Chapter 133: The Writing's On The Wall

It was strange walking into a completely empty and quiet house. Not even Fred and Wilma were here to greet me. CeCe and Trey had taken them for me since Ashley had been asking for a pet. They hoped it would be a good way to test how responsible she’d be in caring for one. I didn’t call or text anyone about when I’d be back. I knew they’d all show up here at some point if I did, and I needed just a few more hours alone.

I’d been second guessing myself since yesterday. Was I doing the right thing? I’d thought my decision was a good one, that the time at the resort had given me some much needed clarity, but being back home now I wasn’t so sure. Dropping my small overnight bag on the floor, I dropped down onto the couch and let out a forced exhale before digging through my purse to locate my phone.

I’d dreaded turning it back on, but I knew I couldn’t ignore everything forever. Once it was powered up, a flurry of dings rang out as all the missed messages started coming through. Text messages and voicemails, some from the kids, but most were from Marcus. I read through the messages from the kids, they all had the same tone, they hoped I was okay, that they would take care of things while I was gone, each one made me smile. It felt good to know they were supportive of the time I needed. My thumb hovered over Marcus’ name in the list, highlighting it, I hit the little trashcan at the top of the screen. Confirm Delete? I hesitated for a moment, I’d told myself I wanted to hear anything he had to say directly not through text or voicemail, but maybe these messages could let me better prepare myself for when I had to face him.

“No. No. No,” I scolded myself. I had to stick to my plan. I had to. Hitting the ‘yes’ option, I erased all the messages from him. Before I could talk myself out of it, I dialed into my voicemail and did a delete all of the messages there.

I needed to let everyone know I was home, but first I needed a drink or five and a shower. Shower first, hopefully that would wash away any of the lingering feelings of self-doubt and worry that only seemed to be increasing. With Marcus knowing Mulo had returned, I was not prepared to face the accusations that I’m sure were going to come my way. It saddened me knowing how much our relationship had deteriorated. If someone had asked me just a few years ago if I ever thought Marcus could have turned into the man he is today, I would have laughed in their face. I guess the joke’s on me now since I’m living that reality.

Shutting off the water, I dried off slowly, dreading the call I had to make. I could put it off till tomorrow, but there was no need to prolong things. We needed to move forward, if he that’s what he wanted, but I needed to know for sure one way or another. After getting dressed, I called Aric to see if he could pick up the quads for me.  We talked for a little while, he asked about my trip and where I’d gone. He was quick to tell me he didn’t want to know any more details when I told him it was a partial nudist resort. Once we hung up, I took the band-aid approach to my next phone call. I knew if I didn’t call before Aric got there, I’d get an angry, accusatory call from him.

Inhale. Exhale. It was a sad day when the thought of calling my husband made me so nervous I could vomit.

It rang.

And rang.

And rang.

With each passing ring, anxiety grew. Did he see my number and was too pissed to answer? Or did he have his hands full with the babies? I hoped it was the babies and not something, or someone else. Just as I got ready to end the call he picked up.

“Yes?” he answered in a clipped tone. There was crying in the background, two of them that I could tell sounded unhappy at the moment. “Are you going to speak or are we just going to sit on the phone breathing? I’m a little busy if that’s the case.”

My mouth was dry and his impatient attitude wasn’t helping matters. “Sorry, um I just wanted to let you know that Aric is coming over.”

“For what?”

“To pick up the babies.”

Silence. There was shuffling around followed by keys being pressed. I smiled picturing one of the babies grabbing for the phone. They always did.

“Why aren’t you coming?”

I knew that tone all too well these days; the slight tensing of his speech that happened when he was trying to keep control of his emotions. I could only imagine that whatever transpired between he and Mulo had left Marcus stewing with bottled up anger and jealousy that was ready to erupt.

Inhale. Exhale. “Because we…we need to talk.”

“About?”

“A lot. Can you please just come over here after Aric and Nina pick them up?” Silence. “Marcus?”

“Yeah, fine. I’ll be over.”

The phone went dead.

I stared at the now black screen. I had a feeling before that call that I’d be facing angry Marcus, but after it, I was a hundred percent certain this conversation was about to be an uphill battle. I sent the other kids a text to let them all know I was back and that I would catch up with them later. Nervous energy coursed through my veins, it was an odd thing, on one hand I wanted Marcus here so we could get everything out in the open, but on the other I dreaded any sort of confrontation with him at this point.

Cleaning. Cleaning was always good for expending energy and it gave me something to focus on so I didn’t just sit and watch the clock. An hour or so later I’d run out of things to clean when I heard his car pull into the driveway. I waited for the sound of the door opening followed by his footsteps on the concrete walk way, but it didn’t come. Time ticked on with no movement from him outside. Eventually it came, the slam of his car door. I knew he was here, I’d asked him to come yet I still jumped when he knocked on the door.

Soon as I opened the door and laid eyes on him, I second guessed myself again. What if this backfired and we ended up in a worse place than we were now? I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt some days. Love wasn’t supposed to hurt.

