Chapter 73-Baby Steps

The next few days were very strange.  Mom acted as if her world hadn’t been shattered.  Dad tried to talk to her but she refused.  He packed up and left that day saying they would straighten things out once she returned home.  I tried to talk to her about it, but she would always change the subject.  She spent her days cooking, cleaning, and spoiling her grandchildren.  As her daughter, I knew I should have pushed harder to get her to open up.  I was the one person that could understand what she was going through, but honestly I didn’t know if I could deal with it if she did.  I knew it wasn’t healthy for her to be holding it in and I feared she was going to have a melt down at any moment. 

There were times I would find her crying, but she would always say she was fine and not to worry.  Things with Dax were still strained but we were trying.  My house became a revolving door of visitors with all the kids coming and going not to mention Jonas and Carter continually stopping by to check on me.  I truly believed people kept coming to make sure I didn’t run off again.  I still had no idea where I had disappeared to for three days and anytime I tried to remember, my head would hurt.  The babies were born five weeks early. We had triplets.  Marcus would have been thrilled, he got his little girl.  We had two more boys as well.  Edson was born first,

 then came Elphie,

 and lastly was Elton.

 It was a long and painful labor.  I barely cared for the babies while I was in the hospital.  Everyone assumed it was because of the delivery, but I knew differently.  Mom stayed with me for a few weeks after they arrived for which I was grateful.  These were the first set of grandkids she got to see at birth.  If they woke up in the middle of the night she would be the one to see about their needs. 

We still never talked about Dad and I wasn’t sure how she would function after she arrived home.  She told me not to worry and everything would be fine.  I tried to get her to stay with me, we had plenty of room but she said she wasn’t a city girl.  I was thankful she stayed as long as she did because seeing and caring for the babies made me sad.  My heart still ached for Marcus and I felt myself sinking further into a depression.  I needed him, I wanted him home.  He needed to meet his children; they deserved a chance to get to know him.  After mom left the care of the babies fell a lot on to Dax and Dunham.  I hired a nanny for when they were at school because the first day I was home alone with them I felt overwhelmed and I ended up locking myself in my room and crying.  I managed to call CeCe and Trey.  They had moved into our old house and were the closest option.  They came and cared for them while I stayed in my room.   Carter suggested I go to counseling but I rejected the idea at first.  As the weeks went on, I became more and more distant from everyone.

 If I wasn’t in my room, I was in the basement painting. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his face.  It was such a happy day, and I wanted to be back there so desperately.

 He would still be here if it wasn’t for my insistence he be turned.  If I had just accepted his fate he would have been with us still.  We would have had a chance to say goodbye.

 Watching him die would have killed me, but this not knowing; the lack of an answer to knowing if he was safe or not was a million times worse than facing his death.  I did this to him; I did this to our family.

 I couldn’t look at the faces of Dax or Dunham without seeing him.  My selfishness cheated them out of time with their father.  How could I expect them to forgive me for that?

 I finished the painting and spent two days curled up under it crying or sleeping.  When I finally came out of my fog, I was upstairs in my bed with Ceula curled up beside me. I called Carter and had him set up an appointment with the therapist.  The first couple of sessions I spent either not saying a word or crying.  Arriving home after my sixth session, I found Dax and Dunham in the dining room doing homework.

 “Hey guys.  Can I talk to you for a sec?”

Both boys looked annoyed but put away their notebooks as I sat down.

“Where are your siblings?”

“Sleep.  We fed them, changed them, played with them and now they are sleeping.” Dax supplied the information.

“Thank you.”

“Is that it?” Dunham asked.  “I’m tired and really need to try and finish my math.”  Looking into their green eyes I saw their disappointment and frustration.  I was letting them down.  Dunham was even finding it hard to maintain his patience with me.

 “Not really.  I want to; no I need to apologize to you both.  Your dad being gone has been hard on me but it’s been hard on you two as well and I haven’t handled things well.”  I took a deep breath before continuing.  “I’m sorry for the stress I have put on you both.  You are teenagers and should get to act like ones, instead you have been taking care of your siblings and well me too.  I promise you both I’m trying to get better.  It won’t be perfect and I will probably still screw up, but I’m going to try.  You guys deserve it, and the triplets deserve it.  I hope in time you can forgive me.”  They sat there looking at me, trying to decide what to say.  

 “It’s sucked around here for a while now mom.  I think you have been more than a little selfish in how you have acted.  We miss him too but you seemed to have forgotten that.  It’s been like we lost both parents and the rugrats don’t even know who you.”

“Dax, I know…” he put his hand up to stop me.

“Let me finish.  I’ve acted like a jerk a time or two so I get it.  You say you’re going to try, so we’ll let you try.”

“Thank you.”

“Dunham?”

“Yeah I guess I agree with Dax, especially about him being a jerk part.”

“Whatever dude.”

 Even though I hadn’t spoken a word in therapy it was helping more than I could imagine.

“If you really want to try, you can help me with my homework.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“Trig.”

“It would really help to have your dad here.  I suck at math but he loved the stuff.  Dax can’t you help?”

