Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Chapter 67-Walking on Eggshells

Those were two words I didn't expect to hear from her.  We had stopped using protection after the wedding so it made sense but I was still unprepared for that news.  The pain of knowing I would probably not be around to meet my son or daughter hit me hard.
"Do you know for sure?"  I asked turning to face her.  She nodded her head and as angry as I was at her the pain and sadness on her face still hurt me.

"When I went to see Aric he told me I was giving off more than one heartbeat."  Her voice was so weak that it fractured my already broken heart.
"So you haven't been to the doctor yet?"
"Well you should make an appointment given your history."
Marcus turned and walked out of the room.  His reaction to the news wasn't what I expected.  He wasn't excited but instead he was cold and indifferent.  I had hurt him so bad that even the news of him having another child couldn't bring him happiness.  I walked into the bathroom to wash my face.  I didn't need the boys to know I had been crying.

I ran my hand over my belly.  I was a single parent before, I could do it again.  When I walked into the kitchen Marcus was helping the boys with their homework.
"What do my guys want for dinner?"
"Spaghetti." Dax and Dunham answered in unison.
I watched Marcus interacting with the boys and my heart ached knowing this child wouldn't experience his love.  I proceeded to make dinner trying hard not to break down.
"Dinner's ready."
"Thanks mom."
 I didn't have much of an appetite so I found myself lost in thought absentmindedly pushing my food around my plate.  I replayed my conversation with Marcus over in my head.  He wouldn't look at me and I felt so disconnected as the three of them chatted about their day.
"Yeah Dax."
"Does cancer hurt?"  I quickly looked up and over at Dax.
"No buddy.  It doesn't hurt." Marcus answered with a stiff smile.

"Do we have cancer too?" Dunham piped in.  I dropped my fork and it clashed loudly against my plate.
"Why would you think you have cancer?"
 "Cuz you and mom always say we are just like you."  The innocence of his answer endearing and painful all at the same time.
Marcus looked at me and I saw that he was at a loss for words fighting to keep his emotions in check in front of them.
"Dunham, honey you and your brother are like your father in so many wonderful ways."  I took a deep breath as I tried not to let the tears fall.  "Your father is sick that's true but that doesn't mean you are.  You both are just as healthy as the day you were born."
The answer seemed to satisfy him.  The topic changed to their upcoming scout camping trip.  They were excited about sleeping in a tent and roasting marshmallows.  The rest of the evening Marcus tried his best not to be near me.  He read the boys a story and opted to sleep in the guest room.  The tension seemed to only get worse with each passing day.  Marcus couldn't stand to look at me and if the boys weren't home, he refused to be in the same room with me.  I wanted to say something, to apologize again for what I had done but I always stopped myself.

Carter was my shoulder to cry on.  His cousin Jonas had arrived and I was so grateful he had taken vacation time off.  When I could no longer stand the silent treatment I would seek refuge at Carter's house.  I felt bad imposing on his time with his family but neither of them seemed to mind.  Jonas was just as sweet and friendly as Carter and they would manage to get me to smile occasionally with their dumb jokes.  Nights were the worst as I would curl up alone in our bed.  Each night I hoped he would come and talk to me.

There were several nights I would stand outside his door, but I was afraid to go in.  The only thing more unbearable than his silence was the pain I saw in his eyes on the rare occasion he would look at me.  It had been nearly two weeks and I was at my breaking point.  I couldn't take him ignoring me any longer.  I knew he had a doctor's appointment so I was waiting for him in his car when he came out of the house.  I saw him clench his jaw the moment he saw me sitting there.
"What are you doing?" he didn't try and mask the anger in his voice.
"Going with you."  I kept my eyes looking forward while mentally trying to keep my nerves in check.
"I don't need or want you there."