“Thanks for coming,” I stated quietly, closing the door behind him.

Marcus made no move to walk farther into the house. My foyer was suddenly a very small, confined place with his presence filling every square inch of it. He made me nervous more than anything these days and I hated that feeling. I wanted the old us back. The relaxed, easy-going us we used to be before things went bad.

“Are you thirsty?” I headed towards the kitchen without waiting on him to answer. Space; I needed space, to be in more open areas.

“Did you have a good trip?”

“I did. Um, do you want something?”

“Where did you go?”

I closed the refrigerator. That same tone from the call was still there in each word he spoke. My arms crossed defensively, matching his stance. I knew what I was going to be facing, but that didn’t make it any easier. “Isla de las Flores. And since I’m sure your next question will be where I stayed, the answer is Free Spirit Resort and Spa. Finally, I went alone and I stayed alone.”

“Right,” he scoffed. “So you run off for a week, don’t tell anyone where you are, nor do you leave anyway to contact you, but you were alone? I’m supposed to believe that?”

And there it was. I was waiting for the accusation to come, I knew it would.

“Yeah, you are just like I’m supposed to believe you’re not fucking the nanny!” I threw back at him. “So Marcus, tell me, are we lying?”

I was done. I was not putting up with his bullshit double standards anymore. I had faults, I wouldn’t deny it. I wouldn’t even deny him his right to be angry, but I would deny him any further abuses of me.

His jaw clenched and the vein down the middle of his forehead pulsated with his obvious frustration. He knew he was wrong and he didn’t like that fact being thrown in his face. Well that was too damn bad.

“You want to be my husband when it suits you!” I yelled, taking steps towards him. “You want to lay some sort of claim to me when it’s convenient for you! But can we stop and talk about why I left Marcus. You…you hired someone to look after our children. MY children, children I nearly died to bring into this world without so much as a second thought about consulting me. On top of that, you hired someone like her, but in your world I was supposed to just be okay with that because of whatever excuse you told yourself. In case you didn’t realize it, I’m not okay with it!” I shoved him as I finally allowed myself to be angry over what he’d done.

“I am their mother Marcus! I want you to look me in the eye and tell me if the situation was reversed you would not have been pissed to walk in on the scene I walked in on!” I screamed, continuing to shove him. “Tell me you wouldn’t have let me know just how pissed you were to see some half dressed man taking care of our children all the while harboring a shit ton of lustful thoughts about me! Tell me I’m wrong Marcus!”

Marcus grabbed my wrists, stopping my assault against him. My chest rose and fell in rapid succession. I didn’t want to do this; I didn’t want to fight with him. I was tired of fighting with him because we both ended up worse off than before.  I tried to pull away, but Marcus wouldn’t let me. His anger gone, he looked ashamed of himself.

“I thought you knew. I hired her before Finley left because I knew I’d need help. I was wrong for assuming Finley would have told you, but you’re right I should have talked to you first.”

His words were sincere and I wanted so much to just let it go like I did everything else, to let him walk all over me again because I was still trying to atone for my sins. I couldn’t. Our relationship had turned into a merry-go-round, constantly going in circles and getting us nowhere. It was time for me to get off.

  

I pulled away. “But you didn’t. I never asked Finley about her time at your house. I wouldn’t have put her in the middle like that. You should have come to me, not left it up to our teenage daughter to maybe mention in passing. Regardless of how you felt about me, I should have been afforded the respect as their mother, to be consulted, but hiring her wasn’t only about you needing help. You wanted me to be jealous.” He started to protest, but I put my hand up to stop him. “Don’t try and deny it Marcus. You had to know me seeing that…woman around you and my children like that was going to upset me. Whether you thought I knew you had a nanny or not, seeing her, dressed like she was…neither of us are stupid Marcus, you knew what you were doing.”

Marcus started pacing, nodding his head in agreement. “You’re right; maybe subconsciously I wanted you to worry about me and some other woman. Maybe I wanted you to know what it’s like to know that your spouse had interest in someone other than you! Maybe I wanted you to have the uncertainty that came with wondering what you were lacking that made them need…no, made them want someone else! Maybe it was the only way to get you to understand, to really understand how I’ve felt through all of this!”

And there it was. My eyes closed as I absorbed all he said. Like a hot knife through butter, Marcus’ words cut me. His brutal honesty wasn’t anything I didn’t already know in the back of my mind, but hearing them spoken aloud stripped away any sliver of denial I tried to hang onto. At the same time, his words solidified what I knew had to happen. We were getting to the point of no return and I didn’t want that. I wanted to save what I could.

Shaky legs carried me over to the couch. Picking up my purse, I unzipped it slowly. Trembling fingers ran over the envelope that rested inside.

“You wanted to hurt me. Of late that always seems to be your end game whether it’s consciously or subconsciously.” My voice scratchy, thick with emotion as I tried to be strong enough to get through this. “We’re stuck Marcus.”

