Monday, April 4, 2016

Chapter 133: The Writing's On The Wall


It was strange walking into a completely empty and quiet house. Not even Fred and Wilma were here to greet me. CeCe and Trey had taken them for me since Ashley had been asking for a pet. They hoped it would be a good way to test how responsible she’d be in caring for one. I didn’t call or text anyone about when I’d be back. I knew they’d all show up here at some point if I did, and I needed just a few more hours alone.

I’d been second guessing myself since yesterday. Was I doing the right thing? I’d thought my decision was a good one, that the time at the resort had given me some much needed clarity, but being back home now I wasn’t so sure. Dropping my small overnight bag on the floor, I dropped down onto the couch and let out a forced exhale before digging through my purse to locate my phone.


I’d dreaded turning it back on, but I knew I couldn’t ignore everything forever. Once it was powered up, a flurry of dings rang out as all the missed messages started coming through. Text messages and voicemails, some from the kids, but most were from Marcus. I read through the messages from the kids, they all had the same tone, they hoped I was okay, that they would take care of things while I was gone, each one made me smile. It felt good to know they were supportive of the time I needed. My thumb hovered over Marcus’ name in the list, highlighting it, I hit the little trashcan at the top of the screen. Confirm Delete? I hesitated for a moment, I’d told myself I wanted to hear anything he had to say directly not through text or voicemail, but maybe these messages could let me better prepare myself for when I had to face him.


“No. No. No,” I scolded myself. I had to stick to my plan. I had to. Hitting the ‘yes’ option, I erased all the messages from him. Before I could talk myself out of it, I dialed into my voicemail and did a delete all of the messages there.

I needed to let everyone know I was home, but first I needed a drink or five and a shower. Shower first, hopefully that would wash away any of the lingering feelings of self-doubt and worry that only seemed to be increasing. With Marcus knowing Mulo had returned, I was not prepared to face the accusations that I’m sure were going to come my way. It saddened me knowing how much our relationship had deteriorated. If someone had asked me just a few years ago if I ever thought Marcus could have turned into the man he is today, I would have laughed in their face. I guess the joke’s on me now since I’m living that reality.


Shutting off the water, I dried off slowly, dreading the call I had to make. I could put it off till tomorrow, but there was no need to prolong things. We needed to move forward, if he that’s what he wanted, but I needed to know for sure one way or another. After getting dressed, I called Aric to see if he could pick up the quads for me.  We talked for a little while, he asked about my trip and where I’d gone. He was quick to tell me he didn’t want to know any more details when I told him it was a partial nudist resort. Once we hung up, I took the band-aid approach to my next phone call. I knew if I didn’t call before Aric got there, I’d get an angry, accusatory call from him.

Inhale. Exhale. It was a sad day when the thought of calling my husband made me so nervous I could vomit.

It rang.
And rang.
And rang.


With each passing ring, anxiety grew. Did he see my number and was too pissed to answer? Or did he have his hands full with the babies? I hoped it was the babies and not something, or someone else. Just as I got ready to end the call he picked up.

“Yes?” he answered in a clipped tone. There was crying in the background, two of them that I could tell sounded unhappy at the moment. “Are you going to speak or are we just going to sit on the phone breathing? I’m a little busy if that’s the case.”

My mouth was dry and his impatient attitude wasn’t helping matters. “Sorry, um I just wanted to let you know that Aric is coming over.”

“For what?”

“To pick up the babies.”

Silence. There was shuffling around followed by keys being pressed. I smiled picturing one of the babies grabbing for the phone. They always did.

“Why aren’t you coming?”

I knew that tone all too well these days; the slight tensing of his speech that happened when he was trying to keep control of his emotions. I could only imagine that whatever transpired between he and Mulo had left Marcus stewing with bottled up anger and jealousy that was ready to erupt.


Inhale. Exhale. “Because we…we need to talk.”

“About?”

“A lot. Can you please just come over here after Aric and Nina pick them up?” Silence. “Marcus?”

“Yeah, fine. I’ll be over.”

The phone went dead.

I stared at the now black screen. I had a feeling before that call that I’d be facing angry Marcus, but after it, I was a hundred percent certain this conversation was about to be an uphill battle. I sent the other kids a text to let them all know I was back and that I would catch up with them later. Nervous energy coursed through my veins, it was an odd thing, on one hand I wanted Marcus here so we could get everything out in the open, but on the other I dreaded any sort of confrontation with him at this point.


