Chapter 129-Muddied Waters

I quietly watched as Marcus put on his pants, keeping his back to me. Things were at a strange place for us. That night I went to his room to shower, I was shocked when he walked in. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to. I knew exactly what his intention was the moment the door opened. I could have said no, and I probably should have but I didn’t.  The rest of the weekend was spent with him doing his best to not be alone with me. He could barely look at me, and we didn’t talk about that night. He’d had an itch that needed to be scratched and I was convenient.

When he showed up at my house a week later to drop off the quads, he didn’t leave right away. He stayed, talk to Finley until she left for her date, played with the babies and still we didn’t talk about that night. Once they were down for the night, he again didn’t say a word and again I didn’t refuse him. Afterwards he left. No kiss, no see you later, he just said he had to go and he did. From there it snowballed to random late night visits. It was always the same. We didn’t talk, it was just the act, and he always left when we were done. I was left feeling used and dirty, but each time he showed up at my backdoor I let him in.

“Why don’t you stay tonight?” I asked quietly.

Marcus picked his shirt up off the floor, putting it on after casting a quick glance over his shoulder at me. He sat and started to put his shoes on, still not giving me an answer to my question. I leaned over to pick up my discarded robe, trying hard not to let the tears fall while he was still here. When had I lost all self-respect? I’d allowed myself to become nothing more than some shameful late night booty call. The sex wasn’t the same. It was intense and demanding. I was both turned on and a little scared by his domineering ways, but at the same time it lacked the intimacy we used to have. No kissing, very little eye contact, there was no emotion behind it. At least not from him.

One of the babies started to cry.

“I’ll check on them.”

“No,” I snapped. “You were planning to leave so leave!”

He started to respond, but didn’t. This whole thing was wrong and I hated myself for giving in to him. I hated I’d let him use me in such a way as much has he apparently hated the fact that he wanted the sex.

I stopped outside the nursery door. I knew they wouldn’t know one way or another if I was upset, but I still took the moment to calm down before tending to their needs.

“Hey sweetie,” I whispered, taking Gracie from her crib. “What’s all the fuss about?”

I checked her diaper, it wasn’t that wet, but I changed her anyway. I took a seat in the glider and softly hummed to her until she drifted back off to sleep. I sat there holding her for some time taking solace in the unconditional love their innocence gave me. The back and forth was not ideal, but they still smiled when they saw me or heard my voice. They loved me despite the fact that they were shuffled around constantly.

Glancing up, I looked out the big picture window to see Marcus standing in my room watching me. He was still here. Nervous anticipation twisted in my stomach. I hated feeling like I was always in the wrong when I was around him. Putting Gracie back in her crib, I gave her a kiss before slowly heading back over to my room.

“Why are you still here?” I crossed my arms defensively. All I wanted was a hot shower and my pity party alone like always once he left.

“What are we doing Amari? Why…why do I keep coming back?”

My throat constricted. That nervousness in my stomach turned into full on despair. My hands balled into fists and I spoke slowly hoping to keep my emotions from showing.

“You’re horny and I’m…easy.” My voice cracked as I said that word. I couldn’t have this conversation with him now. I wasn’t prepared.

“Amari, I didn’t mean it like that,” he sighed.

“Really Marcus? You come to my patio door. You leave right after you’re done. The only thing that could make this whole situation even more demeaning for me would be if you left cash on the nightstand!”

Marcus took a step forward, his face creased with annoyance. “If you felt that damn bad about yourself, why in the hell would you let me in?” he challenged.

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” I yelled. “Jesus Marcus you’ve spent so much time being angry at me, hating me, that I jumped at the first chance I had for something different. You, this, for the time that we are together I can pretend. I can fool myself into thinking it’s real even when it’s not. It hurts like hell to have you barely look at me afterwards because you’re ashamed or whatever for wanting me on any level, but I take it. I am a pathetic and desperate woman clinging to whatever scraps you throw my way in hope…” I shook my head, I couldn’t go on. There was no point in making this humiliating conversation any worse. “Just go Marcus. Okay. Just go.”

Marcus stood silent with a mask of indifference on his face. I was exhausted. I was tired of fighting for everything. I’d lied to myself. I’d told myself once Marisol was out of the way life would be good. Life would be as it should be; only it wasn’t. It wasn’t anywhere close. I was throwing in the towel. When it was all said and done, she’d won. I’d made terrible decisions that affected everyone around me and those choices had left my life in ruins. Maybe Carter was right, maybe I needed to go back to therapy. Clearly I was in need of some sort of outside help if I was allowing myself to be in this situation. I’d hurt Marcus, I knew that, but I just never imagined we’d be here, that my actions would have changed him so much.

Marcus came up behind me, wrapping his arms around me. There was a time I would have relished in that action. There was a time where him holding me was all I needed to make everything seem better.

“No,” I said, pushing him away. “No. You…you don’t want me in the daylight so you can’t keep…you can’t do this. Sending mixed signals.”

Marcus stepped away. His face took on that familiar annoyed look. “So now you’re giving ultimatums?”

I shook my head. “No. I …I’m not trying to force you to do anything. I love you Marcus and I’ve hurt you. I’ve apologized, I’ve begged, I’ve regretted every action that has caused you harm. I’ve followed your lead. I’ve let you unleash your anger on me bec…because I thought I deserved it and I probably did. But…”

“But what?” His voice was tense. I knew he was going on the defensive.