He walked over and took a seat beside me. I handed him the envelope.

“What the hell is this?” He balled up the paper after scanning it, throwing it across the room. “Why am I not surprised? He shows back up and you are ready to go ride off into the sunset with him!”

“This has nothing to do with him!”

“Bullshit! It’s just some sort of coincidence that you’re ready to call it quits days after he shows up? Like you said, neither of us are stupid Amari.” Every syllable was laced with contempt.

“I made this decision before he showed up!”

His lip curled in disgust. “So you have seen him?”

I nodded. “He showed up at the resort. He tried to make a case using Jenelle against you and the fact that you walked out on me and our marriage…”

“You know damn well why I left, but since you can’t see the forest for the trees when it comes to him I can only imagine he didn’t have to work too hard to make his case!”

My stomach ached. The ringing in my ears made my head hurt. I knew he’d take the news badly, but still I was unprepared for the angry tirade Marcus was launching.

“…so much for you fighting for us.” Was the last thing he said.

I looked up at him, the rage and sadness written all over his face ripped my heart to shreds. “This is me fighting for us,” I croaked out through the tears. “Look at us Marcus! All we do is fight and hurt each other; intentionally or unintentionally it doesn’t matter because it’s happening. This thing with that nanny, everything you said about why you did it…this is me, fighting to preserve something if we’re to have a chance. It’s not a divorce Marcus, only a separation. A legal separation.”

Marcus dropped down into the chair, seemingly as exhausted from the state of things as I was.

“What…what you said about me, wanting me to have that uncertainty, I have it Marcus. This wasn’t easy for me and I second guessed, I’m still second guessing my decision…but it needs to happen. You can’t be okay with how we are unless you do enjoy finding new ways to punish me.”

He leaned forward, dropping his head into his hands. “That’s not what I’m doing. Or at least not what I’m trying to do, but… fuck! Everything is just so screwed up and just when I think I may be turning the corner…shit happens. I don’t want to be like this! I fucking hate all of it. Sometimes I wish you had slept with him as crazy as that sounds, it would make things easier for me to understand in a way. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore...”

I eased off the couch, slowly making my way over to him. “I understand, I do, or I’ve tried to. I love you Marcus. I know at times you don’t believe me, but I do. I want us to work. I want us to have the life we talked about…but that won’t happen if things stay the way they are. I’ve made you doubt everything. Me, us, and yourself. I’ve put a giant question mark on our entire relationship and I’ve tried and tried to figure out a way to remove it, but I’ve failed. You asked for time, that’s what this is. You are free to take all the time you need to work through all your anger and frustration. This isn’t easy because I’m scared. I’m scared to death that you’ll wake up and realize I’m not worth it. That you’ll find someone else, someone better…”

I choked on my words. That was my biggest fear in this plan, that Marcus would realize that the woman he was in love with was the old me, instead of the woman I am today.  It was a risk, a huge, terrifying risk, but one I had to take. I needed him to figure it out through whatever means he needed without fear of guilt or obligation.

“You’re already gone Marcus. Don’t you see that? You walked out, you’ve been gone for months now and what’s changed? Nothing in the way of getting better, I fear we’ve actually gotten worse. I…I feel like I’m holding you back from finding your happiness.”

“So you expect me to what? Go out, date, explore other options?”

As much as I didn’t want to do it, I choked out an answer. “Yes…if…if that’s what it takes. If that’s what you need…I just don’t want us to be here. I don’t want things between us to be so soured that we end up hating each other. I fear that if we stay this course that’s what will happen.”

“And what will you be doing during this separation you think is supposed to save us?”

I reached out to caress his handsome face. I missed having it be the last thing I saw at night and the first thing that greeted me in the morning. I missed him, the man he was before I ruined him. Looking at him now, seeing how I’d broken the best man that came into my screwed up life, I wanted nothing more than to take his pain away, but I didn’t know how.

“Taking care of myself. Focusing on being a parent, finding a new hobby, I don’t know, but it won’t be seeing Mulo since that’s what you really want to know. He showed up Marcus. For the first time ever Mulo told me how he felt about me, actually spoke the words and do you know what I did in response? I told him no. I chose you and our marriage again. I did a lot of thinking and soul searching before he showed up. When I really thought about it, I need the time as much as you do. Every man in my life that has claimed to love me has hurt me, so…time on my own, without any other worries…it’s what I need.”

Marcus nodded but didn’t say anything. I’m sure he didn’t believe me, I could tell based on the skeptical look on his face, but he didn’t argue. He pulled me up, our lips touched ever so lightly. It was almost as if he were afraid to do more.

I slid back as he moved to get up. Marcus walked over to where the crumpled paper lay. Silently he unfolded it, signed it, then left without another word. Crippling pain took hold, squeezing me, making it hard to breathe. All the preparations and pep talks I’d given myself for this moment failed and all that was left was the excoriating heartache.