Cleaning. Cleaning was always good for expending energy and it gave me something to focus on so I didn’t just sit and watch the clock. An hour or so later I’d run out of things to clean when I heard his car pull into the driveway. I waited for the sound of the door opening followed by his footsteps on the concrete walk way, but it didn’t come. Time ticked on with no movement from him outside. Eventually it came, the slam of his car door. I knew he was here, I’d asked him to come yet I still jumped when he knocked on the door.

Soon as I opened the door and laid eyes on him, I second guessed myself again. What if this backfired and we ended up in a worse place than we were now? I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt some days. Love wasn’t supposed to hurt.


“Thanks for coming,” I stated quietly, closing the door behind him.

Marcus made no move to walk farther into the house. My foyer was suddenly a very small, confined place with his presence filling every square inch of it. He made me nervous more than anything these days and I hated that feeling. I wanted the old us back. The relaxed, easy-going us we used to be before things went bad.

“Are you thirsty?” I headed towards the kitchen without waiting on him to answer. Space; I needed space, to be in more open areas.

“Did you have a good trip?”

“I did. Um, do you want something?”

“Where did you go?”


I closed the refrigerator. That same tone from the call was still there in each word he spoke. My arms crossed defensively, matching his stance. I knew what I was going to be facing, but that didn’t make it any easier. “Isla de las Flores. And since I’m sure your next question will be where I stayed, the answer is Free Spirit Resort and Spa. Finally, I went alone and I stayed alone.”

“Right,” he scoffed. “So you run off for a week, don’t tell anyone where you are, nor do you leave anyway to contact you, but you were alone? I’m supposed to believe that?”

And there it was. I was waiting for the accusation to come, I knew it would.

“Yeah, you are just like I’m supposed to believe you’re not fucking the nanny!” I threw back at him. “So Marcus, tell me, are we lying?”


I was done. I was not putting up with his bullshit double standards anymore. I had faults, I wouldn’t deny it. I wouldn’t even deny him his right to be angry, but I would deny him any further abuses of me.

His jaw clenched and the vein down the middle of his forehead pulsated with his obvious frustration. He knew he was wrong and he didn’t like that fact being thrown in his face. Well that was too damn bad.

“You want to be my husband when it suits you!” I yelled, taking steps towards him. “You want to lay some sort of claim to me when it’s convenient for you! But can we stop and talk about why I left Marcus. You…you hired someone to look after our children. MY children, children I nearly died to bring into this world without so much as a second thought about consulting me. On top of that, you hired someone like her, but in your world I was supposed to just be okay with that because of whatever excuse you told yourself. In case you didn’t realize it, I’m not okay with it!” I shoved him as I finally allowed myself to be angry over what he’d done.


“I am their mother Marcus! I want you to look me in the eye and tell me if the situation was reversed you would not have been pissed to walk in on the scene I walked in on!” I screamed, continuing to shove him. “Tell me you wouldn’t have let me know just how pissed you were to see some half dressed man taking care of our children all the while harboring a shit ton of lustful thoughts about me! Tell me I’m wrong Marcus!”

Marcus grabbed my wrists, stopping my assault against him. My chest rose and fell in rapid succession. I didn’t want to do this; I didn’t want to fight with him. I was tired of fighting with him because we both ended up worse off than before.  I tried to pull away, but Marcus wouldn’t let me. His anger gone, he looked ashamed of himself.


“I thought you knew. I hired her before Finley left because I knew I’d need help. I was wrong for assuming Finley would have told you, but you’re right I should have talked to you first.”

His words were sincere and I wanted so much to just let it go like I did everything else, to let him walk all over me again because I was still trying to atone for my sins. I couldn’t. Our relationship had turned into a merry-go-round, constantly going in circles and getting us nowhere. It was time for me to get off.

  
I pulled away. “But you didn’t. I never asked Finley about her time at your house. I wouldn’t have put her in the middle like that. You should have come to me, not left it up to our teenage daughter to maybe mention in passing. Regardless of how you felt about me, I should have been afforded the respect as their mother, to be consulted, but hiring her wasn’t only about you needing help. You wanted me to be jealous.” He started to protest, but I put my hand up to stop him. “Don’t try and deny it Marcus. You had to know me seeing that…woman around you and my children like that was going to upset me. Whether you thought I knew you had a nanny or not, seeing her, dressed like she was…neither of us are stupid Marcus, you knew what you were doing.”

