Those two words brought my world crashing down. There was a ringing in my ears and I felt short of breath as if I had just been hit in the stomach. My chest was tight as my heart shattered into a million pieces.
Dying.
"I...wha...dying?" I couldn't get the words out, I couldn't even think clearly.
"I only have a few months."
"But you can't be."
I slid down to the floor. He couldn't be leaving me, not like this.
He sat down beside me, all his anger seemingly drained away.
"But we need you, the boys need their father, I need my husband."
"I know."
"But you haven't been sick. You don't look sick, I don't understand how you go from healthy to sick with no warning." I was talking mostly to myself but when I looked at him, I knew.
"Your hair." I said reaching out to touch his nearly bald head. His hair was gone and he looked thinner. How did I miss this? Had I been so caught up in myself and my lies that I missed his vanishing right in front of me?
"Yeah I shaved it. It's easier than waiting for it to fall out." he replied rubbing his had on the top of his head.
"When did you find out?"
He dropped his gaze and got up off the floor. "The first time, right after you moved. I went through several rounds of radiation and chemo. The day we met up again at the park, I had just gotten the good news that it had gone into remission."
Was I hearing him correctly? He was sick, and could have died and he didn't even call me to let me know.
"I would have come back if I had known. Why didn't you tell me?"
"For the same reason you didn't ask me to come with you."
"How horrible am I that you could have died and I never even called you after I left."
I was so selfish to run away, I left him behind when all he ever tried to do was comfort me and take care of me.
"You said the first time, when did it come back?"
"I suspected I might have been relapsing a month or so before the wedding. I went and had blood work done and it was confirmed a week before we got married."
My head was swirling trying to process everything. I kept praying this was some nightmare that I would wake up from. Why wouldn't he tell me?
"When were you going to tell me or was I just suppose to find out when you were near death at the hospital?" The words came out harsher than I intended, I know I had no right to be angry about him keeping things from me but this was different. "How could you not tell me Marcus?"
Her words were laced with so much pain it was unbearable. I wanted to avoid this conversation for as long as I could to avoid seeing the pain I was seeing now. She had been through more than any one person should have to endure and somehow she managed to keep going.
"There was so much going on. Everything that happened with Ceula, this family needed something good, something happy. If I had told you before the wedding, that would have been ruined."
"And after the wedding?"
"Once the dust had settled, I just wanted to enjoy life, our life together for just a little while before things got bad."
I silently prayed to the heavens trying to understand why. Why was my family, why was I plagued with never ending heartache. I never thought myself to be a bad person, but something out there must feel differently
"If it went into remission before, how do you know that won't happen again?"
"I have an aggressive cancer and I delayed treatment."
"Why in God's name would you do that?"
"I told you, I wanted to start our life together."
"By risking your health. We could have postponed the wedding until you were better but instead you chose to cheat your sons and I out of a lifetime with you so you could have a few months! That's not fair!"
I was angry and yelling at him. There were too many thoughts and emotions going through me and I just couldn't take it any more.
I ran to the bathroom overcome with a strong wave of nausea again.
"Are you ok?" Marcus asked walking into the bathroom
"No I'm not ok. My husband just told me he's dying. How am I suppose to be ok?" Marcus reached out for me, but I stepped back. "How do you know for sure? How can you be certain it wouldn't go back into remission?"
"Because I was lucky it went into remission the first time. My doctor was surprised by it then and told me that if it came back my chances of survival were slim to none." Marcus spoke as if he had already given up.
"I did this to you. I've killed you." I spoke barely above a whisper still refusing to process what he was telling me.
"Amari you didn't give me cancer."
"No but my actions, my lies. I've killed your desire, your will to live."
"Amari, I'm dying and ..."
"No, you can try to deny it but I know that you don't feel like I've given you anything to live for."
He pulled me into his arms and rested his chin on my shoulder.
"I know I've hurt you Marcus, but I won't let you die."
"You don't get much choice."
"That's where you're wrong."
I pulled out of his arms and with shaky hands I pulled out my phone.
"Who are you calling?"
"Marisol."
"Why would you call her?"
"Because I won't let you die, even if you won't be with me, you will be around for the boys and that's more important."
Marcus took the phone out of my hands. "You aren't making sense."
"Remember when I told you I asked Marisol to let me free?" Marcus nodded his head "well when I told you she said no, that wasn't the whole truth."
"Of course it wasn't."
"She asked for a trade. My life for you."
He gave me a confused look. "What are you talking about a trade?"
"She gave my dad a choice and he gave up me. She gave me a choice I could stop having babies if I let her have you."
"Why would she want me?"
"Because you love me, and..."I don't know if I wanted to tell him the rest.
"And what?"
"And she is angry about my relationship with Mulo." I didn't look at him when I spoke.
He walked over and sat on the bed. I waited for him to respond but I was afraid of how angry he would be when he did.
"So she wanted to take from you what you took from her?"
"Yes, something like."
Marcus was silent again. I sat beside him waiting for him to speak, to let me know what he was thinking.
"How exactly does that work?"
"I know biting is involved but I blacked out when Bynni was changed so I don't remember much other than that."
"Not that. The part where she expects me to stay with her."
"Oh that, well I would imagine there would be some altering of memories involved." I expected him to yell, to cuss something but he said nothing. Instead Marcus laced his fingers in mine and kissed the back of my hand.
"I'm dying Amari. I don't want my memories altered, or even to acknowledge that you would think I would do such a thing. I don't want to forget that I love you and that I was your husband no matter how painful some of those memories are. I have no desire to live forever, to watch my children grow old and die while I'll remain. I'm dying and you need to accept that. I have."
