Those were two words I didn't expect to hear from her. We had stopped using protection after the wedding so it made sense but I was still unprepared for that news. The pain of knowing I would probably not be around to meet my son or daughter hit me hard.
"Do you know for sure?" I asked turning to face her. She nodded her head and as angry as I was at her the pain and sadness on her face still hurt me.
"When I went to see Aric he told me I was giving off more than one heartbeat." Her voice was so weak that it fractured my already broken heart.
"So you haven't been to the doctor yet?"
"No."
"Well you should make an appointment given your history."
Marcus turned and walked out of the room. His reaction to the news wasn't what I expected. He wasn't excited but instead he was cold and indifferent. I had hurt him so bad that even the news of him having another child couldn't bring him happiness. I walked into the bathroom to wash my face. I didn't need the boys to know I had been crying.
I ran my hand over my belly. I was a single parent before, I could do it again. When I walked into the kitchen Marcus was helping the boys with their homework.
"What do my guys want for dinner?"
"Spaghetti." Dax and Dunham answered in unison.
I watched Marcus interacting with the boys and my heart ached knowing this child wouldn't experience his love. I proceeded to make dinner trying hard not to break down.
"Dinner's ready."
"Thanks mom."
I didn't have much of an appetite so I found myself lost in thought absentmindedly pushing my food around my plate. I replayed my conversation with Marcus over in my head. He wouldn't look at me and I felt so disconnected as the three of them chatted about their day.
"Daddy."
"Yeah Dax."
"Does cancer hurt?" I quickly looked up and over at Dax.
"No buddy. It doesn't hurt." Marcus answered with a stiff smile.
"Do we have cancer too?" Dunham piped in. I dropped my fork and it clashed loudly against my plate.
"Why would you think you have cancer?"
"Cuz you and mom always say we are just like you." The innocence of his answer endearing and painful all at the same time.
Marcus looked at me and I saw that he was at a loss for words fighting to keep his emotions in check in front of them.
"Dunham, honey you and your brother are like your father in so many wonderful ways." I took a deep breath as I tried not to let the tears fall. "Your father is sick that's true but that doesn't mean you are. You both are just as healthy as the day you were born."
The answer seemed to satisfy him. The topic changed to their upcoming scout camping trip. They were excited about sleeping in a tent and roasting marshmallows. The rest of the evening Marcus tried his best not to be near me. He read the boys a story and opted to sleep in the guest room. The tension seemed to only get worse with each passing day. Marcus couldn't stand to look at me and if the boys weren't home, he refused to be in the same room with me. I wanted to say something, to apologize again for what I had done but I always stopped myself.
Carter was my shoulder to cry on. His cousin Jonas had arrived and I was so grateful he had taken vacation time off. When I could no longer stand the silent treatment I would seek refuge at Carter's house. I felt bad imposing on his time with his family but neither of them seemed to mind. Jonas was just as sweet and friendly as Carter and they would manage to get me to smile occasionally with their dumb jokes. Nights were the worst as I would curl up alone in our bed. Each night I hoped he would come and talk to me.
There were several nights I would stand outside his door, but I was afraid to go in. The only thing more unbearable than his silence was the pain I saw in his eyes on the rare occasion he would look at me. It had been nearly two weeks and I was at my breaking point. I couldn't take him ignoring me any longer. I knew he had a doctor's appointment so I was waiting for him in his car when he came out of the house. I saw him clench his jaw the moment he saw me sitting there.
"What are you doing?" he didn't try and mask the anger in his voice.
"Going with you." I kept my eyes looking forward while mentally trying to keep my nerves in check.
"I don't need or want you there."
"Marcus I would like to ask your doctor some questions." I said finally turning to face him. "Dunham brought up a good point. I need to know if there is a chance either of them or this new baby developing what you have. So like it or not, I'm coming." I heard him cuss under his breath before getting into the car. We drove in silence. Once we arrived at the doctor's office Marcus sat with a stoic expression on his face and kept his arms crossed firmly across his chest. I didn't really understand much of the medical talk the doctor gave. I was focused on trying to appear strong and not break down into tears. I did walk away with two pieces of good news. The children were highly unlikely to develop this as it wasn't genetic, and the chemo and radiation did have a positive effect on Marcus. Something about his blood count improving, it wasn't remission but it did imply he may have more time. As we walked out I wanted to hold his hand or hug him but he kept his distance. I began to slow down as I walked down the corridor. I looked at the rooms we were passing and caught a glimpse of patients sitting in chairs hooked up to IVs. One patient had someone sitting beside them reading and he looked so calm with his eyes closed. I could only imagine that the person's voice soothed him somehow. Another patient sat and seemed to be chattering with what I assumed was her mom as the mom was working on knitting. I hadn't realized I had stopped walking until I heard Marcus call my name. The gravity of what he went through all alone showed on my face as I turned to look at him. He had sat there for I don't know how long getting pumped full of chemicals with no one by his side. Still he didn't speak to me as I forced my legs to carry me out to the car. When we arrived home I practically ran to our room and closed the door.
I curled up on the bed then started sobbing into a pillow so he wouldn't hear me. I didn't hear the door open, but I felt the bed dip under his weight. Marcus curled up behind me, I flipped over and buried my face into his chest. His warm arms held me and gave me the comfort I had so desperately been seeking.
"I wasn't alone." he whispered. "My mom or sisters would fly out to sit with me and before you get mad believe me they gave me hell for not telling you. I honestly didn't think they would not be able to stop themselves from stopping by to see the boys but they did. I also had a private nurse to care for me while I recovered from the treatments." I was angry. He had allowed his family to be with him but not his wife. All those increased business trips were really spent in a hospital or hotel recovering before coming back home to me and the boys. I should have been there for him, I should have been the one by his side. The joy I felt that he was talking to me without it sounding strained or angry over rode the anger. Then for the first time since I told him I was pregnant, he acknowledged it by placing his hand on my stomach.
"I'll consider it."
I looked up at him not sure if I had heard him correctly.
"Marcus, you don't have to. I was being selfish instead of respecting your wishes."
"It was hard enough knowing I wouldn't see the boys grow up, get married...but at least I got to know them a little. The thought that I might not ever get to meet..." he trailed off as his voice cracked from the emotion that was coming over him. He took a few steady breaths before continuing.
"I have thought about everything you did and I tried to understand your actions. I get that you are scared Amari, hell so am I but I don't agree with how you went about things."
I didn't say anything. I just laid there holding on to him.
"I do have to admire your determination in trying to save my life. I have some questions so I will talk to Aric. This isn't a definite yes, but I will consider all my options."