Marcus started pacing, nodding his head in agreement. “You’re right; maybe subconsciously I wanted you to worry about me and some other woman. Maybe I wanted you to know what it’s like to know that your spouse had interest in someone other than you! Maybe I wanted you to have the uncertainty that came with wondering what you were lacking that made them need…no, made them want someone else! Maybe it was the only way to get you to understand, to really understand how I’ve felt through all of this!”


And there it was. My eyes closed as I absorbed all he said. Like a hot knife through butter, Marcus’ words cut me. His brutal honesty wasn’t anything I didn’t already know in the back of my mind, but hearing them spoken aloud stripped away any sliver of denial I tried to hang onto. At the same time, his words solidified what I knew had to happen. We were getting to the point of no return and I didn’t want that. I wanted to save what I could.

Shaky legs carried me over to the couch. Picking up my purse, I unzipped it slowly. Trembling fingers ran over the envelope that rested inside.

“You wanted to hurt me. Of late that always seems to be your end game whether it’s consciously or subconsciously.” My voice scratchy, thick with emotion as I tried to be strong enough to get through this. “We’re stuck Marcus.”

He walked over and took a seat beside me. I handed him the envelope.


“What the hell is this?” He balled up the paper after scanning it, throwing it across the room. “Why am I not surprised? He shows back up and you are ready to go ride off into the sunset with him!”

“This has nothing to do with him!”

“Bullshit! It’s just some sort of coincidence that you’re ready to call it quits days after he shows up? Like you said, neither of us are stupid Amari.” Every syllable was laced with contempt.

“I made this decision before he showed up!”

His lip curled in disgust. “So you have seen him?”

I nodded. “He showed up at the resort. He tried to make a case using Jenelle against you and the fact that you walked out on me and our marriage…”


“You know damn well why I left, but since you can’t see the forest for the trees when it comes to him I can only imagine he didn’t have to work too hard to make his case!”

My stomach ached. The ringing in my ears made my head hurt. I knew he’d take the news badly, but still I was unprepared for the angry tirade Marcus was launching.

“…so much for you fighting for us.” Was the last thing he said.

I looked up at him, the rage and sadness written all over his face ripped my heart to shreds. “This is me fighting for us,” I croaked out through the tears. “Look at us Marcus! All we do is fight and hurt each other; intentionally or unintentionally it doesn’t matter because it’s happening. This thing with that nanny, everything you said about why you did it…this is me, fighting to preserve something if we’re to have a chance. It’s not a divorce Marcus, only a separation. A legal separation.”

Marcus dropped down into the chair, seemingly as exhausted from the state of things as I was.


“What…what you said about me, wanting me to have that uncertainty, I have it Marcus. This wasn’t easy for me and I second guessed, I’m still second guessing my decision…but it needs to happen. You can’t be okay with how we are unless you do enjoy finding new ways to punish me.”

He leaned forward, dropping his head into his hands. “That’s not what I’m doing. Or at least not what I’m trying to do, but… fuck! Everything is just so screwed up and just when I think I may be turning the corner…shit happens. I don’t want to be like this! I fucking hate all of it. Sometimes I wish you had slept with him as crazy as that sounds, it would make things easier for me to understand in a way. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore...”


I eased off the couch, slowly making my way over to him. “I understand, I do, or I’ve tried to. I love you Marcus. I know at times you don’t believe me, but I do. I want us to work. I want us to have the life we talked about…but that won’t happen if things stay the way they are. I’ve made you doubt everything. Me, us, and yourself. I’ve put a giant question mark on our entire relationship and I’ve tried and tried to figure out a way to remove it, but I’ve failed. You asked for time, that’s what this is. You are free to take all the time you need to work through all your anger and frustration. This isn’t easy because I’m scared. I’m scared to death that you’ll wake up and realize I’m not worth it. That you’ll find someone else, someone better…”

I choked on my words. That was my biggest fear in this plan, that Marcus would realize that the woman he was in love with was the old me, instead of the woman I am today.  It was a risk, a huge, terrifying risk, but one I had to take. I needed him to figure it out through whatever means he needed without fear of guilt or obligation.