"Marcus I would like to ask your doctor some questions."  I said finally turning to face him.  "Dunham brought up a good point.  I need to know if there is a chance either of them or this new baby developing what you have.  So like it or not, I'm coming."  I heard him cuss under his breath before getting into the car.  We drove in silence.  Once we arrived at the doctor's office Marcus sat with a stoic expression on his face and kept his arms crossed firmly across his chest.  I didn't really understand much of the medical talk the doctor gave.  I was focused on trying to appear strong and not break down into tears.  I did walk away with two pieces of good news.  The children were highly unlikely to develop this as it wasn't genetic, and the chemo and radiation did have a positive effect on Marcus.  Something about his blood count improving, it wasn't remission but it did imply he may have more time.  As we walked out I wanted to hold his hand or hug him but he kept his distance.  I began to slow down as I walked down the corridor.  I looked at the rooms we were passing and caught a glimpse of patients sitting in chairs hooked up to IVs.  One patient had someone sitting beside them reading and he looked so calm with his eyes closed.  I could only imagine that the person's voice soothed him somehow.  Another patient sat and seemed to be chattering with what I assumed was her mom as the mom was working on knitting.  I hadn't realized I had stopped walking until I heard Marcus call my name.  The gravity of what he went through all alone showed on my face as I turned to look at him.  He had sat there for I don't know how long getting pumped full of chemicals with no one by his side.  Still he didn't speak to me as I forced my legs to carry me out to the car.  When we arrived home I practically ran to our room and closed the door.

I curled up on the bed then started sobbing into a pillow so he wouldn't hear me.  I didn't hear the door open, but I felt the bed dip under his weight.  Marcus curled up behind me, I flipped over and buried my face into his chest.  His warm arms held me and gave me the comfort I had so desperately been seeking.  
"I wasn't alone." he whispered.  "My mom or sisters would fly out to sit with me and before you get mad believe me they gave me hell for not telling you.  I honestly didn't think they would not be able to stop themselves from stopping by to see the boys but they did.  I also had a private nurse to care for me while I recovered from the treatments."  I was angry.  He had allowed his family to be with him but not his wife.  All those increased business trips were really spent in a hospital or hotel recovering before coming back home to me and the boys.  I should have been there for him, I should have been the one by his side.  The joy I felt that he was talking to me without it sounding strained or angry over rode the anger.  Then for the first time since I told him I was pregnant, he acknowledged it by placing his hand on my stomach.

"I'll consider it."
I looked up at him not sure if I had heard him correctly.
"Marcus, you don't have to.  I was being selfish instead of respecting your wishes."
"It was hard enough knowing I wouldn't see the boys grow up, get married...but at least I got to know them a little.  The thought that I might not ever get to meet..." he trailed off as his voice cracked from the emotion that was coming over him.  He took a few steady breaths before continuing.
"I have thought about everything you did and I tried to understand your actions.  I get that you are scared Amari, hell so am I but I don't agree with how you went about things."
I didn't say anything.  I just laid there holding on to him.
"I do have to admire your determination in trying to save my life.  I have some questions so I will talk to Aric.  This isn't a definite yes, but I will consider all my options."


  1. Yes yes yes, please Marcus say yes even though it's hard!

  2. Tissues from now on! My heart broke when Dunham asked if they would get cancer too! Marcus went through all of that without letting Amari know. I'm glad that she pushed her anger aside and was happy that they were talking again.

    I have mixed feelings about him becoming a vampire. I'm glad that he would live longer, but I hate that he wouldn't love Amari anymore. I'm glad that they are reconciled to each other again!

    Sad again, but so good, Jazen!

  3. Fru--yes I'm trying to save poor Marcus. We shall see what the final decision will be.

    Daisy--I have maybe one more sad chapter so yes keep the tissues handy. He did go through it all without telling her. She is hurt and angry by that fact but will keep it to herself. She is just happy that they are speaking again.

    He would only not love Amari if Marisol got her hands on him. If he decides to turn, he will go to Aric so his memories and feeling would remain in tack.

    Thanks for reading.

  4. I'm glad they are talking again, and I really, really want him to get better, but if he decides to live forever i foresee a lot of displeasure from both Mulo and Marisol, unless she's changed her mind about the baby daddies?

