Chapter 102-Regrets

I rolled out of bed dreading this day. Marcus had been coming over every day for a week, but I made sure he waited until the kids were home from school. He’d spend a few hours with them before leaving to go back to Florence. He even spent time at Dunham’s house getting to know his daughter-in-law and granddaughter. I tried to avoid being in the same room with him whenever possible. Having him in the house, seeing him almost daily was hard enough. Some days I would leave to spend the time either at CeCe’s house or at Carter’s. Today however I wouldn’t be able to avoid him. The kids knew of Florence but today they were meeting their new soon to be step-mother. They were curious about her and wanted to meet her and I couldn’t blame them, it was only natural. It was time since they could get married now without any concerns. My official divorce decree arrived in the mail yesterday. I handed Marcus his copy when he came over then left. I didn’t want to be around any one so I took Fred and Wilma on a walk to the dog park.

I headed to the bathroom so I could shower and get myself ready for the day. The triplets were already in the dining room eating breakfast with Finley. I looked at my youngest child and recalled the heartache I had when I found her crying in her room one night. She looked at Mulo as a father figure as much as the triplets had. She would never get to meet her father, the triplets had theirs back, and Mulo no longer being around all left her hurt and confused. I was angry with Mulo all over again seeing once more the effect his actions had on my family. It was hard for her not to have a father, but I reminded her how many people she had in her life that loved her. They didn’t make up for not having a dad, but she would always have someone there for her.

“Good morning kids.” I said as I walked past them towards the kitchen to fix myself a cup of coffee.

“Mornin’ mom.” They all responded.

While my coffee brewed, I did another check of the groceries to make sure I had gotten everything at the store yesterday. It was going to be a small family cookout so that the kids could welcome Florence to the family.

“Mom.”

“Yeah sweetie?” I responded turning to see Finley.

“Can I help make the cookies.”

“I can’t do them without you. They never turn out right.” I replied smiling as I pulled the eggs out of the fridge.

The triplets came in to put their dishes in the sink then left to go get dressed. Finley and I enjoyed a fun time making cookies. She was an easy going child, and it was nearly impossible to remain in a bad mood when she was around. We had just pulled out the second batch when the Edson walked in.

“Mom can I ask you a question?” He asked.

“Of course dear. You can ask me anything you know that.”

“Why’d you do it?”

I looked up at him and saw that this was going to be the talk they had been avoiding with me. I would catch bits of things as they talked to Marcus but none of them spoke to me about how they were feeling in all this. When I asked, I got the standard ‘I’m fine’ answer.

“Finley go upstairs and get dressed dear. I need to talk to your brothers and sister.”

Even though they weren’t downstairs, I knew they would be. They still communicated without the use of words, and if this talk was going to happen, it would happen with all of them.

“Aww Mom, we aren’t finished with the cookies. Why can’t I stay?”

“Because sweetie…”

Finley threw up her hand to stop me from talking. “Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I’m not old enough. I really hate that answer.” She grumbled as she sulked out of the kitchen.

“Let’s go sit shall we.” I said directing him towards the dining room. The others were entering just as I suspected they would. “So is this about Mulo?” They all nodded. “What do you want to know exactly?”

“Why not all of it.” Elton answered with a shrug.

“Because Mulo and I have a very long, complex, and somewhat ugly history. So how about I tell you the parts that pertain to you guys and the current situation. Is that ok?”

“Fine.” They grumbled in response.

Taking a deep breath I rubbed the tension in my neck. I surprised the stress of everything hadn’t pushed me back to drinking. There were times I felt myself wanting to, but I remembered how that worked out last time. I couldn’t do that to them again. I looked at their expectant faces and hoped things wouldn’t be worse after they heard what I had to say.

“I let him in your lives because I needed the help. I’ve always suspected he had something to do with your father going missing. But it wasn’t until after I asked him to come back because of the incident with Finley and finding out Marisol was influencing you, that my suspicions were confirmed. That’s why he moved out of the house and you guys were angry with me then for sending him away.” I stopped talking to look at them closely to gauge their reaction.