“You’re already gone Marcus. Don’t you see that? You walked out, you’ve been gone for months now and what’s changed? Nothing in the way of getting better, I fear we’ve actually gotten worse. I…I feel like I’m holding you back from finding your happiness.”


“So you expect me to what? Go out, date, explore other options?”

As much as I didn’t want to do it, I choked out an answer. “Yes…if…if that’s what it takes. If that’s what you need…I just don’t want us to be here. I don’t want things between us to be so soured that we end up hating each other. I fear that if we stay this course that’s what will happen.”

“And what will you be doing during this separation you think is supposed to save us?”


I reached out to caress his handsome face. I missed having it be the last thing I saw at night and the first thing that greeted me in the morning. I missed him, the man he was before I ruined him. Looking at him now, seeing how I’d broken the best man that came into my screwed up life, I wanted nothing more than to take his pain away, but I didn’t know how.

“Taking care of myself. Focusing on being a parent, finding a new hobby, I don’t know, but it won’t be seeing Mulo since that’s what you really want to know. He showed up Marcus. For the first time ever Mulo told me how he felt about me, actually spoke the words and do you know what I did in response? I told him no. I chose you and our marriage again. I did a lot of thinking and soul searching before he showed up. When I really thought about it, I need the time as much as you do. Every man in my life that has claimed to love me has hurt me, so…time on my own, without any other worries…it’s what I need.”

Marcus nodded but didn’t say anything. I’m sure he didn’t believe me, I could tell based on the skeptical look on his face, but he didn’t argue. He pulled me up, our lips touched ever so lightly. It was almost as if he were afraid to do more.


I slid back as he moved to get up. Marcus walked over to where the crumpled paper lay. Silently he unfolded it, signed it, then left without another word. Crippling pain took hold, squeezing me, making it hard to breathe. All the preparations and pep talks I’d given myself for this moment failed and all that was left was the excoriating heartache.

16 comments:

  1. It was a talk that needed to happen. And, for the first time, it feels like they've finally on the right path. They both seemed to understand the situation and see it for what it really is.

    This will be good for them both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was time. They've been fighting for so long it was all they knew. Amari stepped up and said enough was enough. She loves Marcus and didn't want to see their relationship get any worse.

      Hopefully things will work out like she hopes.

      thank you for reading and your continued support over the years!

      Delete
  2. Oh wow, I can't believe this is the final chapter. Kiss has been one of the few constants in my life, my Wednesdays will never be the same again:( On the bright side we still have the epilogue to look forward to.

    About the update, I always maintained I wanted Amari to be on her own, to put herself first and to do just her and only her. So in a way this is bitter sweet for me, that she's reached this ending and has finally decided to stop putting others before her. But at the same time I couldn't help but feel sad for the end of their marriage. Losing someone in any form can't be easy, I can't
    imagine the heartbreak they are going through.

    Everything seems so final now. But it's the right decision for their marriage, and I think she's right, Marcus would have still found some way to punish her and to keep doubting their love. Even now he still couldn't accept that she wants to be with him, he's still suspicious of her and Mulo. Just because two people love each other doesn't always mean they should stay together and this couldn't be more true for these two.

    Too much has happened between them and I honestly feel it would have taken a miracle to bring them back together

    Hopefully they can both heal from this, and focus on co-parenting their children.

    Now about Mulo, is he truly out of the picture or will he sneak his way back into Amari's life. He's gotta know she's hurting right now and I know the old Mulo would have used that to get close to her. But since he's a changed man, I wonder if he'll keep his distance?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. It's hard to believe that after 4 years and 9 months I'm done with these characters. Posted the epilogue today. It was emotional. :(

      Amari needed the time on her own. She's been through a lot and has never had a moment to just breathe and take care of herself. This is her time. Well, hopefully it's not the end of their marriage. This is only a separation not a divorce so with time, they could work things out. We'll have to wait and see what the future holds.

      Marcus is in a bad place and has been for a while. Staying where they were things were most likely only going to get worse and Amari didn't want that. She knew, for both their sakes, they needed time away to heal on their own. Marcus even said before that sometimes love isn't enough, we'll see if that holds true or not.

      Crazier things have been known to happen. ;) They could get things worked out, or they could both find new people. We'll have to wait and see.

      Nope, Mulo is truly respecting what Amari asked of him. He's caused her enough pain, so he won't cause more and him always around, trying to win her affections does cause her pain. :( He'll stay back and wait to see what happens and let her come to him if things go that way.