“I’ve tried and I’ve learned he’s not a very good student.”

 “More like you’re a crappy teacher.”  It warmed my heart to see them joking around.  I prayed for their sakes I was able to find it within myself to be the parent they needed.

 “Ok.  Tomorrow I will contact your teacher to see if she knows of a good tutor.  For now give Carter a call.  He’s a doctor, surely he can figure out trig.”

Turns out he was on call at the hospital but Jonas came over and brought Pebbles with him.  Dunham was really struggling with his math; it took the two of them almost an hour to complete his homework.  A tutor would be first order of business tomorrow.
 “Thanks for your help Jonas.  We would still be sitting there if it were left to me.”

“Glad I could help.  I was a little rusty, since it’s been years since I even looked at a math book.”

We stood in an awkward silence for a little while.  Jonas stepped closer to me, I could tell by the look on his face he had something he needed to get off his chest. 

“Um, Amari—“

“Would you like some coffee?”  I interrupted him not wanting to hear the lecture I was sure would be coming about my appalling behavior. 

“No.  If I drink coffee this late I will be up all night and I have work in the morning.”

“Oh, ok.  Jonas, I want to thank you and Carter again.  I’m sure you two are both wishing you’d never met me at this point.”  I tried to make light of the situation but I meant what I said.

“My running away threw me into Carter’s life which has now thrown me into yours.  I bet you didn’t think you would be taking care of five kids and a whack job of a neighbor when you moved here.”  I was so tired of crying.  At some point I had to run out of tears, but I hadn’t reached that point yet as I felt them rolling down my face again.

“I’m sorry.” I muttered wiping them away.

“It’s ok.” Jonas whispered pulling me into a hug.  “You’re right this isn’t what I expected when I moved here, but it doesn’t matter.  I care about you and I’m happy to do whatever I can to make things better for you.  And I know Carter feels the same way.”

Jonas wrapped his arms tighter around me; for the briefest moment I allowed myself the comfort of him holding me and life almost felt normal again.

“I, um I should probably go.”  Jonas broke from our hug.  When I looked at him he had a peculiar look on his face.  He quickly scooped up Pebbles, gave me a peck on the cheek then left.

That night I moved the baby monitor out of their room and into mine.  Around 2 am I heard one of them cooing and making noises.  I walked into the nursery and Elphie was awake and playing quietly in her crib while her brothers slept.  The moment our eyes met my heart sank. 

 “No, no no no no” I muttered stumbling out of the room.  I sank down onto the floor hugging my knees tightly to my chest.

 There was no way, this wasn’t right.  Her eyes as soon as they were on me I flashed back to Aric as a toddler.  They were the same but they couldn’t be. 

“Please be dreaming, please be dreaming.”  I shut my eyes tight hoping to wake up from this nightmare.  I wouldn’t have cheated on Marcus.  I couldn’t have done that to him.  I know I was confused at the beginning but I promised to be faithful.  I was faithful.

“This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening…”

Elphie’s coos were turning into cries.  I didn’t want her waking up her brothers.  I took a deep breath and went back into the nursery.  She had a sweet smile on her face when she saw me.

 “Ma-Ma” She said reaching her arms out for me.  My hands were in fists my by my side.  I couldn’t hold her, I was scared to hold her. 

“Ma-Ma.” She repeated.  Her little face was now wearing a frown as if she sensed my reluctance to go near her.  I continued to stand there frozen in place.  Even when she threw her head back and started wailing I made no more to go comfort her.  Elton and Edson were awakened by the noise; I was faced with two more pairs of those same eyes.

“Mom.  What’s wrong?”  Dax came walking into the nursery rubbing his eyes.  He walked over to the crib to pick up Elphie.

“Shhh…what’s wrong Fi-Fi?”

“I…I’m sorry.  I came but…she, um”

 “She just has to get used to you mom.  That’s all.”

Dunham came in shortly after Dax, as if on auto pilot he picked up one of the boys, changed his diaper gave him a quick kiss and put him back in his crib them repeated the process with the other boy.

“I’m sorry guys.”

“It’s ok mom.  We got this.”  Dunham said while in the mist of a big yawn.  Edson and Elton both went back to sleep quickly.  Elphie had other plans as she reached out for me again.

“Ma-Ma.”

 “Guess she wants you after all Mom.” Dax said shoving her into my arms before I could protest.  She looked up at me with those eyes which sent a shiver down my spine.  How did they not see it?  Was I going crazy?  Maybe I was imagining things.  Maybe I would wake up in the morning and this would all be a bad dream.  My babies, Marcus’s babies would be normal.  They have to be Marcus’s babies because the alternative was a reality I didn’t want to face.

****A little note.  Thank you for the patience and understanding about the delay in getting this chapter out.  Things seem to be working although I am still dealing with crashes.  For game purposes I have changed worlds although for story purposes it will remain the same.  Just wanted to let you know that in case you note differences in the backgrounds and such.  Hopefully I won't have such a long break between chapters again. 

Thanks for your continued support of my stories.