Chapter 83-The Best Policy

Telling Dax and Dunham was harder than I thought it would be.  Dunham took it harder because of his current situation.  He didn’t really want to talk to me for a few days especially when I wouldn’t tell them who the father was.  I still had to tell Jonas and Carter and I didn’t want them going over there making accusations.  I had promised to tell them after I talked to the father.  I however put that off for two weeks as I tried and tried to figure out what I was going to say.  Jonas’s schedule also helped in the delay.  Now that his paperwork for his official transfer had come through he was working his 48 hours on 24 hours off at the station.  I really didn’t want to have that sort of conversation around ten other firemen it gave me an excuse not to tell him right away but I wanted to tell him before I broke the news to Carter.  However today was the day.  When I sent him the text telling him I wanted to see him he was all too eager to accommodate me.  I was happy I still wasn’t quite showing but I made sure to dress in looser fitting clothes to be on the safe side.  

 I arrived at the restaurant first the hostess seated me and I ordered a drink while I waited for him.  I toyed with the straw in my lemonade watching the ice cubes swirl around.  I really would have loved to have something stronger but that was no longer allowed. 

“Sorry I’m late.”  Jonas spoke coming up behind me and giving me a kiss on the cheek.  “Hope you weren’t waiting long.”

“No I just got here a little while ago.”

“You look good.”  He commented taking the seat across from me.

“Thanks.  It seems like forever since we’ve had a chance to talk.  The fire station keeps you busy.”

“Yeah, the new guy gets the crappy shifts.  Have you ordered already?”

“Nope I was waiting for you.”

He signaled for the waiter and we placed our orders.  We made small talk about how things were going.  I filled him in on Dunham and Embry’s situation letting him know I decided to just give her a small lump sum so she could purchase what she needed.  Our food arrived and we ate mostly in silence.  

“Jonas, thanks again for agreeing to meet me today.  I know you’ve been tired and busy and I won’t take up too much more of your time.”

“It’s not problem.  I was happy to hear from you truthfully.  I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

“How’s Carter?  We haven’t talked much lately.”  That was more my fault than his because I was avoiding him since I found out I was pregnant.  Before I thought I would be able to put what happened with Jonas and I behind me and get back some sort of a normal relationship with Carter, but from the moment that test showed positive I knew that was no longer an option.

“He’s good.  Been working out a lot and I think it has more to do with his trainer than him actually wanting to be there.  He may be developing a crush.” 

“Really?  Um, wow, that’s…um if that’s the case then I’m happy for him.”  The idea of Carter dating never really registered with me before, but now hearing that he might be interested in someone left me with mixed feelings. 

“Yeah he’s eating better and he talks about her all the time.  I’ve met her, she’s a sweet girl and seemed to be just as interested in him.”  He leaned forward and took my hand.  “You know this could be a very good thing.  For us I mean.”

“Jonas.”

“I know, I know we would still need to take things slow for his sake. But Amari this might…”

“I’m pregnant Jonas.”  I said cutting him off.  “There’s no going slow, no way at all because that night, the one we were trying to keep from him is coming back to bite us, me, in the butt.”  Jonas sat back in his chair giving me a stunned expression.  He was at a loss for words as he tried to process what I had just said. 

“You’re pregnant.”  I wasn’t sure if it was a question or a statement but I answered him anyway.

“Yes, pregnant.”

“I’m gonna be a dad.”  He still sounded shocked as he looked down at the table but as he looked up at me the biggest smile formed on his face.  “I’m gonna be a dad!”  He said again but this time with excitement.  He got up from his seat to pull me into a hug twirling me around which drew stares from the tables around us.  Once he let his excitement settle down the heaviness of what lay ahead dawned on him.

“Let me tell him.  I think it will be better that way.”

“I can’t let you do that.  I’m the one that broke his heart; I need to own up to what I’ve done.  No matter how hard it’s going to be.”  Jonas stepped up and pulled me back into an embrace.

“You didn’t do this alone.  Let me at least be there when you talk to him.”

“No, it will be better if I do this alone.”  It took a little convincing but he finally agreed to let me talk to Carter on my own.  I knew I had to do it soon and the thought of that made me sick to my stomach.  It had been three days since my talk with Jonas.  He started calling or texting me several times a day checking on me, making sure I was feeling ok.  It was sweet yet slightly annoying since I still wanted all of this to be some sort of bad dream.  However as I stood outside Carter’s house waiting on him to get to the door I knew it wasn’t.

“Amari, hey how are you?”  He asked giving me a hug.

“I’m good.  Are you busy or can we talk for a bit.” 

“No this is fine.  We haven’t talked in a while.  Would you like something to drink?”  I took a seat on the sofa as I shook my head no.

“I’m good.  So how have you been?  You are looking good.”

“Thanks.  I’ve lost about 5 pounds since I started working with Victoria.  She’s got me on a program and I’m even cooking more.”  He sounded so happy; it crushed me knowing what this talk was going to lead to.