      Thank you so much for your support over the years. It's meant a lot and I truly appreciate it!!!

      Delete
  3. I like the fact that everyone is able to talk without a huge fight breaking out. This was very calm and tame compared to their other conversations I think. I knew he wasn't doing anything with the nanny, but like he said, he did kinda want her to believe he was. Also, I didn't even realize it til now but Amari is right about the whole "every man in my life has hurt me" thing. Her father, Marcus, and Mulo. It's only her son's that haven't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was good to see them actually talk for a change. They've fought a lot and things were getting bad. Nope, he wasn't sleeping with the nanny, but he did want to make Amari jealous. :( It's been a rough time for these two. Yes, every man that has claimed to love her, has hurt her in some way. Don't forget to add Jessie in that list. She needed time to be on her own. Hopefully it'll do her some good.

      thanks for reading. I have been honored to have you as a supporter of this story. :)

      Delete
  4. I have to wonder if listening to those phone messages would've made a difference. What if Marcus is basing his opinion of her actions thinking that she'd heard them and still come to this decision.
    Other than that, I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm anxious to find out what happens, but I'm kinda sad that that will be it. Very sad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We'll never know. Amari was pretty logical in her reasons for needing the separation. Even if she had listened to the messages, Marcus couldn't deny the truth of her words. They were going no where fast and if they didn't make a change they would have wound up in a worse place. Nothing like parents hating each other and having to be around each other often. :(

      I'm sad too. I published the epi today and man, it was hard. This was my first story and now it's over. Crying over here!!!

      Thank you for reading and thank you for being on call to make poses when I needed. Sim stories have allowed me to meet some amazing people and you are certainly one of them. :)

      Delete
  5. I think this is the best ending anyone could have hoped for. Theres still room for them to get back together, someday, should their hearts heal and they find a way to forgive each other...Though honestly I hope that she stays single for a long, long time and focuses on raising her children and her grandchildren. There's alot more to life than just a partner and many people live full filling lives without them.

    I guess we'll see in the prologue...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is room for them to get back together, but they need time. They are both hurt and continued to hurt each other more. They needed a break. Amari has had one hell of a life and never anytime to just put herself first. She needs that now, to find out who she is now and move forward from there. You are very right, she doesn't need a partner to be complete and that's something she needs to find out. She has plenty in her life to keep her happy and fulfilled. :)

      Thank you for your continued support and kind words over the years. It's meant a lot to and I'm glad I was able to share my story with you. :)

      Delete
  6. As they continued to argue, I just knew it was leading to a divorce. I mean, Amari is right, all they ever do is fight. Slightly disappointed to see that it's just a separation, but it's a step in the right direction. I just don't see them working out. The damage is done, but who knows?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, all they do is fight, but neither are really ready to call it quits. Mulo has done more to her and she has managed to forgive him, so there is hope for her and Marcus to work things out. Maybe the time apart, real time apart will do them some good. We'll just have to wait and see.

      thank you for reading :)

      Delete
  7. They both know that they need to talk things out and the first thing they do when they see each other is start a fight. At this rate it seems like they will never patch up their differences. Maybe this seperation is all for the best as they can't continue on the path that they are on now. At the very least has to stop all the fighting. Amari is taking steps to be her own woman now and maybe time without either Marcus and Mulo holding her up she will be able to do it on her own.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amari knew going in that the conversation was going to be hard. With Mulo coming back and seeing Marcus, she knew that he was going to be angry. It's like he couldn't help it, Mulo was a hair trigger for him. :(

      The separation wasn't an easy choice for Amari, but she knew they needed something to change. Things were deteriorating before her eyes and she wanted to stop it if she could. She needs to take control of her life and put herself first for the once. Everyone has always taken priority and she needed to stop that. Sink or swim, she had to make the call.

      thanks for reading

      Delete
  8. I'm so glad they finally talked but I still want them to make it work. I won't blame either of them if they can't. They've been through a lot of shit and people can only cope with so much.
    This was an emotional one :/

    ~MischiefTheKitten

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They needed to talk. It wasn't an easy talk, but it was needed. They both have been through so much and there is a ton of hurt between them. Time to heal is what's needed.

      It was emotional, writing this was just as hard as her telling Mulo no again. :(

      thanks for reading

      Delete