It was late, I was tired and the last thing I wanted to do was get into a fight with him.

“Marcus just go.”

“No! Finish what you were going to say.”

“No? This is my house Marcus, you can’t just do what you want. I’ve asked you to leave so leave.”

He took a step closer. “No. Stop tip toeing around shit and say what’s on your mind.”

I stepped up, getting in his face. “You left me Marcus! I fucked up. I know I did and you left me for it, but then not really. You take every chance to remind me of what I’ve done wrong. You look for any and every opportunity to make me feel even more like shit than I already do. I have to be selfish at some point. I can’t keep being your doormat!”

“Isn’t this what you want in a man? One who tramples all over your feelings, makes your life hell, but can still get you all excited? It seems to work for him!”

His words were a one, two punch right to the gut. They knocked the wind out of me and left me speechless.

“I’d say you’ve been selfish plenty. That’s what’s gotten us to this point. Your selfish, self-centered, closed out way of thinking. You would do things, you would make choices that benefited you and to hell with everyone else. You have cheated on me, you have had this affair going from the very beginning,” Marcus continued, his verbal assault picking up steam as he let loose more of his repressed feelings. “You made vows to another man, to that man, at our wedding! He’s lied to you, used you, manipulated you, yet you loved him! You ran to him at every opportunity even when I was here for you! He stole time from me and my children. He took me from you! Yet you loved him! I loved you Amari! I would have moved heaven and earth for you, yet I wasn’t enough. So no, you don’t get to be selfish this time. It’s my turn!”

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks. I’d thought Marcus had gotten out all of his feelings of anger and resentment in our previous fights, but I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

“So that’s what this is? Some sort of punishment?” I looked up at him, his features were drawn; angry. “You were supposed to be better than him,” I said quietly.

“I was and look where that got me. I supported you. I tried to be understanding, gave you leeway because of the situation you were in, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”

I closed my eyes, tears continued to roll down my face. There was still anger in Marcus’ voice, but I also heard his pain. I’d hurt him, I’d belittled his position, his importance in my life. In turn, he was now hurting me, making sure I felt the pain I’d caused him. It was a destructive path that left me wondering what we were even doing anymore. Why were we hanging on when things seemed to be so damaged?

“Why do you stay?”

“What do you mean?”

“This, us, this state of indecision we seem to be stuck in. Why do you stay?”

“You know why.”

I shook my head, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “No, I don’t. I want to believe it’s because you still love me. That a part of you still wants us to work out and this is just a really, really rough patch…but…” I stopped and swallowed hard. Did I really want to say what I was thinking out loud? Was I emotionally prepared to hear his answer?

“But what?”

“But another part of me thinks you only stay, that you won’t completely end things with me because you don’t want him to have me. You don’t want Mulo to win in this…competition or whatever it is.”

Marcus didn’t say anything. I waited, anxious to hear the words he’d say next. Desperate for him to deny my claims. Time ticked on. I’d changed him, broken him in a way, turned him into the angry and callous man that I’d faced over the last few months. Marcus was the best part of me and I took him for granted. My mouth was dry, my stomach ached, still he didn’t speak. His silence, each second that passed, spoke volumes.

“You’re right,” Marcus said finally.

My world imploded. Two words, that’s all it took for the last shred of hope that I had to shatter into a thousand pieces. It couldn’t be true, Marcus couldn’t have become that unfeeling, that detached from me that the only reason he didn’t file for divorce was because he didn’t want me to be with Mulo.  I tried to speak, but no words came out. The lump in my throat prevented me from doing anything other than waiting for him to leave. I couldn’t even tell him to go as I sat, dying on the inside at his admission.

“All of this, this whole situation, being able to move on would be a hell of a lot easier if I could figure out how to not love you. I’ve tried. I am trying because I feel like a fool for loving you.”

His words sunk in. My hands shook. My heart raced as fast as a humming bird. Did I hear him right? It wasn’t to keep me from Mulo.

   

“I don’t know if it is my pride or ego…but knowing how you feel about him, knowing I have to share you, any part of you with him…it takes something away. The feeling of inadequacy, the knowledge that I can’t…” Marcus stopped, hitting his fist against the door.

  

Easing off the bench, I slowly made my way over to him. I hesitated before reaching out to touch him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and waited; waited for him to pull away and push me off, but he didn’t. My head rested against his back. What had I done to this man? How could I have wounded him so deeply? So blindly?

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

 

I’d said those two words so much that I didn’t know if they held meaning any longer. I meant them each time they were spoken, but they didn’t feel like enough. I couldn’t think of any words that would be enough, that could truly convey how remorseful I was over everything.

“Where do we go from here?” I asked.

Marcus placed his hands over mine. “I don’t know,” he replied, removing my arms from around his waist and stepping free. “It seems we’re at an impasse. I won’t share Amari.”

“But you’re not!” I cried.

“I am and we both know it.”

“I’m here Marcus. Fighting for you! Fighting for us! I want you!”

“And when he comes back?”

“What?”

“You’re here, fighting for me now, but…”

“I would still fight for you,” I pointed out.

Marcus reached out, cupping my face; his thumb slowly stroking my cheek. “I wish I could believe that. But with everything, your past actions...”

“Marcus what can I do?”

“Trust has been broken, Amari. Time. I just need time to figure out if I can do this again or not.”

***

So this is the last update of the year. I'm off to AZ to spend some time with my in-laws. Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year