Chapter 116-Crossroads

The house was tense. Finley picked up on it, and started spending a lot of time out with Zana. Marcus and I barely spoke, and when we did, it was about the kids. I’d tried to talk to him about us, but he would shut me down every time. Nothing I could say would make this better for him. I’d betrayed him in the worst possible way. I’d fought against my attraction to Mulo, and he showed a will power I didn’t know he possessed in keeping me from crossing that line. We got close, too close many times and no explanation was going to help Marcus deal with that. Each day that went by, I felt the wall between us grow. I thought being without him was lonely, but I realized I hadn’t truly experienced loneliness until now. To be so estranged that it seemed like I truly didn’t exist to him made me feel more isolated than I ever have.

“Marcus, how much longer will we go on like this?” I asked once we got the babies down for the night.

Most nights he ignored me when I spoke, at least tonight he stopped as if he were considering answering my question.

“I didn’t sleep with him Marcus. He wouldn’t let me go there because he knew how much I loved you and he knew what that would do to me to betray you that way,” I continued trying to capitalize on the moment.

Silence. I thought he was going to just walk away like normal, but he didn’t.

“You expect me to believe that you spent all that time with him and you didn’t once have sex with him? On top of that, he was the one to say no? Don’t insult me by lying Amari, it won’t help anything.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Finley close the door to her room. This was not a conversation to have in the hallway especially if things got heated. He stepped forward quickly, grabbing onto my arm and pulled me into our room. I moved away from him as he closed the door. The look on his face was the same one from the night I returned home and I knew that he was still just as angry now as he was then.

“I’m not lying to you Marcus. I won’t say we didn’t come close, because we did.” I backed up more when I saw Marcus’ jaw clench and his hands ball into fists at my admission. “As much as it pains me to say we did…but…we never…I swear we didn’t.”

“But you wanted to.”

“It was out of my control. You’ve been through it. I was struggling Marcus. I nearly killed 3 people, I couldn’t handle the plasma options, so there was only him. Feeding from him made things worse. It was out of my control.”

“You could have come home Amari! You had other options, yet you chose to stay there, with him so don’t talk to me about things being out of your control. It sounds like an excuse to me.”

“That may be true, but it’s a valid one.”

“Please enlighten me on how that works out.”

I swallowed hard. This conversation could go south fast, but at least we were having a conversation. This was the most he’d talked to me since that first night.

“I could have come home. Stayed with one of the kids, imposed upon their lives but I didn’t want to do that. I have stumbled through this job of mine as a parent, felt like more of a burden to my kids than a help. I just didn’t want to do that to them again. I couldn’t do that to them again.” I moved closer to him slowly, hoping I was getting through.

“I could have helped you had you given me the chance!”

“Like you let me help when you were sick?” I yelled back.

Marcus took a step back as if I’d slapped him. “So this is punishment for a choice I made nearly a lifetime ago?”

I ran my hands over my face. “No…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just I’m trying to make you understand…I wanted to come home, but I was scared to.”

“Scared? What the hell would you be scared about?”

“Did you not hear me? I nearly killed 3 of Mulo’s servants that first day. Coming home, risking the kids, I didn’t want to chance it. The day I arrived, Finley hugged me and instead of me instantly hugging her back I zeroed in on her throbbing vein!”

I angrily wiped away at a tear as I thought about that day. “I wanted nothing more than to sink my teeth into her, my own child. So yes, I stayed with him until I thought I had things under control.”

Marcus stayed quiet for a moment. I could see the anger still on his face and feared that no matter what I said he was only going to hear I got close with Mulo.

“I don’t understand, Amari,” he said finally.

“Understand what?”

“How…after everything he’s done to you, to this family how you can still be around him. Want to be around him.”

I heard the pain and frustration in his voice, I could see it on his face. The way Marcus looked at me in that moment showed me that I’d betrayed him long before my change. He wanted something from me that I couldn’t give him.

“Mulo and I have a long and complicated…relationship. I’ve hated him, cussed him, beat him and finally forgave him. I had too because I needed to. That kind of hatred weighs you down, and believe me I have been down. Life has thrown a lot of shit my way, I’ve had to deal with and overcome more than my share of unfairness. I could not continue to dwell. Your anger, your hatred of him is yours and with good reason. You have to handle that in the best way you know how. But…but I can’t hate him for you. I’m fully aware some of my decisions have not helped things and for that I am sorry. God am I sorry for making a bad situation worse.”

I stepped closer to Marcus, thankful that he didn’t move away. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough to make me feel hopeful, just a tiny bit that my marriage might survive this. Making a bold move, I reached out and placed my hands on his face.

“I told you in the hospital, you are the man I want in my life. Being with you and our kids, it’s the only place I truly want to be. I love you Marcus. With everything that I have, with everything that I am, I…love…you. I am not without my faults, so I guess you have to decide if you can love me in spite of them.”

The look on his face softened for a moment, his hands covered mine and I started to feel hopeful that I was getting through to him.

“It’s not you or your faults I have trouble loving,” Marcus said removing my hands. “it’s your actions. They betray your words every time. You say you love me, you say you want to be with me, but when a choice needs to be made, it’s him you run to. The thing with Flo, as much as I hate to admit it, he was the only one that could save you, but…afterwards. You told me the same thing then, you were scared so I have to find you in his house, in his bed, in his clothes.”

With each word he spoke, Marcus’ anger seemed to grow. “Now you are feeding me the same bull, being scared so he was the only option. Why is it when you are unsure of something, or need some time to figure shit out, you do so with him? I don’t need you to hate him Amari, I just need you to not want him!”

His words screamed out to me. I was right, I had betrayed Marcus long before now. I could have tried to explain I didn’t want Mulo, not like he implied, but there was no point.

“I love you Marcus. You may not want to hear it and you may not believe it, but I do. Sorry…sorry isn’t enough, but I am so very sorry for all of this.”

It may have been unrealistic given the circumstance, but I really wanted him to take me into his arms and tell me we’d be okay. That we would find a way to work through this like we’d done before, but he didn’t. Marcus didn’t even respond to my statement. We stood in silence and I could feel the death of my marriage creeping up on me. I started to speak, but was interrupted by the ringing of my phone. It was Cece, I hit the ignore button. I could call her back later, I really wanted to resolve this with Marcus. My phone started ringing again.

“You should answer that unless it’s someone you’d rather not speak to in front of me.”

I answered the phone, putting it on speaker so he’d know I wasn’t lying about who was on the other end.

“Hey, Cece, can…”

“It’s not Cecula, but she says hi.”