They sat quietly not saying anything so I took a breath then continued. “I couldn’t bear to see him every day after that, but you guys looked up to him, loved him, and you shut me out more. Our relationship has always been strained, I wish it wasn’t that way but it is. I love all of you and if being with him made you guys happy, I sucked it up and dealt with it because he gave you something I couldn’t; the feeling of acceptance you didn’t get from me. I know that doesn’t make up for the fact that I knowingly let him get close to you considering he was the reason your father wasn’t around.”

“I’m not making excuses for what I did, there’s no excuse for that. I saw him as the lesser of two evils. Believe me I thought about telling you guys about Mulo and what he'd done. Every time you guys ignored me or talked about how much you wished he was back in the house, I wanted to tell you. But honestly I thought it would drive a bigger wedge between us. Again that is not an excuse, I should have sat you down and told you. You guys had a right to know. This situation with your father was, is complicated. I’m trying to handle things the best way I can and I know I say that a lot, but it’s true. Unfortunately my best usually isn’t good enough. I truly am sorry for how my choices and actions have affected you guys.”

I waited for them to say something but they remained quiet for a while. I expected them to just get up and leave, but they sat as if they were trying to figure out how to actually respond to me.

“What happens now?” Elphie inquired finally.

“I don’t know. Whatever you guys want to happen. This has been hard on you and I’m sorry for my part in making it worse. I mean I assume you guys are enjoying your time getting to know your dad. Right?”

“Yes we are. He’s pretty cool. But why do you avoid being around him?” Elton asked. They were smart kids and I knew they had picked up on my not wanting to be around.

“I’m not avoiding him. Not really. I just don’t want to intrude on your time to get to know him.”

“Yeah sure mom, that’s what you’re doing.” Elphie retorted rolling her eyes. “We’re not blind you know. Marisol may be a terrible influence, but she was right about one thing.”

“Really? What could she possibly be right about?” I asked trying to keep the annoyance out of my tone.

“Sometimes it is ok to take what you want. Especially if you had it first.”

The doorbell rang and I heard Finley bounding down the stairs to answer. The triplets got up from the table to go greet our guests. I hid in the dining room holding my breath to listen for the voices. I was momentarily relieved to hear it was not Marcus. Kylie and Finley went running outside being chased by Fred and Wilma. The boys came in to greet me before gravitating outside. Dax started the barbeque while Dunham unlocked the pool fencing. I thought about what Elphie said. Was I giving up too easily? Marcus acted as if he only needed me to show interest, but that could just be the newness of his memories coming back. No, this way was for the best. I got closure, I could move on now knowing he was alive and happy. Happy, with someone else; my chest tightened at the thought of him with her. What the hell was I thinking about today? Knowing he was with her was one thing, having to see it was going to be a whole different beast to battle.

“Do you need help with anything?” Embry asked as she walked into the kitchen.

“No. I got an early start so most everything is finished.”

I turned to see her just standing there. I could tell she wanted to say something, but she wasn’t sure if she should. Our relationship was courteous but we would probably never be friendly. She was the only one of my children-in-law that didn’t refer to me as mom. She’d never tried to call me that and I’m not sure how I would react if she did. For the longest time she still called me Mrs. Smith. Now, if she addressed me by name, I was Amari, however she didn’t seem very comfortable calling me by my first name.

“Is there something you needed Embry?”

“No not really. I was just wondering, I mean I get I’m probably the last person you’d talk to, but how are you? I mean handling all of this with him coming back. Dunham has been telling me more about him from what he can remember and everything. And meeting him, well he seems like such a nice guy and with him going missing then coming back and everything.” I stood there feeling sort of confused as she talked.  “I’m sorry it’s none of my business and I’m rambling. I tend to do that when I’m nervous and well you still make me nervous. I’ll leave you now to finish up.”

