from healthy to sick with no warning."  I was talking mostly to myself but when I looked at him, I knew.
"Your hair." I said reaching out to touch his nearly bald head.  His hair was gone and he looked thinner.  How did I miss this?  Had I been so caught up in myself and my lies that I missed his vanishing right in front of me?
"Yeah I shaved it.  It's easier than waiting for it to fall out." he replied rubbing his had on the top of his head.
"When did you find out?"
He dropped his gaze and got up off the floor. "The first time, right after you moved.  I went through several rounds of radiation and chemo.  The day we met up again at the park, I had just gotten the good news that it had gone into remission."
Was I hearing him correctly?  He was sick, and could have died and he didn't even call me to let me know.
"I would have come back if I had known.  Why didn't you tell me?"
"For the same reason you didn't ask me to come with you."

"How horrible am I that you could have died and I never even called you after I left."
I was so selfish to run away, I left him behind when all he ever tried to do was comfort me and take care of me.
"You said the first time, when did it come back?"
"I suspected I might have been relapsing a month or so before the wedding.  I went and had blood work done and it was confirmed a week before we got married."
My head was swirling trying to process everything.  I kept praying this was some nightmare that I would wake up from.  Why wouldn't he tell me?
"When were you going to tell me or was I just suppose to find out when you were near death at the hospital?"  The words came out harsher than I intended, I know I had no right to be angry about him keeping things from me but this was different.  "How could you not tell me Marcus?"

Her words were laced with so much pain it was unbearable.  I wanted to avoid this conversation for as long as I could to avoid seeing the pain I was seeing now.  She had been through more than any one person should have to endure and somehow she managed to keep going.
"There was so much going on.  Everything that happened with Ceula, this family needed something good, something happy.  If I had told you before the wedding, that would have been ruined."
"And after the wedding?"
"Once the dust had settled, I just wanted to enjoy life, our life together for just a little while before things got bad."
I silently prayed to the heavens trying to understand why.  Why was my family, why was I plagued with never ending heartache.  I never thought myself to be a bad person, but something out there must feel differently
"If it went into remission before, how do you know that won't happen again?"
"I have an aggressive cancer and I delayed treatment."
"Why in God's name would you do that?"
"I told you, I wanted to start our life together."
"By risking your health.  We could have postponed the wedding until you were better but instead you chose to cheat your sons and I out of a lifetime with you so you could have a few months!  That's not fair!"
I was angry and yelling at him.  There were too many thoughts and emotions going through me and I just couldn't take it any more.

I ran to the bathroom overcome with a strong wave of nausea again.
"Are you ok?" Marcus asked walking into the bathroom
"No I'm not ok.  My husband just told me he's dying.  How am I suppose to be ok?" Marcus reached out for me, but I stepped back. "How do you know for sure?  How can you be certain it wouldn't go back into remission?"

"Because I was lucky it went into remission the first time.  My doctor was surprised by it then and told me that if it came back my chances of survival were slim to none."  Marcus spoke as if he had already given up.
"I did this to you.  I've killed you." I spoke barely above a whisper still refusing to process what he was telling me.
"Amari you didn't give me cancer."
"No but my actions, my lies.  I've killed your desire, your will to live."
"Amari, I'm dying and ..."
"No, you can try to deny it but I know that you don't feel like I've given you anything to live for."
He pulled me into his arms and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"I know I've hurt you Marcus, but I won't let you die."
"You don't get much choice."
"That's where you're wrong."
I pulled out of his arms and with shaky hands I pulled out my phone.
"Who are you calling?"
"Marisol."
"Why would you call her?"
"Because I won't let you die, even if you won't be with me, you will be around for the boys and that's more important."

Marcus took the phone out of my hands. "You aren't making sense."
"Remember when I told you I asked Marisol to let me free?" Marcus nodded his head "well when I told you she said no, that wasn't the whole truth."
"Of course it wasn't."
"She asked for a trade.  My life for you."
He gave me a confused look. "What are you talking about a trade?"
"She gave my dad a choice and he gave up me.  She gave me a choice I could stop having babies if I let her have you."
"Why would she want me?"

"Because you love me, and..."I don't know if I wanted to tell him the rest. 
"And what?"
"And she is angry about my relationship with Mulo." I didn't look at him when I spoke.
He walked over and sat on the bed.  I waited for him to respond but I was afraid of how angry he would be when he did.
"So she wanted to take from you what you took from her?"
"Yes, something like."
Marcus was silent again.  I sat beside him waiting for him to speak, to let me know what he was thinking.
"How exactly does that work?"