“That’s great.  Jonas told me you were seeing a trainer.” 

“Yeah she’s great and helping me get healthier so it’s a win win.”   Pebbles came over to greet me as I sat down.  “So how are the kids?”

“Everyone is doing well.  Things are still a little shaky where Dunham is concerned but we are working it out.”  He put his arm around my shoulder pulling me a little closer to him. I placed my head on his shoulder taking solace in the comfort of my friend at least one last time.

“I know things have been a little off with us, but I’m still here if you need to talk.”  I don’t know if was the hormones or the weight of the situation but I broke down in tears.  I couldn’t help it; my life was a train wreck with one disaster after the next and no matter what I did there always seemed to be collateral damage along the way.  Like the good friend that he is, Carter sat there and held me while I cried being sweet and encouraging and everything I needed like always.

“I’m sorry Carter.  I am so very sorry.  I never meant for any of this to happen.”  I finally managed to say once I calmed down.  Carter got up to bring me a box of kleenx.

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.  I was wrong for dumping my feelings on you like I did.  I mean I was hoping…nevermind it doesn’t matter now.  I um care about you and that won’t change.”  The tears started again hearing his statement.  It would change; it would change sooner than he knew.  Unable to sit any longer allowing him to comfort me, I got up and started pacing the living room.

“Amari what’s going on?  You are very upset about something.  Just tell me so I can help you.”

“You can’t help me, not this time.  No matter what I want you to know and truly believe that your friendship has meant the world to me.  You…you’re a great guy and you will make some lucky lady very happy one day.  You deserve that, to be happy and with someone that won’t hurt you ever.”

Carter looked at me, the confusion about my rambling clearly showing on his face.

“I did something.  It wasn’t intentional but it happened all the same.  I’m sorry Carter please know that I never meant for any of this to happen.”

“Amari you aren’t making sense.  Are you in some sort of trouble, on the run from the cops?  What’s going on?”  He came over to stand in front of me looking like the sweet understanding guy he always has been since that first day I met him.  “Whatever it is, as your friend I’ll be here for you.  So just tell me please.  Seeing you this upset worries me.”

Unable to put it off any longer I took a deep breath then spoke.  “I’m pregnant.”  I heard his intake of breath, but he didn’t say anything.  “By Jonas.”  I whispered.  I looked up and I saw his heart breaking as he stood in front of me.  I waited on him to say something but he stood there with all color drained from his face. 

“Jonas as in my cousin Jonas?”  I nodded my head yes.  “So you couldn’t be with me but you could sleep with him?”  I heard the pain and anger in his voice.  “Why, why would you do that?”

“I didn’t plan on sleeping with him.  I never saw him as anything more than a friend like you.  But I wasn’t thinking clearly and there was so much going on and I’m sorry.”

“When?”

“When what?”

“When did this happen?”

“The same day you told me you loved me.”  I sighed.  “I left here went home only to learn that my teenage son was in a sexual relationship with his adult tutor and was going to be a father.  It was too much.  Aric came over, I went out and he happened to be at the bar I ended up in.”

“So your excuse for sleeping with my cousin the day I tell you I’m in love with you is you were drunk?”  In all the time I had known Carter I don’t recall him ever sounding so angry.  He was hurt the day I told him we could only be friends but even that was nothing compared to how he sounded and looked at this moment.

“I’m not making excuses Carter.  There is no excuse for what I did.  The next morning I instantly regretted the mistake I made.  You are the last person I ever wanted to hurt.”

“Would you two have told me if you hadn’t ended up pregnant?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.  I was, and am so very ashamed of what I did.”

“So you two would have continued to have your trysts behind my back and lying to me.”

“We aren’t having trysts.  It was one regrettable night Carter, that’s it.  Jonas didn’t understand why I was so freaked out by what we did until I told him.  I convinced him to not say anything.  I wanted to simply pretend it hadn’t happened.”

“Is there anyone you don’t lie to Amari?”

“What?”

“You claim to hold things back because you are trying to protect those around you but I am starting to think it’s more than that.  You didn’t want to tell Marcus about his children plus you held things back from him where that Mulo guy is concerned.  You keep things from your children, your mom.  I thought I was immune but I guess not.”  I wanted to defend myself.  Those were all different situations and couldn’t be treated the same.  I wanted to tell him that I truly thought keeping things to myself would help to spare those around me heartache and pain.  When Marcus found out about Mulo it crushed him.  When my mother learned the role my dad played in my current situation it hurt her more than she wants to say.   

Honesty is not always the best policy and as I stand hear listening to him, feeling and seeing the hurt that my honesty has caused him just proved my point more.  I wanted to defend myself but I didn’t.  He was angry and hurt over my betrayal and I would take his insults and accusations because I deserved them.

“My cousin and the woman I’m in love with, well was in love with are having a baby.  Congratulations.” 

“I’m sorry Carter I really am.  You are the last person I ever wanted to hurt and I didn’t do this on purpose.  I hope one day you can forgive me.”