I spent the
night curled up in Marcus’ office after he’d walked out. I sat in his office
feeling the same empty, all-consuming ache that I’d had when he was missing. I
sat there on the floor for hours until the sounds of life coming from above
made their way into my consciousness. I pulled myself up off the floor and
slowly made my way upstairs. I heard Finley in the kitchen along with the
cooing of one of the babies. I quickly darted upstairs to clean myself up
before she saw me. As I got to the
top of the stairs, Marcus was coming out of the nursery.
Our eyes met briefly.
I wanted to say something. Hoped maybe he’d speak, but instead there was
silence. I turned and headed into our room, closing the door quietly behind me.
Leaning against the door, I listened and waited. Waited to see if he’d come
knock even though I knew he wouldn’t. Marcus was very clear last night. It was
over with us and the sounds of his footsteps on the stairs reminded me of that.
I’d hurt him.
I’d hurt him so deeply and I had been blind to it. What happened to me? When
did I become this person? This selfish, self-absorbed bitch capable of causing
so much pain and heartache to the best man I’ve ever known? Pushing off the
door, I slowly made my way to the bathroom. My eyes were red and puffy from
spending most of the night crying. I grabbed a wash
cloth and ran it under the cold water before pressing it to my face.
These next
few weeks were going to be hard, but unavoidable. I’d tried to push him away
once, to save him from me and he’d insisted on staying. Now he was running when
I wanted to keep him and as much as it hurt, I had to let him go. That’s how I
could start to make up for the wrongs I’d done to Marcus. He wanted free of me,
so he’d get his freedom. Once I pulled myself together, I followed the sound of
voices and found everyone in the living room.
“Hey Mrs.
Smith,” Zana greeted. She and Finley were playing with two of the babies. I
glanced over at Marcus who was taking a crying Graham from the swing.
“Hey Zana, dear.
How are you today?” I asked hoping my face didn’t show how I was feeling.
Marcus looked in
my direction briefly before making some comment about Graham needing a fresh
diaper then quickly leaving the room. The dance had begun.
During the day
Marcus and I interacted only when necessary. We’d care for the babies, handled
Finley’s end of the year things and tried our best to function as a family
unit. At night we’d go our separate ways.
I hated being in
our room so I’d obsessively clean things that didn’t need cleaning or I’d sit
out by the pool. Other nights, I’d fall asleep on the couch or go for long
walks. Marcus stayed in the boys’ old room. Some nights I’d hear him working
out or doing whatever down in his office.