“Embry.” I called out as she turned to exit the kitchen.

“Yes Ma’am?”

I wasn’t sure why I stopped her because she was right, having a heart to heart with her was something I would not be doing. However she did seem sincere in her concern which was strange to me, but touching as well. The doorbell rang before I could come up with something to say. I made no move to answer it knowing who would be waiting on the other side.

“I’ll answer it.” Embry said quietly picking up on my hesitation.

She left me standing there and I instantly started trying to figure out an escape route. I doubted I would be missed; after all I was just the mother. I was crazy to think I would be able to make it through this day. I didn’t move from that spot in the kitchen until after I heard Embry lead them outside. Slowly I walked over to the fridge to grab a beer. It wasn’t my first choice of drink but I needed something to help stop my shaking hands. 

As much as I wanted to avoid them all day, I knew I couldn’t. Finishing my beer, I dropped the empty bottle into the trash before filling the cooler with ice and sodas to take outside. Marcus and Florence stood talking to the triplets and the moment she saw me, she slid her arm around his waist, in a natural response he draped his arm around her shoulders. Even though it pained me to see them together, I couldn’t force myself to look away.

“Hey mom I think the burgers and hot dogs are done.” Dax called out making Marcus looked over at me for the first time.

I diverted my eyes quickly and made my way over to Dax. I went into the house to get the lettuce and tomatoes in case someone wanted it for their burgers. Taking a deep breath, I headed back outside.

I stopped when I saw Finley flying through the air. She was squealing in excitement while Kylie stood by yelling me next over and over. 

When he stopped I smiled watching her wobble from the dizziness. After Kylie had her turn Florence walked over and said something to him. He turned and smiled at her then she leaned closer and gave him a kiss. It wasn’t much, just a quick harmless kiss but it had the power to knock the air from my lungs.

“Mom are you ok?” Dax asked as he sat the food on the table.

“Yeah sweetie. Look everything is done, I don’t think you guys need me for anything so I’m going to go for a little while.”

“What do you mean go? This was your idea.”

I looked over at Marcus again and saw Kylie hanging off his arm. He had the biggest smile on his face and didn’t mind being used as a jungle gym. He missed out on doing all of that with his own kids and he had been doing a great job including Finley when he was over. Then I looked over at Florence who was having a conversation with Elton and felt out of place in my own home. I didn't expect them to hate her but I also didn't expect to see them look so comfortable around her this quickly.

“I know Dax but your father being here is different for me than it is for you kids.”

“Then why did you invite them, her here?” He asked lowering his voice.

“Because I needed to.” I replied giving him a soft pat on the back before heading into the house.

I was halfway up the stairs when I heard her call out my name. I thought about ignoring her and continuing on to gather up my purse and keys, but something in me made me curious as to what she could possibly want. She was coming out of the dining room when I stepped into the foyer.

“Do you need something Florence?” I asked as I closely examined her choice of outfit. The tight mid drift shirt, the short shorts, all very inappropriate to me considering she was here to meet her future stepchildren, but I guess this was what Marcus liked now.

“I just wanted to say thank you.”

“For?” I asked skeptically.

“For handling Marc’s choice in such an adult way.”

I closed my eyes and counted to ten as I tried to keep myself from ripping the hair from her head. She seriously came to me to gloat and thought disguising it in some half assed way would make it better.

“Florence” I said stepping closer to her. “if thinking he chose you over me helps you sleep better at night, then by all means do so. But don’t come to me with your fake sincerity thinking you have somehow won the prize. Marcus is with you because I love him enough to let him go. He didn’t choose you over me. I didn’t fight for him, but believe me when I say if I had, you would you have lost!” I stepped back taking a nice cleansing breath. “Now if you’ll excuse me I have more important things to attend to.” I turned and headed back up the stairs but I heard the door open and Marcus calling for her.