    It's sad what he went through when he went for his treatment, but at least he had family members with him.

    This was a great way to end off my night.

  5. Val--Yes they are on speaking terms again. He is trying to understand her desperate actions and the knowledge of a new baby changes things for him.

    You are right about the displeasure from Mulo and Marisol. You will see how he really feels in the next chapter.

    He did have his family with him. They were there for him when he went through it the first time.

    Glad I helped give your night a great ending. :)
    Thanks for reading.

  6. Oh come on Mica! My eyes are going to red and swollen by the time this plays out completely! Either way it goes, I'm going to cry! The kids are so innocent! They'll be lost without their father.

    I'm glad he an Amari are talking again. I hope for the best! Only great stories make you emotional! Excellent update!

  7. Qui--sorry. I will try and not make you cry to many more times. The boys are pretty cute and are handling this as best they can. The lose of their dad will be hard on them. He will make is final decision next chapter.

    I couldn't let him be angry with her for long. He is understanding now that she acted out of love for him even if the way she went about it wasn't the best course of action.

    Thanks for reading.

  8. Say YES Marcus!!! The boys are so cute with their innocence but it is so sad to realize what Marcus is going through. :( I loved the last scene btw.... :)

    ~Calista Smith

  9. Oh, Jazen, really you should let him live, even if its means they can't be together for long because of the challenge. You think of some other drama. haha.
    I am glad he is reaching out to her, they need each other in these hard times.

  10. Cat--He's thinking about it. He will strongly consider changing his very way of life forever. Dax and Dunham can really tug at the heartstrings. They are such sweet boys. He went through a lot with the treatments and it was rough on him. I'm glad you liked their last scene. I wanted to end with a happier note this time.

    Dutchy--You guys are all making it very hard to kill him off. I didn't think everyone would get so attached to him. I'm sure I can come up with some other drama if he decides to take the path of the vamp.

    They do need each other now.

    Thanks for reading.

  11. ~ Sorry I'm am so sad,will be back with a proper comment later,loved it!(",)

  12. Wow...everything he went through and knowing that she wasn't there for him during it must have really hurt. I'm glad he wasn't alone during those times but she's right that would have angered me too not being allowed to be with him at his most vulnerable times.

    I'm happy they are talking again and I do hope that Amari will stop trying to force him into things he doesn't want. I like that he told her he would give it a try if only to consider all options. If at this point he still decides against it, I'll feel better knowing that he at least gave thought to it rather than turning over and letting death take him.

    That was a very, VERY sad dinner! :(

    Wow...these emotional rides are never ending Jaz. Excellent literature from an excellent author! I love it!

  13. Oh Marcus you have to at least try for your family :-( It's sad!

  14. Angie--He is going to try. He will talk to Aric and make a final decision in the next chapter.

    DJ--Amari is very hurt by the fact he didn't allow her to be with him during that time. She understands there was a lot going on, but she would have liked to know her husband felt he could count on her as much as she counts on him. She will try to force that pain and anger aside and just move forward.

    She has learned her lesson and will accept whatever decision he makes. She is comforted by the fact he will at least consider it now but even if he says no, she will stop trying to force him into it.

    Dinner was sad, but you have to love the innocence of children. Dax and Dunham are ranking up there with their big brother in my eyes right now. I love those boys. :)

    The emotional ride isn't over just yet. We still have to deal with a very angry Mulo.

    Thank you for the compliment and thank you for reading!

  15. Eeeek! always your blog has me anxious for more...I wonder what Marcus will choose...

  16. Cassie--I have the next chapter written,I just have to take pics. you won't have to wait much longer for his decision.

  17. I'm SO relieved beyond words that he'll consider it. The nature of this challenge won't allow me to hope for much though.

    1. Yep he finally stopped being so stubborn on that aspect. It's a life changing decision, but he can't not consider all his options when there are kids in the mix as well. The nature of this challenge does mean something bad might be coming. :(

      thanks for reading