"I know biting is involved but I blacked out when Bynni was changed so I don't remember much other than that."
"Not that.  The part where she expects me to stay with her."
"Oh that, well I would imagine there would be some altering of memories involved."  I expected him to yell, to cuss something but he said nothing.  Instead Marcus laced his fingers in mine and kissed the back of my hand.
"I'm dying Amari.  I don't want my memories altered, or even to acknowledge that you would think I would do such a thing.  I don't want to forget that I love you and that I was your husband no matter how painful some of those memories are.  I have no desire to live forever, to watch my children grow old and die while I'll remain.  I'm dying and you need to accept that.  I have."

19 comments:

  1. Crying as I type. From the beginning I have identified with Amari and I can just feel her pain and guilt.

    I just love Marcus and how brave he's being. He doesn't want to become someone else just to survive.

    I feel so sad for them!

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  2. Daisy--sorry didn't mean to make you cry. :( He has had more time to come to terms with this than she has. He doesn't want to change who he is but that doesn't mean Amari isn't going to keep trying to get him to change his mind.

    I'm sad too, that's why it took so long for the update. I couldn't write it although I've had it planned.

    thanks for reading.

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  3. Poor Amari and Marcus, what a devastating time for them! He's being so brave and I understand his reasoning and decision. Amari needs to be brave for him, and be strong for their kids. But I guess it's easiet said than done.
    It's a good think I've had plenty of V-bombs, otherwise I'd be bawling my eyes out.

    Those, poor, poor kids. It's going to get very dark, before it gets light again.

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  4. @Val--it is a hard time for them. He's trying to be strong but it hurts him to know he will be leaving them soon. She isn't very accepting of this situation and won't give up on saving him easily. I cried a little while writing it, it's going to be even harder when they have to tell the boys.

    Thanks for reading!

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  5. Poor Amari and Marcus! I would not be so brave. It must be so difficult for him to tell Amari about his health. He seems so selfless to me. I don't want Marcus to DIE!!

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  6. Cat--he's not really that brave which is why he didn't tell her, he's having a hard time facing his mortality. He doesn't really want to die but he doesn't want to live forever either.

    thanks for reading

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  7. Aaaw, good chapter. But so sad, it's making me a bit angry that he didn't tell her from the start though. I don't know, maybe it was for the better but.. I just want them to be honest and true to each other. :((

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  8. Fru--yes secrets always hurt more than they help. It's all out now but it's a little too late.

    Thanks for reading

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  9. and now I'm crying again. :( I just love Marcus so much... I don't want him to die. Gah, I'm just so sad now.

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  10. ~ I can see now why he did not tell her,it would have spoiled the wedding & cast a shadow over their time together as husband & wife!
    ~ But as he does not have much longer,he had to tell her especially when she thought he had someone else,when the only person he loves is Amari!I see he wanted to keep the hurt from her as long as he could,so they could have some happy times together,before he leaves!
    ~ I knew he would not take the offer of immortality!
    ~ I am so sad for these two,I wish they could go on!
    ~ You made me cry again!
    ~ I love your story & sometimes forget it is a legacy Challenge,& you must do this for the rules!
    ~ More when you can!(",)

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  11. Karima--yes exactly and he didn't want that. He didn't want her to find out in the heat of an argument but he was going to need to tell her. He loves her and all her faults. He doesn't want to be immortal especially at the cost of losing who he is and loves. I wish they could stay together longer, their time has been too short.

    Thanks for reading.

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  12. I love his stance though I have to agree with Amari I don't want him to die.

    He is such a strong man. Willing to let his life end rather than alter anything that is with his family. That has to be the toughest decision to make and he did it without hesitation. This is why I love Marcus. He is a man of unscrupulous morals and someone Amari has needed for quite some time.

    I hope he sticks to his guns though I don't want him to die. I'd hate to see him with Marisol or changed from the wonderful loving man that he is. He is a fighter and I hope/pray that he can overcome this on his own.

    Sad, sad update but excellent storytelling!

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  13. DJ

    He wouldn't even consider it knowing that he wouldn't remember all that he loved. He has had more time to accept his fate although knowing he won't see his children grow up hurts him more than he wants to let on.

    Amari won't let him go easily out of the love she does have for him and the guilt she feels for how she has treated him. At this point we all know that she doesn't make the decisions when she feels it's in "the best interest".

    I wouldn't dare really give him to Marisol. I've put him through enough already.

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  14. Ahh! I'm just catching up...this is so sad!

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  15. Jazen, I thought I already replied to this chapter, but it isn't so it seemed. Poor Marcus, but such a strong personality. I feel for him. When is Amari getting the happiness she deserves!
    Poor woman. How much can a person take?!

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  16. Dutchy--I do feel bad for all the stuff I seem to put her through. She has a rough life but she is managing to find out she is stronger than she ever thought she could be when faced with adversity.

    Thanks for reading.

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  17. Replies
    1. LOL sorry. Open a window to air out the place.

      Thanks for reading

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